Just shy of the half-way point

The idea that one's focus on stage should always be external is a helpful/comforting one.  I've yet to figure out how to "pack" the moment to elicit and emotional response on cue (because the script or director requires it) without leaving the current circumstances to drum up some memory (emotional recall) or thought that will trigger the desired response.  I don't want to have to go into my head or body to get it at the cost of leaving the present circumstances going on, on stage, or set.  I've gotten there before by creating strong enough circumstances in the room itself, but I haven't done that enough to call it up on cue.

Anyway, in class tonight, it was more about how you are never the most important person on the stage (but whomever, or whatever, you are responding to, is.)  That focus/aim, direction, and distance, and your relationship to the things/people on stage are important.  That if those things are clear for you, they will be clear for the audience.  (And we've probably talked about this before, and I've probably written about it before, but I'd forgotten about it, and it's good to be reminded of it.)  That all of the forms that we do are toward the end of using them to be a better actor, because in the end, this is an acting intensive, even if it feels like stand-alone exercises; and it all helps to get out of one's head, and to pay attention to what is going on around you, what does the group need?  What does the room need?  Where and how are you sending your energy/focus?

In the breakout sessions, we worked on ways to come back if you've lost connection on stage: one point, relaxation, ki, and I can't remember what the other one is called, but it has to do with the underside of your arm/foot/leg, etc.  We also worked on connection with props. the way you sit with a connection to the chair, or the way you hold a cup, etc., and then we started the tightrope walking, both for focus, and for the idea of not playing the end, not worrying about getting across the rope to the end, but saying this speech, and working toward this objective with this tactic, and then the next one, etc, or taking one good step, and then another good step, until you get all the way across, and in a play, until you come to the end.  You know what your goal is, but you have to get there step by step.

Only 28 more hours of class.  And the performance piece is coming together.  And we get to fall for that one, so, I'll need to practice that more.

And I know what to expect, still, I remain in a state of being terrified and excited at the same time.  I want to be there, and I'm afraid of what is expected.  Not sure what consequence it is that I fear...no one's gonna hurt me if I mess something up, I'll just have to do it again.  It's not expected that I'll be perfect, there would be no point in being here if that were the case.  The training really is for the betterment of the room, and the practice.

Friday, and no break in sight

The crows have babies.  Was walking around the building at work, and a crow was cawing (aggressively) in a nearby tree.  Four students were walking just behind me, one commented that he wouldn't miss the black birds.  The crow became more ruffled and agitated.  He clarified to his friends that they swoop down at people.  I turned and said that it was because they had babies.  One of his friends paused a moment and replied, "I'd kinda' like it."  Another chimed in, "Me, too."  I haven't heard that before.  I like crows, but I don't particularly like getting dive bombed; perhaps they wanted any contact at all with a wild animal.

I took Wednesday off of work, so I could do some gardening, (weeding, planting, etc.) and wash laundry (I'm pulling 16 hour days right now).  The weeding and turning soil over went without incident.  I was watering with a watering can, and a chickadee landed on a poppy plant nearby.  Didn't think all that much of it.  Next thing I know, I have a bird land on my calf, and another smack me in the head, and then follow me over to the faucet.  Not sure what was up with that.  Was I near a nest (but I'd been near it for the previous hour)?  Did they want water?  Don't know.  Both intrigued and frightened me a little, only lasted for a few minutes and then they were gone.

Class is going alright.  Trying to remember everything, and if I focus on one part, something else gets dropped, i.e., I remember to breathe and I forget how to move my arms (or which arm is doing what), or I focus on my partner and then forget to sing.  And then I remember to move from my center and breathe and for a moment am more present and balanced, and then I forget.

I'm still really tired, but I feel good.

I need to start writing again, and reading text/monologues; I'm falling out of practice.

Begin again

Starting the theatre intensive again, tonight.  The nerves persist, even though I know what to expect, and I know I've been here before, and survived it (and actually enjoy it).  Still, they persist.  (In a nervous energy-how-can-I-fill-the-time-beforehand-business, kinda way.)

I'm less cocky than I was last year, half wanting to be in the regular group, and half wanting to be newbie group to relearn everything.  Wondering how they will split us up.