Today would've been a good day to play hooky: probable last super nice day of the year, it's already 84 degrees out. I had an appointment to get my foot looked at this morning, and the doctor was running an hour behind schedule (and I couldn't reschedule as he's going out of town, plus I was already there, and I want to stop wearing the boot as soon as I can; it's gonna be raining more, and because of blood clot risk.) Five more weeks until he wants me to start PT, and if it doesn't hurt, I can switch to an ankle brace instead of the boot. I didn't make it into work until 1:30 pm.
For last night's insomnia, I did a personal strength quiz (VIA, it ranks 24 strengths; my top had to do with learning and knowledge, my 22nd was self-regulation, which I mention because I've known that one was weak, and have been trying to work on it.) It's funny, I'd bought Gretchen Rubin's book (Better than Before) about forming habits a while back, but had gotten stuck on trying to figure out what my tendency was, then recently there was a quiz attached to an article, which calculated it for me: Rebel (basically, rebel against outer and inner rules, so I have to find some other reason. Shame doesn't work. Cost doesn't work., etc.) Anyway, I was talking to my dental hygienist about (not) flossing regularly, decided to be completely transparent about it (usually I make myself floss some few weeks before the appointment.) And things like gum recession or future surgery don't work, because they are an unknown somewhere in the future which may or may not arrive. And he gave me a reason, which I think will work. (You'll have to find your own.)
The self-regulation gets harder as I get older. I think I had other conditioning that has faded over time, that formerly overran my rebel-nature, and it doesn't anymore. A friend was saying she has the same problem. But I also figured out where all that came from, too. Not sure what to do about it, but acknowledgment is a start. I'm trying to learn that what I want and need, matters, and that a lot of the things I do on automatic are not based on actual truths. (Just because something is ingrained, doesn't mean it's true, or should continue to be acted upon.) And the angry god, paternalism, doesn't carry the weight it once did, a good thing, but it leaves a void. And control through fear is unhealthy and dangerous, at any level.
Meeting the friend (not the phone call person) has brought up a lot of this. Things that hurt, that I need to deal with. Things I need to change in my own behavior, especially towards myself. (I also have been feeling listless and depressed; irrationally, it feels like I just went through the break-up again, something that happened more than half my lifetime ago.)
Finding out new things every day. Ultimately, I suppose it's for the best. It sucks.
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Monday, September 25, 2017
Monday
Put my sweater on backward, again. I noticed as I was leaving the house, but wanted to get to work on time, so left anyway. I really should put a new light-bulb in.
Worked on a video shoot last night for a performance project. It's for illustrating the project to potential venues. It's slow-tempo movement; it was fun. I'd been looking forward to it all month, but was still anxious all weekend about not wearing the "right" clothing. I could've emailed someone about it, but didn't. In the end, what I had was fine (and I mentioned that to one of the other actors, she said she did the same thing.) Anxiety: welcome to my head. Anyway, I hope the project happens, and I can be a part of the actual work. I love performing (and it's a cool project.)
My co-worker thinks I should talk to the phone-call person. I was thinking about it yesterday, I agree. We have to work together, it'd be weird to not acknowledge it, and less cowardly to deal with it on my part. (Although, still have to figure out the circumstances to address it.)
And I was wrong. On deeper thought, I know what I want.
Worked on a video shoot last night for a performance project. It's for illustrating the project to potential venues. It's slow-tempo movement; it was fun. I'd been looking forward to it all month, but was still anxious all weekend about not wearing the "right" clothing. I could've emailed someone about it, but didn't. In the end, what I had was fine (and I mentioned that to one of the other actors, she said she did the same thing.) Anxiety: welcome to my head. Anyway, I hope the project happens, and I can be a part of the actual work. I love performing (and it's a cool project.)
My co-worker thinks I should talk to the phone-call person. I was thinking about it yesterday, I agree. We have to work together, it'd be weird to not acknowledge it, and less cowardly to deal with it on my part. (Although, still have to figure out the circumstances to address it.)
And I was wrong. On deeper thought, I know what I want.
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
Awkward
I had a voice message from someone I've been loosely associated with for a while, and somehow his saying his name made me realize that we briefly dated back when I was 22 or 23. (We actually had met in high school at a camp or something.) If he hadn't said his name, I wouldn't have made the connection. He doesn't look the same at all. I'd forgotten about it (blocked it out? I dated a lot of people at 23, more than the rest of my life put together. None of it meant anything, i.e., wasn't serious, not for them, I don't think, either.) I'd briefly had a crush on him in high school, but dating was weird: dark, borderline abusive. After thinking about it, I now remember one of my roommates saying at the time, to our third roommate, plus myself, that he wasn't gonna change our phone number because we gave our number to people and then didn't want to answer the phone. And now it's awkward. I actually hope he doesn't make the connection at all. (Or hasn't, apparently, I'm really slow.) Or hopefully I'm wrong, and it's not the same person. (Most likely, it is. We had a conversation about something we had in common some months ago, which increases the odds.) I don't want to leave something that's important to me, kinda' done with all that, actually, the whole shrinking of my life: it was my world first. (And I'll accept that people can change over time. It was a long time ago.)
For the record, I've blacked a lot of things out. (Or perhaps they've all blurred together in my memory, and now suddenly, they are separating into the individual stories that they are. All of them, let loose by a phone call.) The political climate has brought stuff back up, stuff I'd rather not remember, though I'm surprised I'd forgotten about some of it, didn't happen all that long ago. (The memories are real, I wrote about them at the time. I've kept journals since high school, plus I told the friends I was with.)
I find that I'm unexpectedly free. I should finish the book; "Anne of Green Gables." It's sweet, and poetic, and I originally picked it up because I remembered that my mom liked the series on public television. It's a nice respite from most everything else I've been reading. And I've been getting "your library book is way past due" emails. It is.
For the record, I've blacked a lot of things out. (Or perhaps they've all blurred together in my memory, and now suddenly, they are separating into the individual stories that they are. All of them, let loose by a phone call.) The political climate has brought stuff back up, stuff I'd rather not remember, though I'm surprised I'd forgotten about some of it, didn't happen all that long ago. (The memories are real, I wrote about them at the time. I've kept journals since high school, plus I told the friends I was with.)
I find that I'm unexpectedly free. I should finish the book; "Anne of Green Gables." It's sweet, and poetic, and I originally picked it up because I remembered that my mom liked the series on public television. It's a nice respite from most everything else I've been reading. And I've been getting "your library book is way past due" emails. It is.
Dealing with myself
Woke up late. Less pissed off (almost not, bothers me still, but I'm not pissed.) Had insomnia and a long ear worm playing in my head around 3 am, and my leg hurt. Dreamt about travel, but never arriving, never actually taking off, and the destination kept changing (as did the people I was traveling with.) I wondered how much time I'd taken off of work, and then wondered if I'd actually gotten around to telling anyone. And then I sat at a different chair at a long table for dinner, so never got the food I ordered. Left wondering if I still had to pay for it (the bill never came), and hungry. Walking back to our rooms, a co-worker was suddenly there, and she grabbed something out of a display case to eat, I asked if we could do that, she just did it anyway. (Go ahead and take what you need?) I woke up before I took any food. Stumbling around because I wasn't fully awake, but didn't want to be late for work.
Head more clear. Cold-read, but haven't finished the book. Trying to face my own issues, so that they don't overtake my head, apparently, I think too much: rumination. (I wasn't wishing I was anywhere, or with anyone, else.) Would like to focus on doing something useful in the world. Much greater issues than mine: feeling used to get back at/gain the attention of someone who wasn't in the room. His trying to feel something that he can't, doesn't, is not in a place for; that is what it is, the latter is life, not everything is gonna work. And I think I was too bold, anyway. Obviously it's the first part that bothers me, feels like sleight-of-hand, had been under the impression it was a date, with me. And it's true, it bothers me, in general, when you're hanging out with someone, friend/date/family member, and they are checking their phone the whole time (he wasn't doing that), it's the idea of being present with who you are with. So, what's my issue that this bothers me more than that? History (shared) and baggage (mine.) Thought I dealt with this, ugh. And I guess I need to face it again, now; if not now, I'll have to face it again later. Do we get good at this? (Edited this at 3 am on Saturday, because I don't feel like writing a different post. Plus, someone is stomping around downstairs, so, probably not falling back asleep until they stop. Have to go lead a work party in the morning.)
Still, I do have to take care of myself. What I want matters too, for me, for any healthy relationship; and I'm not sure what that is.
Head more clear. Cold-read, but haven't finished the book. Trying to face my own issues, so that they don't overtake my head, apparently, I think too much: rumination. (I wasn't wishing I was anywhere, or with anyone, else.) Would like to focus on doing something useful in the world. Much greater issues than mine: feeling used to get back at/gain the attention of someone who wasn't in the room. His trying to feel something that he can't, doesn't, is not in a place for; that is what it is, the latter is life, not everything is gonna work. And I think I was too bold, anyway. Obviously it's the first part that bothers me, feels like sleight-of-hand, had been under the impression it was a date, with me. And it's true, it bothers me, in general, when you're hanging out with someone, friend/date/family member, and they are checking their phone the whole time (he wasn't doing that), it's the idea of being present with who you are with. So, what's my issue that this bothers me more than that? History (shared) and baggage (mine.) Thought I dealt with this, ugh. And I guess I need to face it again, now; if not now, I'll have to face it again later. Do we get good at this? (Edited this at 3 am on Saturday, because I don't feel like writing a different post. Plus, someone is stomping around downstairs, so, probably not falling back asleep until they stop. Have to go lead a work party in the morning.)
Still, I do have to take care of myself. What I want matters too, for me, for any healthy relationship; and I'm not sure what that is.
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
Where I'm at
"Something doesn't actually need to be real in order to have power in our lives." Stolen from a friend's facebook post.
Mood swings
I think it must be raining. I'm feeling too lazy to look, plus, it's still dark out. Woke us yesterday morning feeling the opposite of Sunday, like all the joy had been sucked out, that it was a fluke, that I was played (maliciously or not, and I don't necessarily think it was malicious, but thinking that somehow doesn't make me feel any better.) Yeah, I get it, life is messy. I respect that, but I still need to clear my head. Is it true, was I? I don't know, I haven't been able to shake the feeling. Even thinking it sucks, especially if it's not (consciously, meaning: caluculated. And transactions that look fair on paper "win=win" don't necessarily play out the same, emotions get involved) true. It makes me feel disloyal, and distrusting...because I gave too much trust, too soon. And it sucks if it's true, we had just had a conversation about it.
A change in the weather dramatically blew through yesterday afternoon, darkening skies, a big sudden drop in temperature, wind, and pounding rain, and then our usual "one peal of thunder." Guess it wanted to get our attention. My coworker came by a little later to say she'd seen a flash of light, and briefly wondered if she'd been hallucinating (she wasn't facing a window), but then heard the thunder, so figured she wasn't.
Another friend who works in the building had found a massive fig tree on his daily walk and came in to throw some at me...they were really good. I thought the trees were done a month ago. He says it's loaded still, he knows where all the fruit trees are.
And we mostly ended up rehearsing "Oma Maa" (Sibelius) last night (we have three gigs coming up, all with completely different music); the harmonies give me goosebumps, and the people who sit behind me have gorgeous voices. It's my favorite piece of music to sing (also, at the very top of my range, so it's hard, too. And since we don't have the orchestral part, and will have maybe one rehearsal with the conductor, that'll be hard, too. When we sang "Finlandia" at Benaroya a couple of years ago, I couldn't figure out what the conductor was counting-couldn't see his down beats, and the time signature kept changing-and we were spread out in the audience to sing it, which made it even harder. At least this time we will be on the stage, together, and facing the conductor.)
The best of it was that in being around him, (aside from that he's funny, he's wicked smart, we have a lot in common, and in general, I enjoy his company) I saw the good in myself, what I bring to the world, and whether he remains a part of my life or not, all those things are still true. I need to remind myself (constantly) of that, too.
This is me acknowledging that I have feelings, I'll get over it. (And this has nothing to do with sex.) In the meantime, life goes on.
A change in the weather dramatically blew through yesterday afternoon, darkening skies, a big sudden drop in temperature, wind, and pounding rain, and then our usual "one peal of thunder." Guess it wanted to get our attention. My coworker came by a little later to say she'd seen a flash of light, and briefly wondered if she'd been hallucinating (she wasn't facing a window), but then heard the thunder, so figured she wasn't.
Another friend who works in the building had found a massive fig tree on his daily walk and came in to throw some at me...they were really good. I thought the trees were done a month ago. He says it's loaded still, he knows where all the fruit trees are.
And we mostly ended up rehearsing "Oma Maa" (Sibelius) last night (we have three gigs coming up, all with completely different music); the harmonies give me goosebumps, and the people who sit behind me have gorgeous voices. It's my favorite piece of music to sing (also, at the very top of my range, so it's hard, too. And since we don't have the orchestral part, and will have maybe one rehearsal with the conductor, that'll be hard, too. When we sang "Finlandia" at Benaroya a couple of years ago, I couldn't figure out what the conductor was counting-couldn't see his down beats, and the time signature kept changing-and we were spread out in the audience to sing it, which made it even harder. At least this time we will be on the stage, together, and facing the conductor.)
The best of it was that in being around him, (aside from that he's funny, he's wicked smart, we have a lot in common, and in general, I enjoy his company) I saw the good in myself, what I bring to the world, and whether he remains a part of my life or not, all those things are still true. I need to remind myself (constantly) of that, too.
This is me acknowledging that I have feelings, I'll get over it. (And this has nothing to do with sex.) In the meantime, life goes on.
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Sunday afternoon
Hallelujah, it's finally raining! (Doubly pleased because we really need the rain, and also because it means I can get away with basically doing nothing much for the rest of the day. Need to go work on the garden...really need to work on the garden, but don't feel like going.) The rain will kinda' be a pain with the boot (which I am now wearing for three more weeks, and I overwalked on it, and it hurts a bit. Somehow misplaced the compression wrap last night, not too many places it could've gotten to, but eluding me at the moment.) Reading "High Fidelity" to try to finish it. Had a conversation about it (well, the movie) with a friend a few weeks back. Thought I'd try to read it for part of the Bingo thing (book that was turned into a movie), but the hold didn't come in in time, so read "Fahrenheit 451" instead; I'd watched the latter movie earlier in the summer, book and movie different enough to make it interesting (the ending is very different, the book more grim.)
I have another book, overdue, to finish, and I want to work on cold reading (need to work on monologues, too, but wasn't gonna do that today.) Went to a show with a friend on Friday night, and made me think that it's time to get off my ass and audition, again. If you don't work for the things that matter to you, you just find yourself older and in the same place.
And then the facing of myself in ways that only come out in relation to someone else that brings them out. As in everything, theory is interesting, but not the same as living. And getting along with someone so well, I find myself afraid it's a fluke...only to remind myself, I have had real, honest, close friendships that weren't hard work all the time. I have to remind myself: not everything has to be hard all the time.
I have another book, overdue, to finish, and I want to work on cold reading (need to work on monologues, too, but wasn't gonna do that today.) Went to a show with a friend on Friday night, and made me think that it's time to get off my ass and audition, again. If you don't work for the things that matter to you, you just find yourself older and in the same place.
And then the facing of myself in ways that only come out in relation to someone else that brings them out. As in everything, theory is interesting, but not the same as living. And getting along with someone so well, I find myself afraid it's a fluke...only to remind myself, I have had real, honest, close friendships that weren't hard work all the time. I have to remind myself: not everything has to be hard all the time.
Thursday, September 7, 2017
Re-injure
On my way to run errands before choir practice, I tripped and landed on my foot sideways. Made it home, but it's pretty swollen, and it hurts (not unbearablly so, but pretty bad.) Kinda' threw out my back, too. So, instead of choir, I'm lying around with my foot wrapped in an Ace bandage, and elevated. Waiting for the ice-pack to re-freeze. I guess, at least it's the same foot as before? I can use the boot if necessary. I hope it's just a sprain. My new housemate asked if I needed a ride somewhere, which was nice. I'm gonna wait and see how I feel in the morning, and there's clinic across the street from work.
Speaking of the house, the whole house turned over, except the man in the room next to me, and myself. Change is inevitable, as much as I get anxious about it. Lot of change, which alternates between excitement and terror, or maybe they are two sides of the same thing.
The hoped for rain never arrived. So the smoke still lingers. Yesterday and today, all day, an orange glow where the sunlight broke through. It was like dawn all day. Every moment a new beginning, a chance to start over. Endless chances. Strange light.
After saying I didn't know what I would do with my time, a neighbor posted that she was giving away plums, if anyone wanted, so I walked up and picked some. Coming home, not very late, very little traffic, no one out on the streets, the few cars I saw had headlights burning early. It must be the smoke.
Maybe I should've taken higher anti-inflammatories...this is really starting to hurt.
Speaking of the house, the whole house turned over, except the man in the room next to me, and myself. Change is inevitable, as much as I get anxious about it. Lot of change, which alternates between excitement and terror, or maybe they are two sides of the same thing.
The hoped for rain never arrived. So the smoke still lingers. Yesterday and today, all day, an orange glow where the sunlight broke through. It was like dawn all day. Every moment a new beginning, a chance to start over. Endless chances. Strange light.
After saying I didn't know what I would do with my time, a neighbor posted that she was giving away plums, if anyone wanted, so I walked up and picked some. Coming home, not very late, very little traffic, no one out on the streets, the few cars I saw had headlights burning early. It must be the smoke.
Maybe I should've taken higher anti-inflammatories...this is really starting to hurt.
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
Finally done
Now that the Summer Book Bingo is over, and my foot is more or less weight bearing, what shall I fill my time with? I feel very free.
By author, I read (since beginning of July, sat around a lot with the not-being-able-to-walk thing):
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams*
I, Robot - Isaac Asimov
Are You My Mother? - Alison Bechdel
In the Unlikely Event - Judy Blume
Fahrenheit 451 - Ray Bradbury
The Martian Chronicles - Ray Bradbury
Time Out of Joint - Philip K. Dick
Following the Milky Way-A Pilgrimage Across Spain - Ellen O. Feinberg
The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald*
i am Brian Wilson - Ben Greenman and Brian Wilson
Langston Hughes Short Stories - Ed. by Akiba Sullivan Harper
Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
A Wrinkle in Time - Madeleine L'Engle*
True and False-Heresy and Common Sense for the Actor - David Mamet
Night Train to Lisbon - Pascal Mercier
19 Varieties of Gazelle-Poems of the Middle East - Naomi Shihab Nye
You & Yours - Naomi Shihab Nye
Citizen 13660 - Miné Okubo
Felicity - Mary Oliver
Boy, Snow, Bird - Helen Oyeyemi
The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger
Shrill - Lindy West
A Room of One's Own - Virginia Woolf
* have also read in full in the past. The Mamet and Feinberg books, I've read in part in the past, but re-read, in order.
By author, I read (since beginning of July, sat around a lot with the not-being-able-to-walk thing):
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams*
I, Robot - Isaac Asimov
Are You My Mother? - Alison Bechdel
In the Unlikely Event - Judy Blume
Fahrenheit 451 - Ray Bradbury
The Martian Chronicles - Ray Bradbury
Time Out of Joint - Philip K. Dick
Following the Milky Way-A Pilgrimage Across Spain - Ellen O. Feinberg
The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald*
i am Brian Wilson - Ben Greenman and Brian Wilson
Langston Hughes Short Stories - Ed. by Akiba Sullivan Harper
Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
A Wrinkle in Time - Madeleine L'Engle*
True and False-Heresy and Common Sense for the Actor - David Mamet
Night Train to Lisbon - Pascal Mercier
19 Varieties of Gazelle-Poems of the Middle East - Naomi Shihab Nye
You & Yours - Naomi Shihab Nye
Citizen 13660 - Miné Okubo
Felicity - Mary Oliver
Boy, Snow, Bird - Helen Oyeyemi
The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger
Shrill - Lindy West
A Room of One's Own - Virginia Woolf
* have also read in full in the past. The Mamet and Feinberg books, I've read in part in the past, but re-read, in order.
Apocalyptic
Ash, from forest fires. Swirling around my head when I got off of the bus, I tried to brush it away with my hands, thinking it was a swarm of gnats, then noticed it falling from the sky. Last time we had ash was in 1980 when the Mt St. Helens blew. Wondered if I missed the news (joked about nuclear winter. Perhaps if you were born after 1991, you don't get that. We thought we were free of the fear, but there was never a full disarmament. But we all grew up with the fear of nuclear war, or at least it always played in the background: life goes on.) The sky full of smoke above. My co-worker pulled me outside to look at the sun: red.
Last night I walked out to the lake to watch the sun, trying to finish one last book in my room, and lying in a pool of sweat, the orange light shining on my wall. The sun disappeared into nothingness, as a man pulled out his camera to shoot a photo behind me. Didn't even set, just faded into gray. When the light got too low to read, I went to a bar, which has some air flow, stayed 'til it was dark.
By the time I walked home, the moon had risen high enough to see, blood red. No one else seemed to notice, and I wanted someone else to look at it. Finally, heading up my street, a man walking his dog stopped to take a picture of the moon but I didn't say anything to him, he was on the other side of the street and in his own world. It was visible from the sidewalk in front of my house, but no one was home, so I couldn't drag any of my housemates out to look at it. Went on facebook, and the first post I saw was a friend mentioning it: knew there must've been some deeper reason I wanted to know you back when we met. Today, more of my friends are commenting on it.
Still haven't finished the book. The bingo thing needs to be turned in today. I've got about 100 pages left, so might be doable (but it's dense.) I'm in a section where a long-term friendship (decades) was destroyed, and I remembered one of the first books I finished for this thing dealt with a similar issue. (Judy Blume, "In the Unlikely Event," and Pascal Mercier, "Night Train to Lisbon.") The unquenchable pain, bookends my summer.
Last night I walked out to the lake to watch the sun, trying to finish one last book in my room, and lying in a pool of sweat, the orange light shining on my wall. The sun disappeared into nothingness, as a man pulled out his camera to shoot a photo behind me. Didn't even set, just faded into gray. When the light got too low to read, I went to a bar, which has some air flow, stayed 'til it was dark.
By the time I walked home, the moon had risen high enough to see, blood red. No one else seemed to notice, and I wanted someone else to look at it. Finally, heading up my street, a man walking his dog stopped to take a picture of the moon but I didn't say anything to him, he was on the other side of the street and in his own world. It was visible from the sidewalk in front of my house, but no one was home, so I couldn't drag any of my housemates out to look at it. Went on facebook, and the first post I saw was a friend mentioning it: knew there must've been some deeper reason I wanted to know you back when we met. Today, more of my friends are commenting on it.
Still haven't finished the book. The bingo thing needs to be turned in today. I've got about 100 pages left, so might be doable (but it's dense.) I'm in a section where a long-term friendship (decades) was destroyed, and I remembered one of the first books I finished for this thing dealt with a similar issue. (Judy Blume, "In the Unlikely Event," and Pascal Mercier, "Night Train to Lisbon.") The unquenchable pain, bookends my summer.
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