Thrilling

that would be the adjective I would use to describe this work. You just don't know from moment to moment how things will turn out. You cannot control it.  I can only say that commitment matters. Presence matters. Reaction in the moment matters.  All as in theatre, only sometimes more so. For whatever reason, it went well today, so I'm elated. But it might not next time. But...I want to be in the ring. I want to learn to show up completely.

Notes for self: I've got a deadpan face. It doesn't matter why, and I'm sure I could come up with a laundry list...point is, I need to register big emotions in my face (in body too, but I think that might follow automatically) so the stoicism needs to break. It's not serving me in this arena. And again from before, I need to figure out why even when I think I'm making contact with the audience, it's not registering with them. How do I make myself more receivable? Oh, and I need to let myself receive the "reward." That follows with what I wrote earlier about "impulse."

Aside from that, it's a gorgeous afternoon. Perfect heat-level for me (mid-70's with heat reflecting back off of the pavement), sun dropping low, air glowing in the "candy-aquarmarine" colors, slightest of breezes, and I'm itching to go out and do something. But I'm really hungry, so I will cook instead. Peace.

Oh, and one more thing: I sang loud and pretty badly for everyone, and I so wanted to get out what I had in me, all self-consciousness disappeared. Interesting, and progress.  I don't know if I've ever experienced that before.

stop already!

There is a certain futility in aiming for the attention of someone determined not to give it to you. (I think I have to include my landlord here, been trying to get leaking sink fixed for a year.) Back to piles of mindless work. Will not let anxiety get the best of me. Will not cry on my co-workers. (More medical crap.) Will not let zombies (or was that a human?) walk unimpeded through the building with nerf-gun drawn.  Suddenly feel the urge to go home and blast Hüsker Dü on the stereo.

Here's a haiku (a work in progress, good practice) inspired by a bunch of gulls conversing:

on cold wet green grass
strange congregation of birds
gather, squawk in turn.