So, it's Lent, and after church, we met and planned our funerals...well, at least started to. Much more fun than it sounds. Several of us couldn't narrow it down to three songs, so we'll probably just have singing. Maybe a verse. Definitely a poem or two for me, at the moment I'm leaning toward, "When Death Comes" by Mary Oliver. If only for the reason that I like the idea that Death would open his purse, and pull out all his bright coins to pay for me. That Death would find me worth paying for. Songwise, I think I was past 10. Someone next to me decided she wanted chocolate cake served. I mentioned she could have a signature cocktail. Who decided how funerals should be anyway? If no one comes, it'll just be some paid organist playing a bunch of songs. The point of it all was that it saves your loved ones the stress of having plan a funeral/memorial and maybe not knowing what your wishes were.
The sun's out. Though it was clear and frosty when I woke up, it's not particularly cold out now. Tired of being cold, all I do is sleep. It snowed again on Friday, not much, but it has felt like we have had a "real" winter this year. First one I can remember. (And I like winter and snow, I'm just tired of being cold. The heat at work hasn't really been working for months now.)
Yesterday, I made bone broth; ran some errands, finally disinfected my mouth guard, have been avoiding it because last time I wore it I had strep, and was afraid it had mutated into some superbug. Watched a movie that was due back. Also attended a workshop on political advocacy, particularly around homelessness, but it applies across the board.
The washer stopped working after I'd put all the clothes I can wear to work in it. Surprisingly, my landlord came by late to fix it (10 ish?) and ran my laundry while I was sleeping. I woke up in the middle of the night to hang it to dry, so at least I had pants to wear to work.
I'm singing at a benefit gala next week, and we have new music (hard, but cool, music) for a concert someone left an endowment for when they passed away. The Finnish choir had it's big event (Kalevala Day) last weekend. It was the best one we've done, even if the audience was small. We have a couple weeks off, might have something coming up in the spring. I missed the Generals again. Really need to get some monologues down, also, need a new headshot as I chopped off all my hair in January
Magnolias had begun to bloom down near the Market a week ago, and this morning I saw plum trees beginning to blossom. Gonna go out and enjoy the sun.
Sunday, March 10, 2019
Friday, February 8, 2019
Later that weekend
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| Pathways, Feb 4/L Herlevi, 2019 |
On Sunday, we got the first of our snowstorms. Shut down work through Tuesday, And we're having our second snowstorm as I type. Work only had a half day. It's pretty. Snow is in the forecast at least through next Thursday. It hardly ever snows here.
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| Birch Trees at the Lake, Feb 4/L Herlevi, 2019 |
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| Trees, Feb 4/L Herlevi, 2019 |
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| Rosehips, Feb 4/L Herlevi, 2019 |
Also on Saturday
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| Into the new tunnel, Feb 2/L Herlevi, 2019 |
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| Battery St Tunnel, Feb 2/L Herlevi, 2019 |
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| The last to pass through, Feb 2/L Herlevi, 2019 |
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| Out on the Viaduct, Feb 2/L Herlevi, 2019 |
Thursday, February 7, 2019
Early on Saturday
Went to the ID with a friend to check out the Wing Luke Museum's event for the Chinese New Year. They had lion dances outside in the street, and I think dragons, too. I couldn't really see over the crowd. We were both planning on coming back for the bigger, district-wide celebration this weekend, but there is a big snowstorm in the forecast, so, glad we made it.
Here's a few pictures of that.
Here's a few pictures of that.
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| How I saw the action, Feb 2/L Herlevi, 2019 |
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| Lion(?) looks in the window, Feb 2/L Herlevi, 2019 |
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| Firecrackers, Feb 2/L Herlevi, 2019 |
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| Firecrackers, Feb 2/L Herlevi, 2019 |
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| A face in the crowd, Feb 2/L Herlevi, 2019 |
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| Tai Tung, Feb 2/L Herlevi, 2019 |
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| Walking up King St., Feb 2/L Herlevi, 2019 |
Thursday, January 3, 2019
A new year
Lying around listening to the radio, and further off, a flock of geese calling out as they circle overhead. It's another dark day (weatherwise), I think the rain has started up again. Did the only thing I had to do earlier today (pick up mail), detoured home by way of the garden, found it resting mostly; artichoke plants thriving, calendula healthy and in flower (not a spot of powdery mildew to be found now) due to the wet, and very mild "cold" season. Got back home before the rain started up again. Three-and-a-half days left of vacation. No longer sick.
Yesterday, went downtown early (ish) to renew driver's license, return a pair of slippers, and pay a bill. The whole license process took less than 20 minutes, in spite of being the day after a holiday. Biggest change (and it is a huge change) was that all of our license numbers have been updated, so have to memorize a new one, after all this time. Went to REI to use my dividend, intending to get a water bottle, but ended up with a long wool sweater instead, the price was pretty close (why are water bottles so expensive?!) And then went to Glazer's Camera to buy some film, been ages since I shot film, been itching to shoot some, and had been one of the things I wanted to do during the time off. I have yet to load it into a camera, tomorrow, perhaps. It's raining in earnest now.
Finally made it to a couple of movies, Alfonso Cuaron's "Roma" and Hirokazu Kore-eda's "Shoplifters." Both of them being more slow-burning, meandering films following the lives of a maid and the family she serves in early 1970's Mexico City (Roma), and a chosen family of shoplifters in Japan (Shoplifters), both, in a way, about "family" and how one defines and finds their place within. "Roma" was shot in b/w, and is the most beautiful cinematography I've ever seen. "Shoplifters" got under my skin, and has really stayed with me, there was no resolution. There is a certain honor in the choices, even if under the rule of law and civil society, they were wrong, such as when the "father", when asked by authorities why he taught the children how to shoplift, replies, "I don't know anything else to teach them." What they have is the love that binds them, and the secrets kept that (possibly, we never really know for sure) break those bonds apart.
Walked the labyrinth again this year (I had told some people about it earlier in the day, and so had company this year). I didn't find any resolution, like I had last year (but maybe I didn't need it, and sometimes action is discipline for it's own sake. I have things I'm coming to terms with, but I think it'll be a longer process, and I'm okay with that.) Also, I found a place to burn things to let go of, but the paper caught fire so quickly, I ended up dropping it on the floor, and letting it burn itself up there because I wasn't wearing shoes. Luckily, the floor wasn't flammable, and I didn't burn anything down; when the flame had burned itself out, I picked up what was left of the paper and dropped it in the sand. Later, I caught a bus to a party in Lake City, and came home before midnight because another friend was tired and driving home early, and I was able to get a ride home. I fell asleep before midnight. Went for a group walk in the chilly morning, but it just felt like any other day.
Life churns onward. Happy New Year.
Yesterday, went downtown early (ish) to renew driver's license, return a pair of slippers, and pay a bill. The whole license process took less than 20 minutes, in spite of being the day after a holiday. Biggest change (and it is a huge change) was that all of our license numbers have been updated, so have to memorize a new one, after all this time. Went to REI to use my dividend, intending to get a water bottle, but ended up with a long wool sweater instead, the price was pretty close (why are water bottles so expensive?!) And then went to Glazer's Camera to buy some film, been ages since I shot film, been itching to shoot some, and had been one of the things I wanted to do during the time off. I have yet to load it into a camera, tomorrow, perhaps. It's raining in earnest now.
Finally made it to a couple of movies, Alfonso Cuaron's "Roma" and Hirokazu Kore-eda's "Shoplifters." Both of them being more slow-burning, meandering films following the lives of a maid and the family she serves in early 1970's Mexico City (Roma), and a chosen family of shoplifters in Japan (Shoplifters), both, in a way, about "family" and how one defines and finds their place within. "Roma" was shot in b/w, and is the most beautiful cinematography I've ever seen. "Shoplifters" got under my skin, and has really stayed with me, there was no resolution. There is a certain honor in the choices, even if under the rule of law and civil society, they were wrong, such as when the "father", when asked by authorities why he taught the children how to shoplift, replies, "I don't know anything else to teach them." What they have is the love that binds them, and the secrets kept that (possibly, we never really know for sure) break those bonds apart.
Walked the labyrinth again this year (I had told some people about it earlier in the day, and so had company this year). I didn't find any resolution, like I had last year (but maybe I didn't need it, and sometimes action is discipline for it's own sake. I have things I'm coming to terms with, but I think it'll be a longer process, and I'm okay with that.) Also, I found a place to burn things to let go of, but the paper caught fire so quickly, I ended up dropping it on the floor, and letting it burn itself up there because I wasn't wearing shoes. Luckily, the floor wasn't flammable, and I didn't burn anything down; when the flame had burned itself out, I picked up what was left of the paper and dropped it in the sand. Later, I caught a bus to a party in Lake City, and came home before midnight because another friend was tired and driving home early, and I was able to get a ride home. I fell asleep before midnight. Went for a group walk in the chilly morning, but it just felt like any other day.
Life churns onward. Happy New Year.
Monday, December 24, 2018
Monday morning before Christmas
The morning of Christmas Eve. The sun is making an appearance, sending golden light under the edges of the grey lid of cloud, lighting the upper edges of the apartments closer to the lake. A dry lull in the cycle of recent storms.
Woke up to a downpour yesterday, and when I turned on my phone, found a text from a friend saying she'd be late picking me up. I'd thought she was out of town, so it was a welcome message. Also, I'd woken up late. We made it for the last part of the rehearsal, I got relegated to alto, hopefully, not an on-going thing: I can't sing that low on a regular basis. Spent the afternoon running errands; last minute Christmas gifts, and looking for anything to shorten the length of this (now day 6) annual virus I've managed to catch. Last night definitely the worst, horrific headache, and I kept waking myself up gasping for breath, and drenched in sweat. I think it's just a bad cold.
I'd planned on making biscotti, but now have to wait until I'm better. And using up leftovers to make hash (before going up to visit my family), but have so far only managed to make, and drink, a cup of tea, and brush my teeth. I need to go pick up a car in an hour. And do laundry. And run a couple more errands, before an early rehearsal and service for Christmas Eve. I just want to sleep.
The traffic is steady and loud, like a distant river, or wind through a wood. I can hear one chirp of a bird a couple houses over, bright enough to break through the drone of tires on road. The house is silent. The street is silent. I might feel better if I do something.
Woke up to a downpour yesterday, and when I turned on my phone, found a text from a friend saying she'd be late picking me up. I'd thought she was out of town, so it was a welcome message. Also, I'd woken up late. We made it for the last part of the rehearsal, I got relegated to alto, hopefully, not an on-going thing: I can't sing that low on a regular basis. Spent the afternoon running errands; last minute Christmas gifts, and looking for anything to shorten the length of this (now day 6) annual virus I've managed to catch. Last night definitely the worst, horrific headache, and I kept waking myself up gasping for breath, and drenched in sweat. I think it's just a bad cold.
I'd planned on making biscotti, but now have to wait until I'm better. And using up leftovers to make hash (before going up to visit my family), but have so far only managed to make, and drink, a cup of tea, and brush my teeth. I need to go pick up a car in an hour. And do laundry. And run a couple more errands, before an early rehearsal and service for Christmas Eve. I just want to sleep.
The traffic is steady and loud, like a distant river, or wind through a wood. I can hear one chirp of a bird a couple houses over, bright enough to break through the drone of tires on road. The house is silent. The street is silent. I might feel better if I do something.
Tuesday, December 4, 2018
For fun
Here's a metal version of a Finnish Christmas song we are also singing (we don't sing the metal version.)
Tulkoon Joulu as performed by the Finnish band Raskasta Joulua.
Tulkoon Joulu as performed by the Finnish band Raskasta Joulua.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2s_QgMCW9ks
Something and nothing
The sun's out. (The heat's out at work, but at least it's bright.) Three weeks until Christmas (so I keep hearing.) The man across the aisle from me on the bus was loaded down with bags last night, looking at a store flier for sales. I found something sweet about it. I went to pay a bill before rehearsal, and kept thinking I was running late, but ended up being 20 minutes early; had the start time wrong in my head. We have four gigs this week, though I'm only doing two: Nordic Choir Concert, and Finnish Independence Day Dinner/Dance.
Finding I had a free evening last Friday, decided to catch a bus down to Renton to check out "Ivar's Clam Lights" at Gene Coulon Park. Figured out the correct bus, though unclear on where proper stop was; missed it. Walked back toward the lake, in the promised rain. Followed a couple of people who looked like they knew where they were going, it got me in the general direction. I found it in the end. There was a choir singing, people eating clam chowder under the shelters, but no lights. I walked out to the pier and wandered. I have a vague memory of going to the park when I was in college in the late 80's, but only the one time, and haven't been back since. Around 7 pm, someone made an announcement that they'd turn the lights on early (because of the rain? Not sure, it was pouring.) So that happened, and I wandered around for awhile looking at the lights, the way they reflected on the water, getting soaked. Someone had lit a fire in one of the shelters, people huddled around the provided warmth, and cheeriness. In the back of my mind I was wondering how the heck I was going to get back home (I had directions, but they didn't really make sense to me. Perhaps if it was daylight and I could see the street signs, it would have been more clear.)
Walking out of the park, the thwack of windshield wipers of the idling cars waiting for their turn to exit keeping me company. At the first bus stop, saw a bus heading toward the airport, jumped on it, recognizing nothing outside the windows, but knowing how to get home from there. The road outside was lightly traveled, we made good time. Looking for food, (it was late, I hadn't really eaten) settled for a donut and a hot chocolate, the woman at the cart mistaking me for a boy. The flavor in my mouth being of a dirty deep fat fryer. The airport empty, save one line checking in for departures. An announcement of a final boarding call to San Francisco. The bustle and loneliness of travel, the suspension of time, the in-between worlds. I walked on.
Back out in the cold and wet of the light rail station, wet footprints lead away from the platform, socks maybe, but no shoes. Recent, but I didn't see the source.
On the train, the intercom announcing the stations had them backwards. The young men across the aisle started to get up to leave, but we were 20 minutes from their destination, and hurtling along in between stops, at that. Eventually, a live voice came on, announcing the actual stops, but the lateness of the hour, and the emptiness of the car, made it all disorienting. It took two hours to get home.
Went to visit the reindeer at a garden shop on Saturday. When the woman asked if anyone wanted to feed them, I jumped at it. I suppose it was supposed to be for kids, but they weren't coming forward, it's not like I pushed them out of the way. I fed it a raisin, it nosed at my hand. Cute critters.
Spent the rest of the night baking a ham I'd originally bought for Thanksgiving, but then got invited to a friend's family dinner, so hadn't gotten around to doing anything with it. Have never made one before; turned out well. Made beans (from dried), and sauteed greens to eat along with it. Felt very much like an adult; I rarely eat a fully balanced meal on a plate at home.
Sunday's rehearsal/tutorial went well. I had earlier found an emotional substitution, but couldn't connect with it while we worked the scene. We were both stronger on voice. The feedback and blocking directions were helpful. We just need to rehearse, and I need to do more character work. Our last class/presentation is this week.
Finding I had a free evening last Friday, decided to catch a bus down to Renton to check out "Ivar's Clam Lights" at Gene Coulon Park. Figured out the correct bus, though unclear on where proper stop was; missed it. Walked back toward the lake, in the promised rain. Followed a couple of people who looked like they knew where they were going, it got me in the general direction. I found it in the end. There was a choir singing, people eating clam chowder under the shelters, but no lights. I walked out to the pier and wandered. I have a vague memory of going to the park when I was in college in the late 80's, but only the one time, and haven't been back since. Around 7 pm, someone made an announcement that they'd turn the lights on early (because of the rain? Not sure, it was pouring.) So that happened, and I wandered around for awhile looking at the lights, the way they reflected on the water, getting soaked. Someone had lit a fire in one of the shelters, people huddled around the provided warmth, and cheeriness. In the back of my mind I was wondering how the heck I was going to get back home (I had directions, but they didn't really make sense to me. Perhaps if it was daylight and I could see the street signs, it would have been more clear.)
Walking out of the park, the thwack of windshield wipers of the idling cars waiting for their turn to exit keeping me company. At the first bus stop, saw a bus heading toward the airport, jumped on it, recognizing nothing outside the windows, but knowing how to get home from there. The road outside was lightly traveled, we made good time. Looking for food, (it was late, I hadn't really eaten) settled for a donut and a hot chocolate, the woman at the cart mistaking me for a boy. The flavor in my mouth being of a dirty deep fat fryer. The airport empty, save one line checking in for departures. An announcement of a final boarding call to San Francisco. The bustle and loneliness of travel, the suspension of time, the in-between worlds. I walked on.
Back out in the cold and wet of the light rail station, wet footprints lead away from the platform, socks maybe, but no shoes. Recent, but I didn't see the source.
On the train, the intercom announcing the stations had them backwards. The young men across the aisle started to get up to leave, but we were 20 minutes from their destination, and hurtling along in between stops, at that. Eventually, a live voice came on, announcing the actual stops, but the lateness of the hour, and the emptiness of the car, made it all disorienting. It took two hours to get home.
Went to visit the reindeer at a garden shop on Saturday. When the woman asked if anyone wanted to feed them, I jumped at it. I suppose it was supposed to be for kids, but they weren't coming forward, it's not like I pushed them out of the way. I fed it a raisin, it nosed at my hand. Cute critters.
Spent the rest of the night baking a ham I'd originally bought for Thanksgiving, but then got invited to a friend's family dinner, so hadn't gotten around to doing anything with it. Have never made one before; turned out well. Made beans (from dried), and sauteed greens to eat along with it. Felt very much like an adult; I rarely eat a fully balanced meal on a plate at home.
Sunday's rehearsal/tutorial went well. I had earlier found an emotional substitution, but couldn't connect with it while we worked the scene. We were both stronger on voice. The feedback and blocking directions were helpful. We just need to rehearse, and I need to do more character work. Our last class/presentation is this week.
Saturday, November 3, 2018
Rainy, and Free, Satuday
Most of life is mundane: laundry, errands, cleaning, work, etc. I guess I've been waiting for inspiration, to have some eloquence of writing, but it doesn't arrive. And maybe I'm not eloquent, anyway.
It's raining now. Got a walk in earlier. Bumper crop of Amanitas under the birch and cedar trees. Crowds of parents and dogs and runners and friends; shouts and cheers in the distance, for some rowing event. A little while later the wind kicked up, boats and birds and flotsam all bobbing on the water.
Had errands to do. Started making a salad three hours ago, which led to a scouring of the fridge and cooking various items before they went bad (and lots of cleaning, and taking out the compost and garbage.) I haven't been home much, my good intentions haven't panned out. When I've been home, I've mostly just slept.
Anyway, made a curried apple salad (yogurt, celery needed to be used), and that turned out the best of everything; it's pretty tasty. (Apples, raisins, walnuts, celery, scallion, sheep yogurt, lemon juice, and curry powder.) Also, I decided to go off of sugar for a while, as of Halloween, so, the sweetness of the raisins was kinda' pleasant. The only thing I'm really craving is an eggnog latte, but that was more power-of-suggestion, because I read a news story that mentioned it yesterday.
Sauteed kale and garlic (kale been around all week.) And then made apple sauce because one of the apples I bought earlier today was unpleasantly mushy, which led to me finding more and more apples stowed here and there. Anyway, there's a lot of it, and I'm waiting for it to cool down so I can go pay a bill and get out of the house.
I thought I had to work today, but found out I had the day wrong, and so had a day with no "shoulds" attached to it.
Working on three scenes for acting class, all from "Kramer vs. Kramer" (Joanna and Ted). (Curiously, all of our scenes for the class are from movies, though one was a play first, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf".) I need to write out my script; I keep changing where Joanna's coming from, and my "wants" from last week are not necessarily relevant to where I'm at now. The stakes are super high, she's not the kind of woman that takes leaving her child lightly. In the first scene, I feel like the first half is like a check list you make for youself to check stuff off that you did, all the while knowing that even as it looks like you've accomplished something, you haven't done the ONE thing that you had to do. In this case, she's telling Ted that she's not taking Billy (their son) with her when she goes. And then when that comes out, she has to convince herself that he's better off without her. Because that's the choice: herself or her son? And she says that if she stays, she'll kill herself, so, her choice is to leave. (If you believe that the words are true for the character when they say them. And I do.) This is week four or five? I can't remember. Psychologically, logically, I understand it. Emotionally, I'm still trying to find how to get there. How I get there.
Still haven't figured that out.
It's raining now. Got a walk in earlier. Bumper crop of Amanitas under the birch and cedar trees. Crowds of parents and dogs and runners and friends; shouts and cheers in the distance, for some rowing event. A little while later the wind kicked up, boats and birds and flotsam all bobbing on the water.
Had errands to do. Started making a salad three hours ago, which led to a scouring of the fridge and cooking various items before they went bad (and lots of cleaning, and taking out the compost and garbage.) I haven't been home much, my good intentions haven't panned out. When I've been home, I've mostly just slept.
Anyway, made a curried apple salad (yogurt, celery needed to be used), and that turned out the best of everything; it's pretty tasty. (Apples, raisins, walnuts, celery, scallion, sheep yogurt, lemon juice, and curry powder.) Also, I decided to go off of sugar for a while, as of Halloween, so, the sweetness of the raisins was kinda' pleasant. The only thing I'm really craving is an eggnog latte, but that was more power-of-suggestion, because I read a news story that mentioned it yesterday.
Sauteed kale and garlic (kale been around all week.) And then made apple sauce because one of the apples I bought earlier today was unpleasantly mushy, which led to me finding more and more apples stowed here and there. Anyway, there's a lot of it, and I'm waiting for it to cool down so I can go pay a bill and get out of the house.
I thought I had to work today, but found out I had the day wrong, and so had a day with no "shoulds" attached to it.
Working on three scenes for acting class, all from "Kramer vs. Kramer" (Joanna and Ted). (Curiously, all of our scenes for the class are from movies, though one was a play first, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf".) I need to write out my script; I keep changing where Joanna's coming from, and my "wants" from last week are not necessarily relevant to where I'm at now. The stakes are super high, she's not the kind of woman that takes leaving her child lightly. In the first scene, I feel like the first half is like a check list you make for youself to check stuff off that you did, all the while knowing that even as it looks like you've accomplished something, you haven't done the ONE thing that you had to do. In this case, she's telling Ted that she's not taking Billy (their son) with her when she goes. And then when that comes out, she has to convince herself that he's better off without her. Because that's the choice: herself or her son? And she says that if she stays, she'll kill herself, so, her choice is to leave. (If you believe that the words are true for the character when they say them. And I do.) This is week four or five? I can't remember. Psychologically, logically, I understand it. Emotionally, I'm still trying to find how to get there. How I get there.
Still haven't figured that out.
Thursday, November 1, 2018
Transition
It was so dark this morning, I convinced myself my housemate had left earlier than normal and I didn't need to get up yet. When I finally did check the clock, it was long past the time I should've gotten up. Past the time to catch the bus to work. And so, I guess I won't mind the impending time change and afternoon darkness quite so much.
Mid-autumn. Scorpio season. Halloween and All Saints' Day. When people believed (believe?) the veil between this earthly life and whatever exists after death runs thin. And we touch or glimpse the unknown, the things we fear the most.
I was watching a video on YouTube about how we have a light and shadow side, as does everything, and if we don't address the shadow, it expresses itself anyway, and if we are able to look it squarely in the face, we can learn from it and be inspired; or at least become aware of why we do the things we do, behave the way we do, respond as we do, without necessarily wanting to. Understand more what has become ingrained behavior, and maybe decide it's not inevitable, we can change.
And the show from last weekend dealt with death. I go back and forth in my mind whether or not the character had already died and the conversation was in a holding place after death, where one lets go; or if she was hallucinating it all at a point before death, and dies in the end. Either way, there was a final transition of letting go at the very end.
Working on the show, and listening, experiencing what I could from the process and from backstage, didn't make me depressed. It made me feel super alive, and happy, and in love with the world, especially all the people involved. Someone said something about the going from two people to a crowd, and I can't remember what they said exactly, but there are two people, then the sensory deprivation, and beams of light that rise from the wings like sun (or a double sun, so that it washes away the darkness) and lights that twinkle like stars from the ceiling and a rising song, all before the HYPERCUT crowd (us) comes on stage...I don't know, the last couple of times I experienced that transition, the gentleness of it, like coming out of a long, dark tunnel, a long dark, night (out of the lonely dark, and into light and company) was so moving to me. That someone designed that: it was perfect. It made me cry. (Of course, then I got disoriented on one of my very last exits, smacking hard into one of the main performers-I apologized later. Hurt so bad, I missed my last entrance, standing in the wings in a daze. - Every transition happened in blackout.)
And what seemed like it had been longer than a week (barely a week), was suddenly over.
And it's on to the next thing. (And autumn shows us how to let go, and move on.) And I want that next thing. I live for this.
Mid-autumn. Scorpio season. Halloween and All Saints' Day. When people believed (believe?) the veil between this earthly life and whatever exists after death runs thin. And we touch or glimpse the unknown, the things we fear the most.
I was watching a video on YouTube about how we have a light and shadow side, as does everything, and if we don't address the shadow, it expresses itself anyway, and if we are able to look it squarely in the face, we can learn from it and be inspired; or at least become aware of why we do the things we do, behave the way we do, respond as we do, without necessarily wanting to. Understand more what has become ingrained behavior, and maybe decide it's not inevitable, we can change.
And the show from last weekend dealt with death. I go back and forth in my mind whether or not the character had already died and the conversation was in a holding place after death, where one lets go; or if she was hallucinating it all at a point before death, and dies in the end. Either way, there was a final transition of letting go at the very end.
Working on the show, and listening, experiencing what I could from the process and from backstage, didn't make me depressed. It made me feel super alive, and happy, and in love with the world, especially all the people involved. Someone said something about the going from two people to a crowd, and I can't remember what they said exactly, but there are two people, then the sensory deprivation, and beams of light that rise from the wings like sun (or a double sun, so that it washes away the darkness) and lights that twinkle like stars from the ceiling and a rising song, all before the HYPERCUT crowd (us) comes on stage...I don't know, the last couple of times I experienced that transition, the gentleness of it, like coming out of a long, dark tunnel, a long dark, night (out of the lonely dark, and into light and company) was so moving to me. That someone designed that: it was perfect. It made me cry. (Of course, then I got disoriented on one of my very last exits, smacking hard into one of the main performers-I apologized later. Hurt so bad, I missed my last entrance, standing in the wings in a daze. - Every transition happened in blackout.)
And what seemed like it had been longer than a week (barely a week), was suddenly over.
And it's on to the next thing. (And autumn shows us how to let go, and move on.) And I want that next thing. I live for this.
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