Storm or no

Was kinda hoping for a thunder storm, but looks like that's no longer in the forecast.  Just chillier than yesterday, and lots of clouds building up.

A friend handed me an envelope with a check in it, to help me buy a phone, because I haven't had one in the past year.  (I've had other bills, and I didn't want to pay $60/month for something I hardly ever use.  My land-line was $35.)  I opened it at home, it's enough to actually buy a phone.  She had earlier told me about a low-cost option for service, but I still needed to come up with the money for a phone.  She's a generous person, but still...surprisingly, I don't know.  She's no more wealthy than I.  Remarkably humbling and remarkably touched.

Going to a forum on housing affordability later tonight.  That'll be it's own form of a storm.  Not sure what can be solved exactly...but for the first time in my life since I turned 20, I probably need a co-signer to rent.  I work full time.  I make more than minimum wage.  That's just sad.

Keep having ideas slip through my mind both for clown and for solo work, but they slip back out.  Scheduling conflicts too, there's an intensive training I want to do while I have the opportunity, but it conflicts with the show, a class, and a mandatory meeting for another show I'm applying for.  Need to find a director as well.  (I create better in an ensemble, even if it's solo work I create, so I'm trying to keep that avenue open.  I need to move to create, get out of my own head.)  And for some reason I'm in some tunnel-vision mode, even though I've done all the things I needed to get through already, it just hasn't registered that I can relax.  (Or maybe it's just the general tension floating around that has me high-strung.  Not looking forward to the housing meeting, but it's important.)

This is from last Friday, the petals were blowing around.

March 27/L Herlevi 2015

Spoke too soon on the weather.  All the lights just went off and came back with a high, tinkling click, all in succession.  Think we heard thunder.  Just in time for the evening commute.

The forum/panel was good overall, well-heeled.  The moderator, Sanjay Bhatt, handled it well, and two of the panelists,  Nela Richardson and David Rolf, brought in the issues of the disappearance of middle-income jobs, how we have now the highly-paid specialist/technical jobs, and the low-paying service jobs that serve them.  How most job growth has been in the low-wage category; how we need a more equitable distribution of services (grocery stores, stores, good schools, entertainment venues, restaurants, etc) and mixed housing throughout all neighborhoods; how those minimum wage increases pour money back into the local economy, if still never allowing the earner to own a home, perhaps they can afford their own apartment, have a little bit of dignity.

There was a lot of talk about building housing for earners in the $40-60,000 range (middle-class), but nothing for those who make above poverty, but less than $40,000, people who are paying more than 40% of income for rent. (Some people are at 70%.)  Housing was replaced in Holly Park, and now Yesler Terrace (formerly serving low-income tenants), to provide housing for people in the $40-$60,000 range...where do the lower income people go?  That's still not being answered, and that's where  many of your service economy workers find themselves.  Who does the service work when those who did it can no longer afford to live here?

Friday

It is so difficult to change habits.  There must be a strong enough trigger to cause the change.  Back to mindlessly drinking coffee...and I don't even like the taste that much.  It feels special or something.  I have changed other habits, foods I no longer eat (just not the ones I'm currently trying to test, I don't eat potatoes or orange juice, the latter makes me ill to even think about, so that's helpful.  And I've had to give up things like falafel in most places because it's fried in the same oil as potatoes.)  It was easier when I was younger, and I'm not sure why that is.  I feel for anyone trying to stick to a diet or break an addiction.  I came across an article recently that discussed using community, connection to help break addiction.  Felt helpful and promising.  At any rate, I have more immediate issues to deal with, and maybe in the process, things will improve.  There's probably an interrelationship between them all. (And I might have gotten overzealous with the supplements.)

Someone asked about what to do in the face of mindless suffering (yesterday was a bad news day), and I was thinking of something else someone had posted about appreciating people in your life today not because they might be gone tomorrow, but because they are here today, or something to that effect.  Practice more patience?  Be kinder?  Love more?  Listen?  Just a thought.  (We'd probably all appreciate being on the receiving end, no?)

Pictures of yesterday.  The rabbit is cute, but should have been taken to a shelter rather than released into the park.  One, it's cruel and irresponsible, and two, the city just spent a lot of money humanely removing the rabbits from the park (they are feral, and they were causing a lot of damage from burrowing...including under the highway.)  Beef of the day, especially since it's almost Easter.  I think the rabbit was recently released, pretty healthy looking and tame.  It deserves better than to be left to fend for itself against traffic, dogs, and birds of prey.  I hope someone catches it and keeps it.  It's adorable.

Released pet, March 26/L Herlevi 2015

Working, March 26/L Herlevi 2015

Light on Red-flowering Currant, March 26/2015

Validation is nice

A friend was telling me she (and another mutual friend) were at the Sibelius concert.  She said we sounded good (both with the symphony and out in the lobby.)  Nice validation, you don't always get feedback, I do a lot of choral singing, I don't do it for the validation, but you know...it's nice to get it anyway.  (Also, most of the time, you haven't a clue what you sound like as a whole; in most rooms, you can't hear it.  When we sang in the lobby, I ended up way out on the end, and couldn't really hear any of the other parts.  I always enjoy when we move around in rehearsal either changing places, or once one of the directors had as all walk around the room and sing, both practices enabling the ability to hear the mix of all the voices.)  And sometimes this singing-creation-writing-performance-art thing, feels like existing in a vacuum; it's not just ego, we all need feedback and encouragement now and again.  I need it.

Went to this playwright group's reading of new short works (excerpts) last night.  All took place in a movie theatre.  Good writing, good acting.  (My favorite was the first one, where two people meet in a movie theatre because the man tells the woman that she is wearing his ex-friend's dress.  By the end you don't know if this is really the first time they are meeting, or if they are starting their relationship over.  That was a nice twist.  I think that was by Stephanie Timm.  The two other writers that presented work were Frank Basloe and Emily Conbere, I enjoyed all of it.)  It was closer to an actual performance than a staged reading; the actors sat in the theatre seats (rather than behind a stand), and though they were holding scripts, they interacted with one another, and looked up most of the time. (Not always the case.)  Took forever to get home.  Traffic had been backed up all afternoon, and the buses were still off schedule.  The bus I ended up eventually catching was 25 minutes late, but that worked for me (I thought it was early.)  Traffic was bad this morning as well.  Took 40 minutes to get to work. (Usually, it's about 15.)  Traffic wasn't moving much, and then there was an unannounced reroute.  Apparently, a road is closed.

Have a wicked headache, seems to be going around today.

More water pictures...still attracted to reflections.  Oh, and a duck.

Tree, March 25/L Herlevi 2015

Sky, March 25/L Herlevi 2015

Proud, March 25/L Herlevi 2015

More Clouds, March 25/L Herlevi 2015

Weather

A few shots from late afternoon, yesterday.  Insomnia.  I should just get up and write, it's almost 5 am.

Untitled, March 23/L Herlevi 2015

Corner of Light, March 23/L Herlevi 2015

Tree Angel, March 23/L Herlevi 2015

Untitled, March 23/L Herlevi 2015

Sunday

Checking Out the Scene, March 22/L Herlevi 2015

Just got home from one of the Ambassador Project shows at On the Boards, James Holt's Prelude and Untitled.  http://www.ontheboards.org/special-events/otb-ambassador-event-prelude-and-untitled The first was about a half-hour long wash of dissonant sound, produced by around 30 musicians.  I believe they met for the first time shortly before the performance.  There was no musical score (for the performers), instead, they all wore some form of headphones and each received their notes via their smart phone.  The musicians were spread throughout the lobby, the audience was encouraged to move around the space while the music played, most people did.

It reminded me of the sound of an orchestra tuning before a performance, in a good way (with a changing chord running through it.)  Got lost in it.  This would be a good soundtrack for either meditation, or writing, for me.  I found myself on the floor, almost under the piano, by the end of the first piece, and that felt like that perfect spot to listen to the second one (I ended up in the middle of the sound), piano, pizzicato strings, and percussive instruments.  A fantastic way to spend an hour on a Sunday.  Loved, loved, loved, loved, loved it.

Beautiful Toilet, March 22/L Herlevi 2015

Earlier in the afternoon, I went to a benefit performance of Leonard Bernstein's Mass.  I enjoyed it, though I wanted the choirs to be a little louder, they got lost under the sound of the orchestra and in the shape of the room.  I've never heard it live before.  (Photo is because when I asked if there was a bathroom, this one was pointed out to me with the added comment that it was "beautiful."  It is quite lovely.)

Be Here Now, March 22/L Herlevi 2015

Last night I went to this shorts program at Theatre off Jackson that was part of a solo festival.  They were quite good, as well.  Creative, interesting, physically, well done.  The last piece was a staged reading, and while the writing was good, and interesting, and the performer was good, I found myself wishing it were as performance ready as the others.  I'm all for staged readings, but was left wondering if there were not other short solo pieces that could have been performed in it's place.  C'est la vie.

At any rate, I found myself inspired to write, but also tired.  Had an idea as I got on the bus and thought I could wait to write it down until I got home:  Nope!  I've been so exhausted, that by the time the bus had gone a few blocks, I could no longer remember.  Still can't remember.

I'm trying to come up with another solo/duet piece (two-person?), plus something for the next clown showcase, which we need to both book and create 45 minutes of material for.  It will probably be in June, but that's still pretty soon.

I should sleep.

One

Batteries died yesterday, but still, this is the only picture from yesterday or today that excites me much.  The light and the camera weren't getting along, not sure why.  (And don't need any dental work after all, which is good; he just told me to stop grinding my teeth before I get a fracture.)  Looked up housing options, and there's really not much better than what I've got, so I'll probably stay one more year, after that, I don't know.  Different city?  Don't know.  Feeling somewhat disillusioned, it was a day of extremes (maybe it's the eve-of-the-full-moon-equinox-eclipse...or something.)

Here's the shot I like best of the bunch.  From today.

March 19/L Herlevi 2015

Wide awake during the eclipse, tried to stream it online, but didn't feel like joining the site with this computer. 

So, so awake.

No trees (here) today

In general, I'm solidly in the camp that says that you should not use your performance/acting as a form of catharsis.  And the thing I wrote about happened six years ago, sure there was a little rawness, but not in a bad way, I didn't think.  The piece kinda' wrote itself.  That said, I've been spending a lot of time (confronting would be too strong of a term) contemplating the dynamic of tyrants in my head, from wherever they have come from, and how I wasted so much of my time trying to be good enough to gain their approval, or at least avoid their wrath (which will never happen, it's an impossible task, especially since they became so embedded in my thoughts that they don't belong to anyone in particular anymore.)  And the thing is, even if it was never directed at me (with some of the sources of the voices, it was) I never fully trusted, I always thought there could be a sudden turning on me (hence, the cowering dog analogy).  And the wariness always seems to be present, even when there is no reason for it, i.e., whomever I'm around doesn't have that tendency.  Most people in my life do not have that tendency, and yet I am still drawn to those that do, as if, if I can find that magic key, everything will fall into place.  Chasing unicorns.  It won't.  (There have been both good and bad landlords, teachers, bosses, critiques, friends, etc.)  And one of the reasons it surprised me, was that I have confronted several of the sources in real life, I'd thought that was enough.  It gave me a backbone, but it didn't neutralize what was already there.

At any rate, since I wrote it, I've been finding a lot of information on dealing with it.  Even when it's been buried, it's no way to live.  I'm ready for the dynamic to change.

It was raining when I went to look at the trees.  Earlier, I had gone for a walk to see what the birds were up to.  There weren't very many (mostly N. Shovelers), but I did see one of those white-bellied swallows (or maybe it's a swift?) Might be a migratory bird.  Mostly, I took pictures of the asphalt.

Asphalt, March 17/L Herlevi 2015

Asphalt with spot, March 17/L Herlevi 2015

I have a dentist appointment in the morning.  I think I might have a chipped tooth or a cavity.  Ugh.  It will feel better if I stop avoiding it.

Late

Around three inches of rain over the weekend, depending on where you were.  Spent Sunday evening attempting to get places, missing buses, getting soaked, glad to finally be able to get home again, and dry.  It's raining again, now.  I fell asleep when I got home and am now wide awake.  The geese were calling out to each other a little while ago, but have quieted down.  Traffic and rain.  (Or my brain wanted to hear it, perhaps.  The ground mostly dry in the morning.  And I missed the Northern Lights again.)

Here are some pictures from earlier today.

Trees, March 16/L Herlevi 2015

Bicycle, March 16/L Herlevi 2015

Two Trees, March 16/L Herlevi 2015

Branches, March 16/L Herlevi 2015

Singing

Too dark to go for a walk.  So, I'm sitting here listening to traffic, rain, and sometimes, bird song.

Sang Finlandia with the Seattle Symphony at Benaroya Hall last night.  That was a kick.  Sound gets lost in the space and so you end up singing a lot louder than normal, throat a little raspy after, still, a cool experience to have the opportunity.  We sang ten songs in the lobby post-concert, not sure how it went, someone said it sounded good when you could hear it (there was a lot of ambient sound from people talking and leaving the venue.)  We're singing at another event later today, but only four songs, I think.  It's funny, I got really shaky in the lobby, not sure why that made me more nervous than anything else I've done lately (the solo show, and singing in front of that audience; or even standing up in the audience and singing in Benaroya.)

We're supposed to have a work party for the garden this morning, but it's rained half-an-inch over night, so I wonder if it will be cancelled?  Might be too muddy to put in borders.

A couple more photos, both from March 13.

Cherry Blossom, March 13/L Herlevi 2015

Glorious, March 13/L Herlevi 2015

Tired

Exhausted.  Closing in on the end of a stretch of over-scheduled days (singing tonight and tomorrow night for Sibelius-related events.)  Fortuitously came across a book on Russian culture during the 20th century, discussing the intersection of politics and art.  My new bus read, along with a volume of short plays by Chekhov.

Walked half-way to Ballard after work yesterday.  Was going to a show at 7:30 and had the time.  Sunny afternoon, walk might have added to tiredness.  Writing sometimes feels like it takes more energy than I have to give it.  Pictures are from yesterday.

Patch of light, March 12/L Herlevi 2015

New Grass, March 12/L Herlevi 2015

Bridge, March 12/L Herlevi 2015

Almost equal weight, March 12/L Herlevi 2015

Wednesday (still not Friday)

The robin started late today, almost 7 am.  Must be the rain.  Last night, a wind kicked up.  I walked down the street, the air raining petals down like snow flakes.

This is yesterday.

It was sunny, March 10/L Herlevi 2015

Photos

These are some pictures from today.  First is the sun rising through the fog in the morning.  The remainder are the result of my decision to think in b/w.  When I shot film in the past it was almost exclusively b/w, and I regularly switched my thinking between color and b/w.  I'd view the world differently, depending on what film was in my camera, but the automatic switching to see between the two started to drive me nuts.  I stopped years ago, but decided this morning to see what I would shoot if I were shooting b/w and if I would choose my subjects accordingly.  (These are digital, not film, but I almost never shoot this camera in b/w.)  These were all mid-day, very contrasty, hard shadows.

Sun rising, March 9/L Herlevi 2015

Trees, March 9/L Herlevi 2015

Shadows, March 9/L Herlevi 2015

Blooming, March 9/L Herlevi 2015

Solo Performance over

I hope to have the opportunity to perform this piece again, I might change a few things.  Still, what a lovely, creative, and courageous group of people to work with.  How lucky am I?

Day 17

I find I am lacking space.  Space for new breath, or breath at all.  Over scheduled.  Partially, it's that I'm pushing for things to change, and saying "yes" to any opportunity that might afford that.  Grabbing at the air to push forward, and maybe I should stop pushing.  The job tonight, I scheduled weeks ago, not knowing what else would fill in the rest of my days.  It's not hard, I'm just tired, and feeling like I'm isolating myself a little.  Haven't found the right amount of tension.

The solo show is tomorrow.  And it will be what it will be.  I have to work at the garden in the morning, and might do an audition, but not sure...I want to be ready.  I'm not nervous yet.  I'm sure it will hit when he gives me the signal to go on.  And sing.

It's interesting.  I've mentioned before that I was surprised this is what I wrote.  I also have been surprised by how raw this still is for me.  Catalyst was six years ago.  I had thought it was about something else (trust, maybe?), and in writing this, and making it physical, I found a different meaning.  Now it also has to do with identity and all the competing outside voices telling us who we are supposed to be (or need to be), and how we find ourselves in spite of that.  What do we listen to?  How do we trust that?  How do we drown out the voices that want to control us and keep us in our place to make their own worlds more predictable?  Someone commented that it was finding a new god:  it's the difference between fear/vengeance/compliance vs. love/acceptance as you are:  You/I don't have to be perfect first.

It's been eye-opening and cathartic.  How deep and hidden beliefs lie (things we were told that sunk in like a knife through butter lodged in without our permission), how we can automatically operate on things we didn't realize were still around and buried, like some poison leaching out and affecting everything we do or choose.  Once you know it's there, find it's source, how long does it take to change?  Or do we forget about it and rebury it in neglect?

If I write another, I'll try to write it with humor.  It can be done.

Day 15

Someone told me the time of my piece was confusing; might require a bit of a rewrite to fix, not sure if I will for this show or no, because I'm not sure how to fix it and keep the general rhythm (plus, it's memorized this way.)  The story starts 10 days in, then goes back to explain how I got there, and then moves forward 40 days.

Pictures from wandering the last few days.

Frost makes the petals fall, March 4/L Herlevi 2015

March 3/ L Herlevi 2015

Stuck in traffic, March 4/L Herlevi 2015

Shadows of trees, March 4/L Herlevi 2015

Trees, March 4/L Herlevi 2015

It is still winter, March 4/L Herlevi 2015

Day 13

Back on the wagon, more or less (drank coffee this morning.)  Definitely feel worse for having binged (wheat, sugar, dairy) all weekend.  Funny how I hadn't noticed how much better I had been feeling without them.  Good and bad, I guess.  Good that there is something in the diet; bad, that it's probably something that's been a major part of my diet.  I just don't get all that excited about putting limits on myself, but you know, if I actually feel better, that'd be a good thing.  Glad it hit after we sang, was having trouble speaking, sounding very monotone, can't imagine singing in that state.

Need to come up with a title for my solo piece...have no idea, everything sounds either trite or heavy handed.  And I need to practice this bit with a jacket...being two characters, one putting the jacket on the other.  And if I'm stumbling over the language, is that because writing doesn't translate to speaking or because I just need to practice it more?

The concert feels too soon.  Only three more rehearsals.  The voice/breathing lessons are exhausting, but I did learn a new way of singing.  It all feels a bit chaotic, waiting for the pieces to land and reset.

Things that aren't working aren't gonna suddenly change.  Caring seems to be the normal behavior.  Why try to find it where it can't/won't exist?  It's not unheard of to want people in your life to ask how you are, want to know you.  That's a normal healthy behavior.  It's not that hard.  Do I only exist to notice you?  To be here only when you need something?  Was there any worth you saw in me?  If there ever is or was, maybe you could tell me, otherwise I'd never know it.  If nothing about me is ever good enough, I can't do it anymore, it's too exhausting, soul-sucking.  I die a little every time.  When I reach out, it's empty air.  And it's me that needs to change: I need to stop holding onto the hope that today will be any different than yesterday: there is no great epiphany.  Let what I thought I knew go, and let it reset how it will.

Show review

(I split this from previous post.)

Went to "Nine" and "The Long Road," Arouet at Eclectic Theatre.  "The Long Road," by Shelagh Stephenson is a fantastic script, even though I'm not a huge fan of summary monologues at the end of plays (the actual ending is the prisoner reading the letter from the woman whose son she killed, which helps, and much of this play is in monologue, each character addressing the audience.)  The play begins with the living son describing watching the random stabbing and death of his brother (by a girl strung out on drugs), the rest of the play is how the family deals with that in their own way (the father takes up running, and then when he blows out his knee, drinking; the mother writes a letter to the killer, decides she wants to meet her; the brother wants to be recognized as still being alive, and eventually joins the mother in the visits to the prison.)  Great cast, especially Eleanor Moseley as Mary (the mother), Jared Holloway-Thomas as Joe (the brother), and Abigail Grimstad as Emma (the killer.)  My only quibble with the show was the accents, it might make sense for the parents to have wildly different accents (Irish and British upper class?) say if they were from different places, but then Joe had a cockney accent which wasn't like either parent, so didn't really make sense (though he did it well.)  It was directed by Zandi Carlson, with assistant director, Mariajose Barrera.  It's the US premier of the play.  Sadly, only 14 people in the audience last night, which is a shame.  The sidewalks leading to the theatre are blocked by construction, the signage was poor, the street dark, and it was hard to tell if theatre was actually open, all of which might add to the lack of any walk-up sales.  I had a ticket, and I had to have someone wave me in because it didn't look open.

"Nine," by Jane Shepard, I'll give credit to Colleen Carey and Cynthia Geary (Woman 1 and Woman 2, respectively) for wanting to do challenging work and making that happen.  Had a very Beckett  (as well as Jose Rivera, but more for the subject and the way it plays on stage) feel to me, heightened by the fact that it opens with the actors walking onstage, putting the chains on themselves, and then going to a blackout to begin.  Almost makes it more metaphorical (they put the chains on themselves, what would that mean, then?)  And since I haven't read the script, I was left wondering if that was in the play (which changes the meaning for me) or a director's choice (Paul Budraitis), or the constraints of the space (there was no stage curtain in the theatre, and the set for "The Long Road" was behind a make-shift non-quite-opaque curtain.) They are being held captive, and tortured, outside of the room, and chained apart from each other.  Opens with Woman 1 checking on the condition of Woman 2 who is lying, in pain, on the floor, barely moving, presumably after an interrogation and/or beating, and ends with the opposite, and with Woman 1 slowly fading to death.  I preferred each actor for different aspects, Geary had power and "beauty" in her quiet and writhing movements on the floor; and Carey, when she just let loose and let herself shout finally.  I could feel her strength and power fully embodied, she was completely engaged in it.  Also, the way she faded after her interrogation was beautifully done.  Still, during the back and forth dialogue, in the games they play to stay alive, to stave off fear, I had trouble staying engaged, and I wanted to.  I suppose sometimes the immediacy, the connection between them waned, I wanted more of it. (And this was an early performance, which a lot of the ones I see are; it will evolve as the run continues.)

Day 12 or something

(Moved the show review to a separate post.)

Got a little sunburned yesterday, and the residual food-poisoning lingers on.  Day 12 or something (of the allergy testing thing, not being sick), cheated (a lot) between the benefit event on Friday night and being out all day yesterday, the not being organized and bringing my own food, been busy, but that's still an excuse.

Worked as an extra on a film yesterday.  We were shooting out on this playground pretty much all day.  It's a good learning experience for how filming works (a lot of waiting, repetitive actions, continuity, etc...) and you meet people (turned out I'd met several of the people before), and we all got our make-up done (the make-up artists did some awesome scars and bruises on the main characters, I was looking at them thinking, "Crap, I want to learn how to do that!")  It ran late and I was thinking I was gonna miss my rehearsal time, I got offered a ride there, but I had been rubbing dirt on my clothes and hands (it was a post-apocalyptic world) and was going to a show after that, so wanted to change.)  We got stuck in traffic coming back into town, metal and glass gleaming in the sun as far as the eye could see.  An occasional puff of blue smoke rising up suddenly in the distance and then dissipating just as suddenly so you almost thought it was imagined.  Miles of this, the sun baking down (felt like summer), and then suddenly, no traffic at all.  I was only 15 minutes late, the bus from home to the studio space is pretty fast on the weekends.

Rehearsal was rough, couldn't hit the physical nor find a key to sing in.  The other group must've left early, it was empty and dark when I got there.  Allowed for me to shout and sing really loud (and sound really bad), and hopefully work through whatever blocks are there.  There were many yesterday.  It happens, better in rehearsal than on the stage (that happens, too.)

Have a gig soon.  Need to go buy some food I said I'd bring.  Cheers.