Saturday, November 30, 2013

Late, can't sleep

In a case of life imitating art again, I have a painful blister on the back of my tongue, not sure what to do about it, gargled with Co-Q10 mouthwash and am hoping for the best.  Why life imitating art?  Well, because my revenge/poisoning task for class wasn't to kill anyone, it was just to give someone mouth and facial sores to ruin a photo shoot. (I wouldn't really do it, you just have to push things out to the extreme for the tasks...makes me feel a little whiny.  It hurts.)  I told another housemate about it, he thought I seemed conflicted just in the telling of it.  I just finished reading that section in the Bill Esper book, should look at it again (about choosing a task.)  Set up a couple of chair exercises too, I want to start doing them again, and they are both with people I haven't worked much with this quarter.  I want to break through my emotional "lid" (or at least crack it) before winter quarter starts, all the work builds on the ability to react truthfully in the exercises and I don't feel I'm there yet.

I've done next to nothing the last couple of days, which is nice.  I bought coffee and vitamins today, and then half-watched the Apple Cup, did some script work, and went over to a friend's house.  I'm wide awake now because the coffee was late in the day (and my tongue hurts...Hey Universe! It was imaginary!

Here are a couple of pictures of Belltown (formatting is goofy, I'm not sure whom the artist of the painting is):
Belltown parking/L. Herlevi 2013


Artwork in Bedlam/L. Herlevi 2013

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Thanksgiving

Was feeling a little lonely, not being with family (saw family last weekend) so went to the grocery store because I wanted to be around people; it was packed.  Starbucks was open as well.  Came home and made an apple pie to share with my housemate who felt like she wanted a pie.  Got a little lazy with the top crust, a little ugly, but it tastes fine.  Think I'll make truffles and go over my script a few more times.  (That's what the ganache was for, it's not really poisoned, though in retrospect, woulda' been better if I hadn't poured off cocoa butter in my panic.  Still tastes good, just harder to work with.)  I'm going to a post-Thankgiving shin dig tomorrow night, so it's fine.  I just don't like being alone on holidays.  We used to do an "orphan" Thanksgiving at my old house, but it's been awhile.

Thankful for my family.  Thankful for how beautiful today was.  Thankful that someone will eat my cooking (that I have people to share it with.)  Thankful the store was open.  Thankful that I live in a city with the best radio station (KEXP) and a great video store.  Thankful that I got into this acting program, and with the people I'm with this year.  Thankful that the sky is clear and the stars are out.  Thankful for friends.  Thankful for my colleagues at work.  Thankful that my walk to work every day fills up my senses.  Thankful that I like to cook.  Thankful for books.  Thankful for music.  Thankful that I can sing again after how much it hurt earlier this year.  Thankful that my foot has been better.  Thankful for encouragement and inspiration.  Thankful for the things my sister has gifted me with this year.  Thankful for having the courage to scare the shit out of myself this year and push out my boundaries of what I felt was safe and comfortable.  (Thankful for the people I shared those experiences with, it meant more because they were there with me.)  Thankful that I'm laughing (a whole lot) more.  Thankful for the person who continues to push my buttons and makes me look at myself and become a better person (maybe that's all it is, but that's a gift in any life.)  Thankful that my heart is more open now than a year ago.  Thankful for being alive at this moment and place.

Happy Thanksgiving.  I hope you feel blessed in your life.
Pie/L Herlevi 2013

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Wednesday

Picked up William Esper's The Actor's Art and Craft from the library during my lunch break and started reading it.  And in spite of the struggles with Meisner training, I feel remarkably lucky and grateful that I have landed where I am now.  Someone just asked me how I ended up doing this (I had told her about the ganache yesterday, and why I had been making it) and you know, a year ago, I didn't even know this was an real option for me.  I don't remember what I wanted a year ago, my life has changed dramatically (sorry, couldn't come up with a better word) in the past eleven months.

Later, another colleague and I got into a discussion about Meisner.  She had actually studied at the same school, with the same instructor, different program.  She has a very level head on her shoulders and it was good to talk to her.

On the eve of Thanksgiving, I'm am thankful for my colleagues, they are a thoughtful (as in think about things), and compassionate bunch.  It was a colleague's last day and I'm sorry for not saying good-bye it was beyond my ability.  You always treated me as an equal and I am forever grateful.  Hopefully, we will meet again out in the world, on a more even plain.

Control

Woke up at 4 am, panicking that I had spent all of my money on clothes and couldn't pay rent; took a while to remember that the clothes buying was actually in a dream and not real.  Thinking about it now, they were like Italian clown outfits...interesting.  If I'm going to be up this early, I should start meditating again; has fallen by the wayside as of late.

I got some advice on how to drop into the situation before entering (it's been a problem.)  I'll try finding a quiet space I guess, nerves and noise have preventing me from focusing (she suggested going out on the stairwell.)  The nerves and distractions will always be there, and when I'm better at this, hopefully, I'll be able to block them out enough, but I'm not there yet.  Meditation would probably help, too (at being able to hold a focus regardless of what else is happening, before entering.)  And I think that why my set up didn't work last night was that even though the situation I created wasn't exactly true, it was too close to a memory for me.  I also realize that I didn't think out far enough what I knew for certain about my partner.  It was there, but I hadn't thought about what it meant, and I needed to; the task and the relationship with my partner/what I knew about him/our past were definitely at odds emotionally. 

And I need to figure out what this emotional lid is all about, not only am I not reacting strongly (and trusting the ability to be able to say whatever came up-and I knew absolutely there was no barrier or lack of safety with three of the partners because I'd worked with them so much; and very little in the way with the other two, mostly that I hadn't worked enough with them to read what was going on.)  But it's not even coming up into the realm of possibility to say those things, or feel them...why is there a lid on having them affect me?  I was only able to really let one of my partners affect me deeply (I couldn't stop laughing, which was a spontaneous reaction, which is what we are going for), two others had moments, and two were really hard.  And those were emotional states, not words...words just aren't coming up.  I should do more exercises just using noises, super uncomfortable place for me.  A lot of it has to do with control and a fear of what happens when all hell breaks loose (and my immediate memory is of a lot of scary shit happening-and I've had my share, instinctively, I just don't want anymore, and that's getting in the way), but creativity also happens there; and trying to control the outcome also blocks the creativity.  Again, this is the safest place I'm ever gonna have to let go of the need to control...and again, easier said then done.  A very old habit.  Nothing progresses without an element of chaos.  And fear of the shit that happened in my past is shutting me down from acting/reacting to what's really going on now.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Tuesday night

So, I did a revenge task, but I must have been too conflicted...I didn't feel bad about it...and I have no intention or desire to get back together with person (ex-boyfriend.)  Maybe the situation was too close to the truth, though I hadn't intended it to be, just pushing out the kernal of truth, though in retrospect, not far enough.  When I had thought it was about someone else, she mentioned it should destroy the chances of something they really wanted, and I thought that's what I was doing: it was something he would want.  Now my question is: How imaginary is imaginary?

My mess this morning involved a separated ganache.  I looked online and the first answer involved precise temperatures and candy thermometers, ahhh, that wasn't gonna happen.  At the very bottom was the tip "add a tablespoon of cold cream" which I did 2x, but it was helped mostly by sitting there and letting the cocoa butter solidify, then voila, it recombined.  Maybe I'll take the rest to a party, can't remember how long it's good for.

Gonna try to read the script mechanically and write it out once before falling asleep.  Very close to falling asleep.  We weren't all that physical tonight, though perhaps waking up at 4 am has something to do with it.

The nice thing about being this exhausted (mentally as well as physically and emotionally) is that a lot of the things I cared about earlier in the day no longer matter to me.  They are what they are, and I might as well see them as such and not how I want them to be.  I'm an outer planet, I receive the sun's warmth but I'm not in the inner circle.  Not sure if that's good or bad, though I imagine it would depend on who's perspective: from mine, it's probably a good thing.

Last task for quarter?

Feeling slightly frantic, even without any caffeine.  Woke up early (4:30-ish) to make something for my task, it initially went disastrously, but somehow benefitted from being ignored for a while.  Will make it work.  Not sure if I should finish the prep or just use that as part of my task.  (There's plenty to do.)  Really need to get on a normal sleep cycle; although, I prefer doing the big projects when no one else is up: I can make a huge mess and not be in anyone's way.  And I really did.

I am in a void.  Incommunicado.  Will have to come up with the answers on my own; sending messages over a cliff that never get received, or if received, they are not getting answered.  It shouldn't work this way, but will make the decisions because they have to be made.  It feeds into my desire to control the outcome...I'll wait a little longer.  I'm trying to break that and my need to take responsibility for everything.

The sun has finally burned through the thick, cold fog.  Snow in the forecast next week; all the way down to sea level.  Anything can happen between now and then, still should clean up the old hiking boots.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Monday

No visibility near my house, was glad to drop the car off and to no longer have to drive.  Was in an extraordinary good mood by the time I got to work (and also with an extraordinarily bad back ache, not affecting my mood as of yet.)

I think I've found my "tribe" again.  When I was a kid, I ran cross-country, I wasn't any good at it (I think I've mentioned this before) but I enjoyed the people: it was my tribe.  (And those people that I saw recently and didn't want to leave?  Those were the same people.)  And I think this is too.  I only hope I'm a better actress than a runner...I didn't care about running, I tried to, but it wasn't my passion.  I do care about this.  It might seem weird to just include myself, and I hadn't actually given it much thought, but my sister said something to that effect when I saw her on Saturday.  And that rings true for me.  If I'm not able to do it in the exercises yet, I feel like most of the time, when I'm doing the work, especially the chair work, I'm able to be completely myself.  I'm still an introvert and a bit of an outsider (and those go together for me-I'm not really good at the group thing), but I'm comfortable enough to be myself from the deep to the stupid and deeply flawed.  I hope we're all back in the winter.

Too much

Too little time,  Not much to say. 

I feel really tense, I can feel it in my spine.  One of the housemates is becoming more and more of a nightmare to live with.  When I walked up to the house, the air smelt heavy of gasoline and there were food scraps strewn in the yard (which will attract rats), and he rips up the messages that the landlord leaves for all the tenants...not appropriate.  Will have to ask people not to smoke in the back until the gas clears. 

We started on scenework tonight.  So we now have to make appointments with that partner as well as the one from this week's exercise.  Exercise partner and I need to come up with a relationship and I need to find the time to get the stuff for my task, and make it.  We're stretching this week's exercises over a more than two classes, so conceivably I could wait, but I can't really count on it.  I didn't have a point of view on our last moment or our relationship...that's true enough.  I am conflicted in that I feel like I'm "acting" if I bring that in, and use that to color how I react to partner.  How can I explain that better?  I feel like doing that wouldn't be responding to my partner as me (the person in the room) but rather as a character I've put "on" me.  Can we do that?  This is so confusing to me now.  But whichever, I'm feeling lost and unanchored on stage, kinda' like I did in scene study class if I didn't have a specific physical task to do.  I feel like a lump.  I think I'm making the relationship too ambiguous and that might be part of my problem.  When he kissed me, I wasn't sure how to react, because I hadn't really thought the whole thing out, so not sure if I should be bothered by it or not.  I was coming into the room to let him know that I was leaving.  I should pick his brain on how he balances everything (task, relationship, last moment.)

I guess I don't know how to carry all the imaginary circumstances and still react as "me" to whatever my partner is giving me.  Since the circumstances are "imaginary" not actual, how can that affect my reactions?  There was a transition in class, and it's blurry for me about where we are; when we do chair work, it's the two people sitting there reacting to each other, nothing else affecting that. When we do the exercises, we are more than just that...how much more?  This is where I'm stuck.  This confusion is why I'm dropping out (of the moment, not the class.)  I am reacting as me or...?  I don't even no how to ask the question, I'm not sure what it is, but I'm stuck there.

This exercise in reading the text in a monotone, without punctuation or capitalization or inflection, is exhausting.  Makes me feel like I'm going to hyperventilate.  Will have to figure out a better way of breathing for it, I feel like with every syllable I'm pushing out a lot of breath, like panting.  On the bright side, I understand it.

It's no longer Sunday.  Should return the car.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Where is our worth?

Happy.  Saw family for lunch.  Spent most of the day driving, took an alternate road home, and missed out on a traffic jam.  Beautiful sunset, if far too early (4 pm.)

I was thinking while driving, deciding to stand up for myself against the voices in my head. Yes, I'm bad with money (I give it away so easily), I am horribly disorganized, and I often drag my feet to change.  Those things are true.  But it's also true that if I love you (and oftentimes, even if I don't) I will go to the carpet for you; I look at the world; I listen, I'll listen to you, I'll hear you; I've got a big heart; I'm compassionate; I give a damn about the underdog; I'm funny; I'm interesting; I look at the big picture; I'm usually (not always, I'm human) fair; I try to see the good in other people; I'm intelligent; and I'm willing (sometimes grudgingly) to change my mind. 

I mention this because I've valued my (lack) of money over what I do offer, thinking all other qualities were inferior.  And while I hate not having money, that might always be the case, and my value as a human being who adds something to the world can't be dependant on that, or I'll never have value.  And it's cruel to judge myself and hold myself back based on only that when I wouldn't do that to someone else.  We all have worth simply by the fact that we exist.

Just a thought.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Thinking about writing

Curled up in the chairs in the common area, and in between napping, I re-read the Natalie Goldberg pages from Writing Down the Bones.  Talking about her years of journals which she allowed a friend to read.

"I've been reading your notebooks all weekend.  They are so intimate; so scared, insecure for pages, then suddenly they are not you-just raw energy and wild mind.  And now here you are - Natalie - in the flesh, just a person.  It feels so Funny."  I feel good because I don't care that she sees how I really am.  I'm glad.  I want someone to know me.  We walk through so many myths of each other and ourselves; we are so thankful when someone sees us for who we are and accepts us...We have to look at our own inertia, insecurities, self-hate, fear that, in truth, we have nothing valuable to say.  It is true that when we begin anything new, resistances fly in our face.  Now you have the opportunity to not run or be tossed away, but to look at them black and white on paper and see what their silly voices say...If you are not afraid of the voices inside you, you will not fear the critics outside you. - Artistic Stability from Writing Down the Bones, Natalie Goldberg.
It's a strange feeling to know that anybody at all reads this.  Sometimes I get self-conscious, worry about being judged, worry even more when I think about censoring myself for fear of what people might think of me...and then I write anyway, whatever happens to come out of my head and through my fingers.  Sometimes it makes me cringe, but I'll leave it up anyway.  It was truth at the moment, if nothing else.  Sometimes when you sift through all the compost (as she calls it) something unexpected emerges.  Those moments are always worth it.

Friday

Cold, waiting for the bus.  Breath rising in a slow exhale, just so I can watch it dissipate.  The sun hasn't yet risen above the horizon; moon still high in the blue sky, but on the westward decline; one chasing the other across the open expanse.  The snowy mountains glowing pink in the warm morning light.  A crow caws insistently, flying over me and northward, joining other crows.  Flocks of pigeons turn sharply in unison, flashing sun then shadows across their bodies.  Waiting.  Behind me, a birch tree, bottom in dull color, middle in monotone silhouette, the very top, where it reaches above the rooflines, glowing gold.  The crows return, in close pursuit of a hawk, a languid, half effort, more for the sport of it than an actual battle.  Then the bus arrives.

So much to do, so little time to get it done.  Concert is actually this weekend, rather than next.  Got loaned a new dress, but will have to find time to hem it.  I haven't tried it on yet, I hope it fits.  The more I think about my task for this week, the more it becomes about someone else (than who I thought it was about), slightly surprised it's got this much "juice" in it.  So much left unresolved.  Brushed over.  I'm questioning everything.  Such a long time ago...so is it love or revenge?  No neutrality there.  None at all.

I think I know what I'm doing this week, except for the second relationship and what I know about him in that circumstance.  I wonder how many times I'll change my mind?  Seems strange to have any sorta' certainty about anything.

Nothing remotely boring about life right now...still, sometimes I just want a nap.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Permission to feel big emotions

Received unexpected encouragement, reading it makes me cry...thinking about it makes me cry.

This has come up before, but I was thinking about all the censors to our emotions, how people tell you when you're sad or worse, that you are "having first-world problems" or someone has it worse than you.  Completely dismissing you, as if because you live here, you have no right to have any emotions, you must go through life as a robot.  You can't be happy or joyful, because you're "rubbing it into" someone who is not.  You can't celebrate yourself or your successes, unless you overcame some horrible situation, then we give each other permission to be happy or ecstatic.  If you cry over an injustice, you're being a victim.  If you're angry, you've gone off the deep end.  (Lucky are the people who have someone in their life who lets them feel their emotions fully.)  And so, we stop ourselves before someone else does, in fear of what someone else will say or think about us.

This morning, I was trying to find a situation that I could be ecstatic over and I kept finding myself damping it down...out of reflex.  And I'm supposed to do it here, no one's judging me for going there.  It's acceptable.  Children do it instinctively until we socialize them out of it, and then once they become adults, they spend the rest of theirs lives trying to get back in touch with it.  A lifetime of "NO's" standing in the way on one "YES!"

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Insomnia

Have given up trying to fall back asleep.  Woke up at 4 am again, partially the tea I drank last night, partially, I'm thinking too much.  My nerves get the best of me, and I can't drop into the circumstances, so again, didn't work.  She said to fantasize like a 5-year old, to ask a lot of questions.  I think I know what I want to do next, and I'm gonna spend more time journalling and thinking about the person at the center of it, make it really solid, see if that helps.  I still don't know how to drop into the circumstances, and it's one off the main reasons I chose to do this program, everyone else seems to be able to walk into the room in some sorta' emotional state, I don't know how.  I'll have to ask again, otherwise, I'm just getting left behind.  And some of the fantasy stuff just gets so absurd (which might be the point of thinking like a 5-year old) that I don't have a clue how I would pull it off, much less come up with it.

What makes some people get so under your skin while others never do?  I could go for revenge or affection (with several people, actually.)  I've got some trepidation of working with my partner as well, and that's also kept me awake.  Even though the likelihood of him physically hurting me is close to nil, I'm afraid of it anyway.  Both the relationship set-up and the added circumstance (person in the room knows, absolutely, something about the person entering) could make it really volatile.  And whether it should or not, that scares the shit out of me.  In class, it'll be okay, she'll call "no physical contact."  Emotionally, for me though, a really terrifying place to go.  Still, I can't avoid it if I want to act, it's all over the place.  Maybe it will be therapeutic.  Still, I'm afraid.  It's the chaos.

While last night's partner and I were still debriefing, everyone dove into the food I made (task was to throw a dinner party for my sister to celebrate her having her world music book published.)  Thankfully, I don't think that's what gave me food poisoning, I ate some when I got home, and I feel okay.  I'm glad it got eaten, I didn't need to eat nine eggs. (It was a take on a Spanish tortilla, bread, chocolate...I hadn't gotten to the rest of it.)  I should have thought more about our given relationship, it was too wishy-washy in my head, and it made me closed off to him during the exercise.  She later said that I shouldn't have let him in the door.  Good to know that's an option.  (Ex-lover who dumped me but wanted to still be close, last moment was that he came to my birthday party but left early to go see another woman, and now he's showing up at my door.  I hadn't wanted to break up.  And now he's in my house demanding my attention while I'm trying to get ready for a party.)  All in repetition, no "I" statements, having to put everything back on the other person.  In hindsight, "you make me want to tell you to leave," is perfectly legitimate; or if I wanted to fight to get him back, "you make me want to throw you down on the couch right now."  But what I was feeling was, "how dare you come to my house now and demand my attention after blowing me off for some other woman."  Which in the end was too ambiguous, and should have resulted in my not letting him in the house in the first place.  Have to stop being "gracious," no need for it on stage.  Doesn't serve the work.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Addendum

Groovy. I have food poisoning.

One left for the quarter after today

Got up at 5 am to make this thing for the task, as I took a nap when I got home last night and then didn't feel like doing anything else.  Took three hours from the time I started 'til I got out the door.  Again, one of those days where I need to figure out how I'm going to get to class: I'm carrying a lot.  My fantasies are too pedestrian right now, totally not big enough.  I really should do a revenge task, just can't think of anything when I try, because it's not something we are supposed to do in real life, and the censor is pretty strong on that, for me.

Both of us have had similar feedback, so it's always interesting to see how it will play out.  I don't know when he's coming to the door, and neither of us have a clue what each other's state of mind will be when I open the door, and you know, that's fun.  Will try to be totally present (which is the point and somehow also the struggle), let it go where it will.  Maybe it's okay that I'm in a "laughing" phase as opposed to an "angry" phase...it's all legitimate, if it's genuine. (Really concerned about not coming across "robotically," and I think that takes me out of the present.  I tend to get almost manic with him, so keeping my fingers crossed that it's more that way than the other.)

So, the horoscope(s) today collectively said the following things, in various places: "Trust a partner's suggestion; Make a fool of yourself if necessary; Why is more important than what; and Are you acting out of obligation, artistic expression, affection or compassion? Your results will change with your intention."  Is everybody studying Meisner now?  Totally applies, but also, good general advice for life.

Ooh, just thought of a revenge task.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Missing rehearsal

And we have a show in a couple of weeks (singing.)  Maybe I'll go over the music tonight.  Just running late coming home.  Doctor appointment, then stopped by library to see if they had the Bill Esper book there (they did not have a physical copy there, but put a hold on one), and then finished getting the stuff for my task tomorrow (which I now need to make.)

Thankful that while brushing my teeth earlier, I suddenly was able to connect in my heart with the person I'm doing my task for; thankful that whenever I shut my eyes on the bus, my mind takes off to previously unknown realms of the imagination; and thankful for the Spaniard that flirted with me over a very mundane conversation and then blew a kiss at me when he walked away saying, "Ciao!"  Another silly rom-com moment that brightened my day.

Monday morning

My head and my heart have closed up in protest: nothing going in, nor coming out.  Overwhelmed and panicked with too much information.  Trying to think about the person my task is about.  Nope.  Nada.  I can't really think about anything meaningful.  Should find something mindless to do for a while.  Really, truly, blank.  Every time I try, there's a push back from my brain.  No, no, no, no, no.

What are the conditions needed to encourage imagination?  Or is it a much needed break?  Outside, it's wet in a fully enveloping way.  Inside, the radiators are on full, and I'm feeling a little sleepy, a little dull.

At some point (Friday? Saturday?) I put frozen fish in the fridge to thaw.  For the life of me, I don't remember when, though I remember who else was in the room.  I cooked it this morning, didn't smell off.  Keeping my fingers crossed that it's still okay.  Not a good day for food poisoning.  The regulars (crows) knew I was cooking, sat on the wire and waited: I gave them the salmon skin, eventually.  They seemed pleased with that.  I like that they visit, and I like being on their good side.  I can't seem to keep my thoughts straight.  Should start keeping a better list, one I can keep track of.

Not yet discouraged, but I'm sitting here calmly, and yet, completely overwhelmed. 

The only real choice is to keep trying.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

After class

Well, fk, I know nothing.  Completely confused after all the collective feedback and explanation of details, I don't know up from down. My head has revolted by suddenly being empty.  It seems like too many details to keep straight; and I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad I have the task/activity next and not the entrance.  Geez. She said I was indicating with body language, that I was pushing, which I kinda' get, I actually physically was holding myself back from doing something and that was probably the body tension, (and I should have done it) but it's true, I was making the reaction larger than it would have been otherwise...the frustration was there, but it wasn't to the point of anger.  Sad too, we work well off of each other in chair exercises, but it rarely hits anger.  See how it goes next time, we do get a second chance, roles reversed, different relationship.

It's funny, it came up elsewhere, but I can fantasize and get myself worked up every which way until I get to class, and I got nothing.  I don't know how to change that.  I mean: sitting in public, riding a bus, at work at my desk, walking down the street...I can get all sorts of emotions going; but when it counts: nada.  How to I invite all of that creative imagination back into the space?  Just goes into hiding as soon as I walk into class. It's frustrating.  And I know I wasn't specific enough tonight, and I just couldn't get into a quiet headspace to search for it.  I'm not sure what's getting in the way.  I feel like I'm going backwards, that I'm not evolving.  I have a fear of being left behind.

It's reminding me a lot of clown class, how nothing we brought was ever good enough, it was never gonna be good enough, but you had to bring it as if it were this time (all the while knowing that it was going to be decimated.)  The difference between the two experiences being that in clown, you had to stay there in your failure and create something new out of it on the spot; and with this, we have to wait about a week to try again (as you do both roles each week.)  I'm not sure which is more stressful.  They are both pretty stressful.

And I'm feeling shallow.  Everyone else seems to be getting deep insights, and I'm just kinda' enjoying being in my body, and giving myself permission to be intimate (and by that I mean vulnerable, not sexual) with other actors in ways we rarely are (or with very few people) in real life, by letting myself go into uncomfortable or embarrassing places and having moments where I can let go of self-consciousness.  Sometimes I feel like I'm on some other planet than everyone else, but maybe my "in" is in some other type of preparation, and it's okay to just enjoy these for now.  If nothing else, they make me feel closer to whomever my partner is that week.  And that has to be good enough for now, or I'm just gonna be striving for something that isn't real, and that would defeat the point.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Friday and dark

4:35 pm.  Calm no longer.

One chestnut hangs on to it's golden leaves, all the others stand bare-branched against the darkening sky.  Winds blow loudly.

Later, did chair work then went to an improv show about a Salem witch trial.  They played it out for at least 80 minuntes, with a short intermission.  They were good.  I've never seen a long improv production, they stayed in the time period, stayed in character, in the language, and the dialogue only really broke once, toward the end (when they were all trying very hard not to laugh), but it almost seemed scripted at times (it wasn't.)

Saturday.  Went to show again.  Knew that it was at 2 pm early in the day, somehow by the time I stopped off to pick up some persimmons (our garden has a persimmon tree) and got near the theatre, I thought it started at 2:30, and so was consequently late.  Confused when I walked into the theatre and there were no people around.  Someone came to the door and said it had started but that they'd go ahead and seat me, so I ended up in the balcony, which worked out: the sightlines were better.  I missed the first 10 minutes, maybe.  She was dynamically different than on Wednesday, which is nice to see.  I saw the whole section I missed, and I'm happy for that; my favorite parts ended up being when she did the character on the phone call, and the fight in the car with her mother, both of which I had missed on Wednesday.  The shows was Bo-Nita, written by Elizabeth Heffron, directed by Paul Budraitis, and acted by Hannah Mootz. Seattle Rep, closes tomorrow.

I haven't gotten any more writing/thinking on the relationship yet.  I'd like to let him know before we meet again tomorrow.  Went and bought some of the things for my task after the show got out.  It's chilly out.  I keep being surprised by that even though we are half way through November.  It was dark walking home. Still not quite full moon, sending out bright halos through the clouds.  Evidence of it's presence.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Friday-in the calm before the storm

Literally.

What I re-read between missing busses 2 and 3 last night:
Letting ourselves be seen as weak, hurt, tearful, angry, vindictive, sweet or sentimental can make us cringe.  Even though the circumstances are imaginary, being witnessed by others in ways that are so essentially private, can make us want to hide.  This is why one of the prime characteristics of actors is courage.  If you are not willing to risk looking like a fool, you will not grow as an actor.
It takes courage to push past the areas in which we are comfortable, it takes courage to go beyond easy charm or reflexive anger; to go beyond the domesticated emotions we allow ourselves to show on a daily basis; to move past our everyday persona's. 
-From Acting Under the Circumstances-Variations on a Theme of Stanislavski by Richard Brestoff 

It helps to see it's universally recognized as a struggle, that I am not alone in hitting this wall.  And Robin called actors "Athletes of the (f'ing) heart" the other night.  Yeah, I think that's true.

My mind is otherwise occupied by 80's hair bands and watching the rain hit the leaves and knock the petals off of the flowers, and wondering where the hummingbird goes when it's not here.  And I think we should have each other's backs; we, at our most divisiveness, are more alike in our struggles for survival and happiness, than we are alike to those who use us as pawns to tear each other apart.  We need each other.  Don't let them win.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Missed rehearsal

It's all sparks and heat, though there is something to be said for calm sanity ruling the day.  Must've dreamt about hummingbirds and crows, I don't have any memory of it, but seeing both today keeps eliciting an as of yet unidentified emotional response.  Wispy things, hard to grab ahold of, these fleeting memories of dream states.  They pull my focus, over and over, as if I should know something that I don't.  The hummingbird sits on the branch, in between visiting flowers, wet, and scraggly in it's winter plumage.  It swings it's head from side to side, possibly singing, possibly just looking around.  The crow looks at me and only waddles a few feet over when I pass by: unconcerned, not in any hurry.

And I want to mention that I hit the jack-pot with the woman that cut my hair: I love this haircut!  (And I have only said that a handful of times ever.)  Wish I had saved enough to get my headshots done now. Oh, well, maybe I should take a picture of it (for bang length, facial framing.)

After work, a brief, lingering orange in the western sky before giving way to night.  An almost full moon climbs it's way toward its's zenith, the sky scrubbed clean after a day of rain.  I walk carefully over wet brick, memory of the slippery soles in my mind even though my current shoes have a decent grip to them.  After meeting with my partner, I manage to miss three busses, and consequently miss rehearsal (singing.)  For the last two, I could've run, but didn't think I would make it, still thought I'd slip and fall.  After the third, I go into a record store, I haven't been in in a while.  The vinyl selection has doubled or tripled, beginning to look like a record store from the late 80's.  And they said vinyl was dead, never coming back.

Again, this one makes me laugh.  But joy is a valid emotional state, not all emotions are tears and shouting matches.  These last three...I don't necessarily feel like I'm using the laughter to cover something up; I think I'm just laughing.  Whatever comes up for the exercise, it'll be safe to go there.  (And oddly enough, the mere thought of that makes me cry.)

Evocative

Something about the weather.  Low, loose, gray clouds, the type that sometimes move enough that you can see the blue sky underneath.  Sputtering drops of rain, warm enough.  I want to go camping.  Or travel.  Or work outside (for a while.)  And I want to be with other people doing these things.  Standing around drinking coffee, decided what to do next or waiting for the right moment to begin.  Just the weather. Evocation.

Sometimes walking past a tree, the sun warming the needles, I'm suddenly 8 years old and chasing around with all the neighborhood kids at dusk (we played "SWAT".)  Or the smell of laundry detergent and it's a gray, winter, Saturday morning and I'm 10, and my friend and I are riding her Radio Flyer wagon down the hill, steering with the handle; or I'm in my grandma's house in El Paso, and it's hot, we take the bus to the military base and eat deep-fried burritos and drink grape-flavored punch.  The back of my legs stick to the seat of the bus.

When I do guided meditations, the memories come through visual or tactile senses, but in waking life, they come through scent and weather and sound.  They catch me unaware, all of them, how do I drop in them on purpose?  Quickly, if I need to?  How do I blow those out to create an emotional response not specifically related to the actual memory?  How do you create an emotional truth not reliant on a memory?  How do you make it real enough to affect everything you do going forward?

I was wrong about the clouds.  They increased, the sky darkened, and it's a complete downpour.  It's a pleasing sound on the leaves of the camellia, but I'm glad to not be outside right now.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Wednesday night

Bought a theatre pass, and so went to a show.  Actress was fabulous; unfortunately, fell asleep again, partly is was the man-in-front-of-me's head, I was having trouble seeing around it, and I kinda' zoned out.  I might try to see it again before it closes this weekend.  I think I read that the pass lets me see the same show more than once.  Will have to verify that.  I'd like to see the middle of it.  She plays several characters and I'd heard good things about her.  Wanted to see how one pulls that off.  It's 90 minutes straight.  I'm doing chairwork with my partner over the next three days, but can probably work around it.  Actually, he and his girlfriend ended up sitting in front of me tonight, and I mentioned to them that someone else from the school was there (I don't actually know her), and when I was leaving, I realized she was sitting behind me...I wondered if she heard me talk about her?  Woulda' been a little awkward.  I think I saw most of the show, and what I saw was good.  Thankfully, more of a natural style of acting, which I hadn't seen in a while.  Seen a lot of clipped artifice lately.

I had a (strong) drink, that I can still feel, before the show (the pass had one beverage ticket included.)  (I didn't harrass anyone. I don't; I tend to get happy and flirty, but I didn't do that either.)  All I'd really eaten today was a salad and some oatmeal.  Stopped and bought a grilled cheese at Kidd Valley before I caught the bus back downtown.  They will add pickles to it without an extra charge, it's the only way I can eat them; need to break up all the dairy with something, and I needed something in my stomach.

I think I have a relationship idea.  Will just run with it, I guess.  I don't have a task yet.  I think we have four or five weeks to go.  Wonder what the scenes are?

Subdued

It's funny, I would consider myself to be relatively volatile; I'm working on that, trying to be less so, but it's interesting that I don't let it out in class.  (But then again, no one has done anything to make me react that way, either.)  I'm not volatile in regards to everything, it's pretty specific.  I could set up the scenario to hit that, but should I?  Would that be useful?  It's not something I'm proud of, so I try to keep a lid on it, but then again, since I need to access all that in class, and in acting, and the probable fact that I'm not gonna be judged on it there, whereas I am/would be in regular life, I should try to let it out if it's there.  I'm trying to find balance; sometimes it's useful.  Sometimes it burns too many bridges.  It doesn't end well, and so I'm afraid of it.  And so, I censor myself, and live a life of half-expressions, and keeping myself from fully connecting, because I'm only offering the "socially acceptable" side of myself. (All of which is genuine, if there is a lie, it's one of omission, what I'm presenting is real, if not always complete.  And mind you, that's not to everyone.  There are people who get all of it, and plenty of people that don't really need to see all of it.  But there are some I'd like to be complete with, and I need it for acting.)

All of which is why it was such a relief to admit some of that to the friend last week and have it accepted and relatable. If no one ever talks about things, if we never go beneath the surface, you can come to believe that parts of you are abhorrent, or feel that you are the only one that has ever felt that way...then somehow it comes up in conversation and you find out how common it is, only no one ever seems to mention it.  Am I the only one starving for those conversations?

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Later

Rough night, emotionally.  Task was to play drums for a funeral, which when I thought of it, I felt like it was something I wanted to do, but with the added circumstance, and who knows why else, it came across as something I "had" to do (like someone else was making assumptions about, and decisions for, me) and so didn't work.  Plus, I guess I was robotic, which my partner actually called me on...I'm being the damned dutiful daughter.  I need to figure out how to let that go; when will it ever be this safe again?  And then of course after feedback I was asking Robin about it, and then I started to cry, more admissions of things, and then I was just a wreck.  Still am a little bit.  Person B gets to decide the relationship because Person B's circumstance is directly related to Person A.  She suggested I do a revenge fantasy or let myself be a brat...just all makes me feel so out of control, like I'll go there and won't be able to get out of it.  Maybe that's just an unfounded fear.  (There was the experience of singing class last winter which still frightens me.)  Only one way to find out.  Anyway, I'm B first.  Only two more rounds and then scene work.  Don't feel ready for it.  I don't want to hold my partner back.  Feeling like a sociopath while doing the exercises (for lack of reaction on my part) is getting old. I totally react as soon as I'm off the stage, and also when I'm watching other people.  What's getting in the way?

How many more tasks?

More difficult to transport than I thought. Luckily, I had one of those large cotton sacks you get from REI when you buy a sleeping bag, and even luckier, there were two busses just ahead of us that picked up most of the students, so I was able to take up two seats.  I'll have to find some alternate way to get to class tonight, it's a long walk to the bus, and then from the bus to class.  Heavy and awkward.  I wonder if we do these all year?  There was a great scene in the documentary where an actress was working on a monologue and Meisner said a couple things to her and had her say the monologue to him, and it was completely transformed.  I need that.

Speaking of awkward, a friend randomly sent me a picture of a drummer from a band he saw and said it looked like me, initially I was thinking he was comparing me to a dude, but the drummer's a woman, I finally looked the band up.  Either way, I see the resemblance.  (Similar facial shape, hair; she looks cool.)  I'll take that as a compliment.

My fingers are uncomfortably callousing (developing callouses), I'd somehow forgotten about that.  Will need to tape them for class.  I haven't done this in 12 years, maybe.  My reasons need to be stronger, though.  Both person A and person B are supposed to have extreme circumstances; whatever you are doing has to be done, and done now.  The task needs to take up all of your concentration, energy.  (Which is why the reason for doing it needs to be compelling enough to keep you doing it while the other person is trying to get your attention.)  I can't say what (the task) is until it's over with.  She said we were too detailed with our relationship on Sunday, so it's a lot less...hope we hit the sweet spot.  Also,  how much do we "use" the relationship in the "scene?"  How does the relationship affect the things we say?  I feel like it's a fine line, that it becomes "acting" when you cross it, and I'm unsure how that works.  Some people did it on Sunday, and it wasn't singled out as something not to do, but neither were the people that didn't do it (singled out for not playing the relationship out.)  It would color the interaction...but how do you not "fake" that?  We're not quite just "us as classmates" anymore, and if you are my ex-lover who cheated on me with my sister, I might treat you differently than I would if you were my grandmother.  Should that play out now?  Worth asking. Cheers.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Monday-pondering

Sorting the music took almost two hours.  Found all my hardware for the other thing, don't know how I'm going to carry it.

If only common sense would win the day.  Just not happening.  Objectively, I know I should break free, but in reality, I just can't create the distance to detach.  It's odd.  Don't know why I can't let go. Weakening, but still there.

Life imitating art once again, and actually, a little too close for me.  The "concert" we did tonight was in hospice, it was for a woman who was dying.  She sang in the choir for a long time.  I do not know if I had met her, but I cried through half of the slower pieces (especially Finlandia, and the Finnish version of Silent Night.)  The current pastor was with us, she asked us to go in and touch her, so we all did.  We might have all been crying by that point. (This is too close to my task from last week.)  Another woman who fought in the Winter War in Finland, and whom also sang in the choir when I joined, and whom another soprano had been trying to arrange for us to sing the Finland program for, died yesterday.  We should have made the time.

It's life, of course, but these are the reasons people don't like to make these exercises about people they know.  Just hitting too close.

Peace

Veteran's Day

File under life imitating art.  One of my earlier tasks was to get my Finnish music in order for a show I was late to.  It wasn't a strong enough task, and Robin demonstrated having someone else mess it up by picking it up and dumping it all over the floor.  Guess what? I actually have a singing engagement tonight and have to now find the music in that pile.  I've got four hours to get it together.

I think I have a task now.  Just need to find a deeper meaning for having to do it.  And the hardware.

Went to a Veteran's Day Ceremony earlier.  A WWII Veteran received a Distinguised Alumni Award, one of the things mentioned was that he did bombing missions over Japan, and after the war he had the opportunity to meet some of the Kamikaze pilots, and formed relationships with them, recognizing their shared humanity with him.  I find that level of forgiveness and common ground amazing and inspiring, especially when we are bombarded with news of "take no prisoners" policy stands and the need to be right at any cost.

I pray for a world without the need for war.  But as long as there are tyrants and genocide, I am thankful for those willing to fight to reset the balance.  Thank you.

Back to zero

My thoughts have run dry, don't even know if I should do the task I had, or come up with a new one.  AAARRRGGGHHH!  My circumstance didn't really work tonight, so I'm rethinking next class.  No clue what I can do instead.  I guess I let myself be more affected tonight, but I thought my last partner and I had good chemistry as well.  We watched a DVD on Meisner early in the night, it was a relief to hear these actors that studied with him say they spent most of the time terrified.

I took a bunch on notes that I don't entirely understand now.  There's something about artistic devotion, and how that's not a comfortable path; how you have to give up things for that level, though I think for the few that go there, it's worth it.  And also the idea of living in the moment: Don't act. Don't fake.  Don't pretend.  Don't anticipate.  We also came back to the idea where Bruce Lee and the other author we read converge with Meisner telling the actors that it would take twenty years of practice to be an actor.  The naivety of beginning (where you don't think too much about it-natural talent?); the years of practice; and then the point of mastery, where it's spontaneous again, but with depth (in the Zen and the Art of Archery, the author tells the story of swordsmanship, and how the masters are those that have lost the fear of death.)  What I wrote down was, "innocence" (in the Garden of Eden); leaving the Garden and going out into the world; returning to the Garden full of experience and open eyes, by choice.  I often think of the idea of "goodness" that way.  Little kids are often considered "good", but it's good without any other knowledge.  There is another goodness that's more meaningful, and that's out of those who have experienced life, good and bad, and have the ability and knowledge to choose either one, and choose "good," even when it isn't always in their best interest.  It's deeper. I don't really think that a true sense of "good" exists until it's an active choice, and then it can become a deeper instinct.

On the mundane, finally got a haircut (been about eleven months) and broke down and went shoe shopping because there was a sale (where of course, nothing on sale fit.)  The man helping me gave me a discount, and the boots are really well made (if I'm nice to them, they will last for years) but geez! I'm wearing them with everything.  Wore them to class tonight with my clown skirt (it worked.) Everyone kept asking why I was dressed up.  No reason, I just sorta' liked it, and I was in a rut.  I needed to get out of it, at least for a night. If only it would inspire my imaginary circumstances. Nope. (Apologies for lack of coherence.)

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Dark

Heading north on the bus, the vegan pizza place is dark, I think it's odd, but maybe it's just early.  The theatre next door is dark, hmmm. Oh, well the street is dark.  Oh, the lights are out.  The power's out.  Rounding the corner, the lights are out to the west, but on the east side of the street, the apartments are lit.  Dark up the street.  I'm crossing my fingers that our power is on.  Delivery cars are circled in the parking lot and the drivers are standing outside of a dark pizza place.  Lights out east, west, and north.  We pass my street, traffic backing up, lights out in all directions.  I get off the bus five blocks further, the bus lights shine on the windows of the pub, there are people inside by the window; lights haven't been out long.

I worry about being hit by a car, I'm wearing dark clothing. I wave my arms and make it across intersections one and two.  Almost bump into two people on the sidewalk, ask them what happened. They don't know, said it's been about ten minutes. Ask if I've seen the show "Revolution" or something to that effect.  Say that it starts like this.  Make it home the long way.  Bump into my housemate, smoking on the stairs. Said he went up on the roof and watch the lights drop off.  Said he saw a flash of light to the south.  I stumble inside, and down the stairs.  Remarkable how much light comes in from the sliver of a moon reflecting off of white walls.

I drop off my stuff and leave, taking a flashlight.  Make my way through a clusterfk of traffic (it's 6 pm on a Friday night) without getting hit, make it almost ten blocks before I realize that I don't have my ticket. Turn around, go back.  Get lucky that a clump of people show up in the intersection, safety in numbers.  Go back into house, four helicopters hovering around.  Big, scary, helicopter hovering over house.  Creepy.

Back out on the street, a cop happens to get to the intersection same time as me, flashes me across.  Stop outside a bar ten blocks further, recognize a bartender, ask if she knows what happened.  Nope, can't find anything on her phone.  They noticed the creepy helicopter as well.  Someone lights a fire in their yard down the block, I can see arms waving around.  Sirens blare.  High, lonely whine of planes passing over; rotor blades of helicopter slapping at the air fill the sky.  A police car shoots up north.  We look up at the sky since there isn't any light pollution to block out the stars.  Lovely.

Ten blocks later, I notice a house with a porch light, someone says something about power back on. Low and behold, it is.  It's hit and miss, block by block.  Apparently, ours didn't come back until 8 pm.  I realize it's been a long time since I've walked this far in the dark; it's the time change.  I get to the University District and stop to buy a falafel, since I couldn't cook.  There is electricity in the air, people more talkative and energetic than usual.  I walk to the venue, go find somewhere to sit and eat my falafel.  All the sauce pools up and finally drips all over me.  I run to the compost bin and finish eating the falafel over it.  It's a really good, just messy.

When I finally clean off the sauce, and make my way to my seat, I find that someone has left me a note and chocolate.  It says, "Thank you for volunteering." or something to that effect:)  Someone mentions "crab legs" and I look up and realize that my very first theatre instructor is sitting one row up and a few seats over from me.  (He taught movement...I have no memory of what we actually did in that class, only the final projects.  He was a dancing crab in a commercial a long time ago.)

I enjoyed the show more than I expected to.  I didn't know what to expect.  Half the time, the music put me in what I can only describe as a trance, though.  I dropped into it during the songs, but was wide awake between them.  Not all of them, but almost half.  Strange. I woke up once stopping myself from throwing my hair clip.  I was half hoping my arm would be healed by the end of it. Nope:(

I went to the post-reception.  By the time I came home, everything had calmed back down.  The clouds had begun to return and the light had dulled the stars.  When I looked it up, the power had all been restored, but it seemed unclear what exactly had happened.

I never did vacuum.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Words Tolkien to Shakespeare

(Does anyone else have "One ring to rule the world..." go through their head when they see the new Google log in?  Maybe it's just me.  Happens every time.)

The sun is shining, blue skies and golden leaves; the daily soundtrack is rockin', still...I'm restless.  Now the light is fading and the thin strips of cloud, scuttle quickly southward, as if running away.  They hold the remaining daylight, and take it with them, leaving me below, with dullness and shadow.  It's even a (very full) long weekend...still, I'm restless.  I feel like I'm waiting for something to arrive, but not sure what that is.

What I'm afraid of is that I'll be seen as not putting in enough effort and be asked to drop the class at the end of the quarter.  And I want to stay.  I want to get better.  And I think I am, but...that's what stresses me out.  (That and that I'm not "perfect"...but if  I was, I wouldn't need to be here, and I'd be bored.) So, there's that.

There's a responsibility (in art) to explore the full human condition from depravity to glory, and to do it honestly. That, in itself is exciting.  It makes me want to make bolder choices, blow out the kernel of truth that must exist at the center of it all.  It's all just noisy pomp and circumstance, things made of vapor, easily brushed away without heart, without truth.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing. - Shakespeare- from the Scottish play
 
So much work yet (always, always, always) to do.
 
Hyvää viikkonloppua!
 
Off to vacuum and a Mongolian event.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Things I love

The geese honk to each other in the dark.  Then they drop from the sky, flap, still honking, and land.  The bus must've been fast, I looked up and we were crossing the bridge. I read 26 pages of a play, but don't think I fell asleep this time.

I left work early to meet friends.  I had another committment, but stayed there a little later than I had planned.  I didn't want to leave.  I got to my other thing, meeting with former classmates to keep doing work.  At 7 pm, I was talking about the Meisner class and saying that I didn't think I wanted to do anything outside of that, by 8:30, I was campaigning for submitting an application to a showcase.  Even if we don't get in, it would give us something specific to work torward, and we could split the time with monologues.  I didn't do one tonight (which was why I was reading the play on the bus, trying to find something), but realized that I wanted to, and that's a change.  It's good, I should get to the point where I want to perform for people. We did some cold readings as well; I certainly need to do that more.  Anyway, from that time I walked in until the time I left, I was completely there. Only there.  So, I'm glad I went.

While talking with one of the friends earlier, someone I spent a lot of time with when I was younger, I found out we were born in the same town (in California).  It's not super unusual, we were both born into military families, but I never knew that.  I guess I never had a reason to ask when we were kids.

There's a great sense of liberation in saying your "short comings" out loud and having the listener get them, relate.  It makes me feel less alone in the world, to tell the truth about something, and not be dismissed.

I still haven't come up with anything, though we have a relationship and circumstances surrounding that now. 

There are traces of you everywhere.

I don't feel well.  I can't be sick, we have to do chair work tomorrow.

Silly movie plot

It's the you get off the bus, I get on it at the next stop; you walk into the library on the third floor while I'm exiting on the fourth; then we're about to bump into each other on the street, but someone stops me to ask for directions and you walk around the corner.  And I'm aware of some of it, so it feels like I'm watching it happen.  How does it end?  How do I want it to end?  (Yes, Serendipity is playing through my head.)

It's stormy out.  Just had a dark(er) cloud pass over and now the wind is picking up; friend's convention is here during a stereotypical week. (More exciting than constant, oppressive grey, though.)  I haven't come up with a task (or a circumstance to go along with it) yet, though I have come up with the circumstance for when I'm the person who knocks at the door.  We don't have a relationship yet either, but I'm meeting with her today, so maybe we can start that. That's sounds odd...we're sisters, enemies, lovers, mother/daughter, ex-best friends, best friends, cousins, stepsisters, estranged friends, college roommates, etc... that's what I mean. Got less than three days, nothing like pressure, and waiting until the last minute. (I have a running list of tasks, but can't match them with a "life altering" circumstance. I always end up changing it right before, but that's okay. It's more of a matter of having everything I need to do the task, and getting it to the studio on the bus, which is harder to do on a week day, as you're lucky if you can get a seat, much less haul a bunch of stuff around.  I should start volunteering to do my tasks on Sundays when the bus is less full, and drops me off closer to the studio.)

I kinda' looked like a dude when I left the house this morning, I walked back in and put on lipstick.  I find it kinda' embarrassing still to be mistaken for a boy.  I mostly cared because I had to go to the grocery store on the way to work.  They know me there, so it wouldn't have mattered; I'm there all the time.  Ego.  The wind and the rain messed with my hair and my face and I no longer look masculine.  Ego.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Really?

Oh, God.  Our paths (don't) cross in the stupidest of ways.  It's like watching an unfulfilling rom-com.  Sometimes the non-crossing feels like fate, a very twisted fate.  Sometimes I wish I couldn't see it, but it is laughable from a distance.  It should probably stay that way.

Onto the next one

Thinking about drinking water is not the same as actually doing it and won't get rid of the headache. Dehydration headaches are nasty beasts! And my own fault, I might add, I woke up at 4 am thinking I should drink water, but didn't until after 6 when the pain got unbearable.  Just don't usually have the urge to drink water.

The cherry trees dropped most of their remaining leaves overnight leaving the Quad looking empty and somehow naked. Squirrels sit on the very tips of the nut tree branches, gorging themselves, yet keeping their bodies so still and barely bending the branches down; they must be lighter than they look. I won't try to pick one up to find out.  The horse chestnuts and pin oaks are battling it out to see how long they can hold onto their leaves.  The pin oaks will likely win, but the chestnuts put up a good show. All of it resting, waiting between active weather systems. Everything still, minus the chewing of the squirrels.

So, it worked last night, which is great, but now it has to keep happening so it's not just a fluke. I had asked how we drop into the imaginary circumstance before we start.  She said we can take as long as we needed to get there (which was good to hear, sometimes it feels like it's "go, go, go!") and she then told the class that both partners should leave the room before the exercise starts.  I was out there for a while, but couldn't drop into it, which was a shame, since I'd been getting there off and on all day.  I just started, half way through, after two extra people walked into the scene, it hit me. So it worked.  My thing was (short version) that I was trying to learn this Estonian song Tuljak to sing to an Estonian relative who was dying, whom I had just found out about. (There's a lot more to it, but that's the gist.) We switched partners again, and added a relationship element to it all.  And even though I was crying, I have to say, adding the people to the scene and having well thought out meanings to actions (both partners) does make it more fun to do the exercise.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Risk

Just worked myself up to crying by the time I got on the bus.  I hope I can feel that much when I do the exercise later.  I'm using my original circumstances, but managed to pull people I care about into the backstory.  I'm also doing a task that would normally scare the crap out of me, but it's what I came up with, so I'll do it.  It's about taking risks after all.  I don't think anyone's gonna judge me on this anyway, and other people have really started to offer themselves up in these tasks; it's such a privilege to be there.  And I appreciate that the boundaries are being pushed out, it makes it safer for all of us to take greater risks. I want to honor that spirit and make bigger choices.  I didn't do it enough at clown last night and I feel that I'm not pushing myself even to my edges (not that I haven't. I did over the summer, but I can't rest on that.) That's where growth is; it's important to go there.

I hope everyone stays for the duration of the program, if anyone were to leave at the quarter, it would be such a loss.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Committment to failure

Had clown group tonight.  Lot's of the George stuff including the "emotional" face-off (though not the "be funny") exercises. A new person found it and showed up, jumped right in (he stuck his head in the door as most of us were dropping to the floor and dying a dramatic death-and didn't walk back out).  Busses before mine were late, so mine was mostly empty.  Had to force my eyes to stay open for the last two stops, I kept waking up and being confused by the surroundings.  Really friggin' tired.

Commit to the action.  Commit to playing it out.  Commit to letting it fail grandly, if it must.  My backstory just got a lot more personal.

I look like a zombie

The circumstances are so much greater than I thought, though I probably still need to get more specific (I did some research to beef up my reason.  Wow.)

I look like a zombie today, too bad it's not still Halloween. The welts under my eyes just combine to look like dark circles, and I can't cover it up because touching them with anything burns. Still don't know what it's from. I haven't had any more coconut milk.  I need to find someone that works with food issues, this is ridiculous, I don't want to become allergic to everything.

Life seems full of little daggers; at some point you just stop feeling them.  It would be okay to be on the winning side sometimes. Is Mercury still in retrograde?  I feel like conversations are shooting past the ear and missing their target; not receiving anything close to an answer to the question I'm asking.  I haven't a clue what the responses mean.  I'm losing my mind (and screaming in frustration inside my head.)

Monday

Huge piles of leaves and branches everywhere, my memory is short, I'd forgotten about the windstorm.  (And still, there are lots of leaves left to fall.)

Still hoping to break through deeper with the Meisner work.  It will help to be a deeper kinda' artist, in all ways if I can.  We have months to go, so there's hope, I think.  My task this week isn't in relation to anyone I care deeply about, though she said that was fine as long as I make it really specific, so I'll need to research that.  I'll try to make the rest of the quarter about people in my life.  It's scary, and she acknowledged that, to imagine high stakes events about people you love, it feels like thinking that would make it happen and you would harm them in some way, although, we probably all already catastrophize (?) in our darker moments.

Still very intrigued by how much dynamics change when the partners change, and what that brings out in each person.  Still having a hard time visualizing, not sure why.  I get caught up in the action (perhaps trying to "do it right") that I rarely see beyond the obvious.  Sometimes, a fleeting glimpse.  If I'm alone, I usually can.  It's the being watched, and the expectation that I should see something, that everyone else is, and I have to in order to keep up, that freezes my mind.  It will be a huge achievement if ever I can get beyond that.

A friend I haven't seen in 25+ years is in town.  Am trying to make time in a busy week.  Trying to make time for friends and other parts of my life un-related to theatre.  It's tough. I haven't balanced it yet.  And I sometimes think I want to be in a relationship, but would that be fair?  Would I be able to give them (and the relationship) the energy they deserve?  Don't know.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Off my horse

Time to stop with all that.  Done with being a self-righteous prig for now, until something else happens. I've over explained.

Man, it's late, and the 'Hawks are losing.  (Ooh, touchdown!) Nature seems very subdued and penitent today after all the shenanigans of yesterday...with the exception of the giant, dark cloud overhead dropping down heavy, but infrequent, blobs of rain. Dreamt about Meisner last night, some exercise I wasnt' doing right because no one told me what I was supposed to be doing (it was a clown exercise, I think, where you embody various conflicting things with a varying level of energy.) And I asked Robin if my task were good enough, I think she said "yes" in the dream, but maybe not in reality:)

Uh, gotta get to the bus stop. It's after two.  I think my partner is doing the task today, but I will try to have something ready, just in case. This is so stressful...I do see the point, I'm going through a long uncreative stage...but creativity doesn't always work on cue, have to work with what you got.

I've been having an allergic reaction, to what, I don't know, since last night. My eyes are puffy with small, stinging welts around them.  I didn't eat anything unusual yesterday, nor today. Maybe I touched my eyes with pepper juice or something. Carrying Benadryl, just in case.

Cheers.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Clumsy

The library thing cleared out yesterday, so that's good. Super spacey and clumsy today. Forgot that I was drinking a mocha and put the cup in my shopping basket and then it spilled all over. The people that work at that store are super nice, and the man I told was cool about it (but then again, what are you gonna do? Accidents happen. My housemate just told me a story where he knocked down a carton of egg nog which exploded both on the floor and all over him.) He said I should go see if they'd make me another coffee, but I hadn't bought it there, so I didn't. The groceries were $50 (!), most things hovering between $1-$2 range, mostly bulk and root vegetables. It just adds up. I needed worcestershire sauce for a stew recipe, and I got cottage cheese, spelt tortillas and cut hubbard squash (that was actually by mistake, and the priciest thing, but it'll be fine.) I'm trying to cook more.

For the record, because of various posts I've written, no one that I would consider a boyfriend in my past has been physically abusive. Just for clarity. And I wasn't excusing someone else's drunkenness or lack of control (or ability to say "yes" or "no") as an excuse to abuse them in anyway saying that "they asked for it." I know way too many people that have been date-raped, or attempted, that's never okay.  I was only implying that if you act like an abusive ass when you're drunk (most people don't), you can't really blame it on the alcohol. (It reminds me of a Bill Cosby schtick about drugs/alcohol, I'd post it, but my computer is possessed. They are on youtube.)

Still can't remember what I was gonna do, so I think I'll stay home and cook. The wind has conveniently pushed all the leaves into neat piles; will make it easier to pick up.  I wanted to go to this "circus" -type performance today, that a friend is in, but it's out of my budget this week. Hopefully, they will do something again soon, my tuition is paid off for the quarter, so I will actually be able to pay to see something after next payday.

A car just crashed into our yard, but I think everyone is okay and they've called a tow truck; front of car is pretty damaged. They didn't see the red light and shot through the intersection.  Maybe everyone's a little spacey today.

More about that

The thing is, I don't actually drink much anymore, I tasted wine last night (less than an inch in the glass) because I wanted to know what I was serving, but I realized I hadn't had a drink in almost a month. If I don't tell myself that I can't, I tend not to do things (silly rebellious streak.)  But I tend to be attracted to users (more than "moderate") and have dated quite a few. I have mentioned the co-dependency thing. I have all the tendencies of someone who grew up in an alcoholic household, but I didn't. There was rarely alcohol around when I was growing up. I didn't drink until I was 21.  And while I know quite a few women who don't do drugs or drink, I meet very few men that don't (or who even use moderately-what the medical field would define as moderate.)  Maybe there's more peer pressure on men to use; when I was in college, there was definitely the pressure to use, to not be seen as a "goody-goody," to belong to the group. I know people (women) who were strong enough to resist that, I was not among them. I was through with being a "good" girl, I wanted to belong and not be mocked all the time, though I ended up being both, for different things. And admittedly, I like the feeling of a slight loss of control that alcohol gives; the slight giddiness I feel; the fact that I'm more extroverted.

I don't know if it's because I somehow have bought into the idea that they are more "interesting" or if it's because I think I deserve that or just randomly how things work out, having nothing to do with either. But now I want to treat myself with respect and I think that means treating others that way and increasing the time with the people who treat me that way. I think alcohol, in particular, removes our carefully constructed social behavior facades, and it's an interesting thing to watch what's underneath (even in myself.) Unless you're blacking out, I think there is awareness of how you behave. It's not a good excuse to blame bad behavior on the alcohol, because you knew that's how you typically act on it and still chose to use it, which would be a valid choice...just own it. I'm not trying to be judgemental, just personally kinda' over it, and all the drama.

Stormy

Or rather that would be Benedetti.  Much easier to read than previous translations of Stanislavski's work, so far.  Crap! I can't think of anything. And it's not just me, not showing up with something workable and that I'm committed to, is also not showing up for the other people in the class: I have to do something, it has to have a good reason for it.  It's that even though other people are giving me permission to get out of my box, and that is immensely helpful, I still have a hard time getting out of it. I feel creatively stuck (again.)

Gonna go for a walk. Super stormy out. The lights were flickering earlier and when I looked out the window it didn't look that windy, but when I went to the recycling bin, it was blowing pretty hard.  I need to go over to the library to clear up the fine. It doesn't open for another hour, and I'm waiting, listening to a french language cd. I don't seem to have the first one, that would be helpful, I imagine it covered pronunciation. I was trying to read finnish earlier as well, and realized I've forgotten most things. I can still pronounce it though. The finnish book has no english translations what-so-ever, so harder to remember. I'll have to find my notes.

I feel like there is something I'm supposed to do today, but I can't remember what it is. Barring figuring it out, I guess I'll rake leaves and write. I need to come up with something, and I should work on monologue stuff as well. And get out of the house a few times, I feel weird on weekends if I don't leave the house. Went to a music showcase to meet a friend after the catering gig (which was fun) last night.  It was on the way home. The music was good, but the vibe last night was somehow unsettling. I can't really put my finger on it, it's sorta the same way I feel about things that reminds me of the '70's...kinda' unpleasant overall to me. I enjoyed seeing my friend, but the rest was disturbing, a combination of everything. Need to shake it off. Ugh.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Week went by fast

Perhaps I was being harsh, but it makes me feel a bit like a pariah if someone has to be drunk or stoned to be with me or to talk to me, like that's the only way they can tolerate me, but hey, I'm what's available, so they will try.  I was seeing someone earlier this year that was always on something when we saw each other.  I liked him too, just seemed like he was never fully present with me (people do that with texting as well, not just drugs.)  Maybe face-to-face interaction is taken for granted, or it's just too immediate for people. I want you to be with me when you're with me and not keep a wall between us, if that seems demanding, so be it.  If I wanted to be alone, I wouldn't be with you. (Maybe when you've known each other for awhile that's fine, but not when you're getting to know someone.)  I'm not really ragging on him specifically, it's a pet peeve of mine.  We are becoming too disconnected and desensitized to each other's humanity, but that's another issue.

Being visited by the small, round birds. I think they are picking bugs off of the leaves.

Not ready for Sunday's class, don't have a task, and I have to work tonight, so won't get much writing in on that, maybe tomorrow.  Picked up a Jean Bendetti (on Stanislavski) book at the library last night. It's not the one I was thinking it was.  This one uses Hamlet as an example throughout, much thinner. Oh, the book I was looking for is called An Artist's Work.  (And apparently a DVD I turned in last night, didn't scan as being turned in so I'm gonna get fined for it. Yea. That branch is closed today, so can't do anything about it until tomorrow.)

On a happier note, there was a short blurb in the news where a pod of orcas escorted a ferry carrying native artifacts back home. And that's really cool.