Just, write

The remedy for writer's block is to write, and the block to writing is perfectionism.  That which rears it's ugly head once (well, most of the time) again.  The idea that whatever I present has to be flawless because there is an audience and they have paid money to be there...or even just because there is actually an audience.  But it's also a process, a place to try out material and see what sticks.  And if I don't start writing I won't get there at all, which is all well and good to say, but it's just talk until I put it down on paper.  Sigh.  Have now gone completely sideways with this.  An idea I jotted down years ago, before I even had email.  (If it stays in the same vein, that'll make sense.)

I see there's a workshop in self-producing this fall, maybe I can get this written in time to apply for that, though I'm giving myself a deadline of tomorrow.  I need to have other eyes and ears on it, someone outside of my own head.  And I need something written, even a very rough draft, before I ask people to give feedback.

Went for a walk the other night, around the lake, hoping to see part of the sunset. Somehow missed that, and it was getting dark.  Walked as far as the shell house.  During daylight, each light is surrounded by what looks like old cobwebs.  When the lights switch on at dusk, you can see these are great colonies of spiders.  Lots and lots of spiders, of every size.  Running up and down the highways of silk, up and down the walls and roll-up doors.  A whole other city that hides during the day, and takes over at night.  Thousands of spiders.  Another woman stopped to look and commented that they were smart, building the webs around the lights in such a way to funnel insects into them.  A clever hunting strategy.  It's fascinating to see, and yet I still involuntarily shuddered when I got too close, overcome with the heebie-jeebies at the thought of accidentally walking into part of the web that I couldn't see, and having it stick to me, being covered suddenly in spiders.  It still makes me shudder.

Disjunct and writer's block

Apologies for my lack of coherence. The sky spat a smattering rain this morning, and I ran into my boss at the grocery store, who then drove me to work. It's raining more productively now, and I walked the full way home. I'm glad for the rain: my garden needs watering, and I don't have the time to go tonight. I turned a corner and there were snails everywhere, turned another and they were gone. Just the one street. I have my window open, and I'm wearing shorts now because my jeans are in the dryer. I'm actually cold.

Friday is now sold out as well. Yea!...I think.

I have writer's block.

The application is due Wednesday. What I've written for the application has been typed; it's not particularly coherent. I have plenty of editing to do. It would help to print it out. I can't even remember what the question was. I do have it, just not looking at it. This post isn't coherent either. Oh, geez. I don't want to do anything. Maybe I should go for a walk; taking a nap would be counter productive. At least my laundry is done.

My housemate might have been exposed to the measles. I hope not. I do not want to get sick right now. I want to do this show. I've been vaccinated, but that was a long time ago, how long is it good for?  Think I will go for a walk...am thinking too much about food to actually write. I don't even know that I'm hungry, it's more the distraction of knowing that I should eat at some point tonight. It's also the pressure of having to write something that needs to sound intelligent. I am intelligent, I'm just not particularly good at communicating that. My thoughts are diffuse, like ambient, unfocused light. Even more so now, because of the pressure of this. I'm gonna make this training work either way, but it would give me breathing space to get the scholarship. Eventually, this will support two students for the full program, but not this year. This year there's only one. I imagine we all have merit. (And most of us probably also have the need.) And at any rate, this writing, selling myself to a panel, auditioning, etc., is good practice even if I am rebelling right now. I think I need to walk away for a while (from the computer and from the house.)

Is it good or bad that we only had a few notes last night? Did it go alright, or was he just tired by that point?