Thankful

So, the housemate that witnessed my freak-out about the toilet told me last night that he put on gloves and pulled out the paper.  I was going to say, "It's the little things,"  but that would diminish the action.  It was a huge thing.  It wasn't his problem to deal with (nor mine, but I usually do), and he did it anyway.  In a very major way, that's hard to explain, and regardless of his reasons, because, at times I feel like I am shouldering a boulder up a really steep mountain by myself, his doing this made me feel like I wasn't alone.  And for that, I am most grateful.

Monday

Still processing.

Went to a Posie's show the other night.  They were great, mostly played from "Solid States" (a few from "Frosting on the Beater" and a few from the other albums) but then for the encore brought out original line-up from "Dear 23" era and played some of that, and then some with Dave Fox on bass.  It was the best I'd seen them in a while, the lining up of life, I suppose.  It was also super cathartic.  (And then I ruined that by reading the news.)  I probably went to almost every show they ever played in Seattle, including record stores, solo stuff, etc..., back in the 90's, early 2000's.  My favorite Seattle band, possibly my favorite band.  Sorry, I can't think straight lately.  (Anxiety, stress...)

Went to "It's Not Too Late" by Markeith Wiley at On The Boards over the weekend, where he performs as "Dushawn" Seattle's first black, late-night tv host.  A seed of this played at NWNW a couple of season's ago, and was one of my favorite performances, so I was looking forward to it.  And I liked it.  Glad I saw it.  It challenged me in ways I'm not ready to express, because I haven't wrestled with the challenges enough yet, and how I face up to them (whatever that means.)  Doing a lot of that in the past couple of weeks.  There is a lot of change.

Haven't done anything for class in the past couple of weeks, so I have to tomorrow.

Had an audition yesterday.  For some reason, I had it in my head that it was a table read (I think I saw an early call that mentioned those words, but I might be remembering that wrong.)  So, I did script work.  In the end, in was improv work on situations from the script, so, more like a call-back, and on camera.  It was good, I need to get more comfortable with that anyway.  And maybe it was slightly easier than in the past because I had done a lot of script work; thought about the characters, their arc, the obstacles, wants, beats, etc.  Also, I knew a lot of the people in the room.  The most intimidating part was that the person that the story is about was there, which on the one hand was great, because we could ask questions, and on the other, scary, because what if we are offensive in characterization?  Had a singing gig after, it went well.  I think people were actually listening.  It was in a food hall, so people don't always listen, and the sound doesn't always carry well.  During a couple of songs though, it got super quiet.

At home, someone tried to flush a bunch of dirt and shredded newspaper down the toilet.  I had ten minutes to catch a bus to get to work, and actually stood there staring it down.  Considered donning gloves and pulling out the paper, but in the end left and caught my bus.  Texted the landlord (sorta' feel like a jerk about that, but I always feel like a jerk when I assert myself.)  It seems clean now, but not sure how that happened.  That was Saturday, no one has spoken to me since then.

But who puts newspaper in the toilet?  Sigh.

Disbelief

God I'm depressed.  My head hurts and I feel like I need to vomit.  Hate won today.

The rest of us need to work to make that a temporary state.

Inner and outer weather

Another day, another inch of rain: the new normal.  A relatively free weekend (no where I have to be), and am only now getting around to reading scripts (a screenplay I'm participating in a reading for in a couple of weeks-a really good screenplay, written by a former classmate-so need to do character work on two roles, plus Chekhov, plus continuing monologue work for class/auditioning, etc.)  Found a copy of Eric Morris' "No Acting Please," and am reading through that in hopes of finding exercises to help work through my blocks, help make me more available, physically, emotionally, etc.  Also found some Uta Hagen class DVD's at Scarecrow that I rented, but have yet to watch.  And I need to work on this music-cataloguing project before tomorrow morning.  All in all, grateful for the extra hour before then.

Sloshed my way over to the Farmer's Market this morning because I thought this apothecary would be there, and I was interested in an immune tonic, but they were not, in fact, at that market.  Must've read it wrong.  Lugged about 10 lbs of heavy produce home instead: my workout for the day.  (Winter squash, apples, massive cauliflower, carrots, a quart of broth in a glass jar, etc.  Had this fantastic mashed cauliflower a few weeks back, and keep thinking about it.  Easily as good as mashed potatoes, only better, as I didn't have any bad reaction to it.  Probably takes close to a week to recover every time I eat them.)

Elsewhere, feel like I'm on the threshfold of major change, and it scares the crap out of me.  Trying not to run away from it...do the work, do the work, do the work.  There's a lot of work.

Carry on

Decided to continue on in the class, and then will have to take a break when this session is over.  I wonder how much more I would've gotten out of my previous acting classes had we ever talked about beat work?  I think it was always assumed people knew what it was from some past experience.  I did the whole sequence starting from knowing nothing, and we never covered it...still, better late, than never.  It makes a huge difference.

Continuing the work on the Chekhov scene, just for fun; my scene partner is no longer in the class, but also wants to continue to work on it.  Re-visiting "A Doll's House," and "Oleanna," and also a Christopher Durang piece for monologues.  Not sure where we are with scene work, there were only five of us last night, and we all worked monologues; I think the goal is to to have 6-8 working monologues at any given time.  Still trying to get in touch with my inner five-year old.

I want to continue working on scene work for what to do when you don't have dialogue, and let's face it, if you're a woman, in most plays, you have large chunks of time when the male characters are talking, and you get one word answers, to their monologues.

Have a goal of dedicating an hour a day toward acting, whether that be reading plays, preparing for auditions, looking for auditions, working on scenes, writing, going to class, etc..., I just need to make the commitment, there is nothing to lose.  Also need to get on the long-range goal setting with the belief that if you don't know where you want to go, you won't get there.  You will always be thrown off course by every crisis that presents itself.  That'll still happen, but if you know where you want to be, you can at least right yourself.

Stayed up late and watched "White God," a Hungarian film about a mixed-breed dog, the mistreatment it endures, and it's eventual revenge.  Very hard to watch, but forced myself to see the full two hours of it.  Wasn't sure of the genre, could be considered a horror film, the way the unwanted dogs form an intelligent army, hunting down those that had mistreated them.  Some call it an allegory (and those two things can live simultaneously.)  There is this fight within the main dog between the good it had been, and the evil it had been turned into (through abuse), and in the end, when he faces off with the girl who had loved him (and to whom he had been her only real friend), it remains unclear which side wins out.

And then because I stayed up late to watch that, and the darkness of the mornings now, I woke up at 7:23...will be glad for the clock change this weekend.