Life is good in the crevasses. Stayed away from the news most of Saturday, had long conversations about life with two of my housemates. Walked the lake. Worked the door at a show. It was this performance art piece mostly performed with a slide show and voice over, called "Oil Pressure Vibrator," by a woman who had made a decision to become a hermaphrodite. At some point in the journey, she decides to learn how to operate a piece of heavy machinery, the only woman in her classes. She passes the "driving" test on the third try (everyone failed the second test.) The last slide is a video clip of the machine in operation on the beach, and a woman made out of sand. She handles it with such grace and tenderness, as if it is an extension of her own body, but in the end destroys the woman in the sand. My takeaway from the performance was that I wanted to learn how to operate one of those machines, not for any sexual reasons, but because seeing it used in such a tactile way, rather than as a blunt object, was intriguing. The artist is Geumhyung Jeong from Korea. She's fascinating.
Breaking out in a teenage plague. I think it's the prednisone, I'm trying to wean myself off, but it's makes me feel weird, puffy in the face, heaviness in my chest. (It also helped with the pain, but I need to give my liver a break.)
Watched three hours of reality tv last night as distraction from the news. (My usual distraction is falling asleep to youtube, I'm trying to stop, I'm sure that's not a good thing to be doing.) I still wake up at three with my thoughts racing, unsure if I fall back asleep or not, if I do, it's not particularly restful.
Compassion isn't a weakness, and most religions call for it. Cracking open, and learning to love your neighbor, or at least get to know them, isn't gonna make the world come crashing to an end. If you always need someone for an enemy, once your defeat them, you will find another; you find what you are looking for. If you look for the worst, you will find it, and if you look for the best, you will find it. Fear can make you hate anyone, even those you once loved. Fear tighten up your world, love opens it. You always get to choose. That's your power. There is no "them" against any "us." Those who wish to gain or keep power, will find ways to keep us occupied fighting against one another, to distract us from their bigger game. They run off with the spoils, and we fight over crumbs, thinking we won.
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Friday, January 13, 2017
Friday
The birds seem to have broken out in song again this week. Perhaps it's the slow lengthening of the days, the minutes of daylight added to the morning. It's as if the sound had been turned back on, to fill a silence I hadn't noticed as emptiness.
Today is one of the last of the freezing mornings for a while. Hasn't been this cold in a few years. Last year, I think we had one freeze. Made for brilliant sunrises, and clear nights, a full moon, and the brightest Venus I can ever recall. So bright, I thought it must be a plane in the sky, or a light on a tower somewhere nearby. Brilliant skies, but no snow here.
Last night I tried to rush up to First Hill to meet a friend for a drink, thinking I could still make choir practice. Ran late, last minute things at work I had to deal with: a vendor came in late, a lock malfunctioned, etc., and my lack of paying attention to time, meant when I looked at the time, we'd been talking for almost two hours, and I was already late, and in the wrong part of town. We left, he walked me to my Downtown bus stop, via the scenic route. I first resisted, my cautious nature out in force in my head, but little by little, gave in to the route (I would never have taken it, and by myself, it wouldn't necessarily have been safe after dark). I would've walked on well-lit streets. We cut through various buildings, and a park, trees still lit with holiday lights, water frozen, or on the way to frozen. Buildings and stairwells generally deserted, but doors unlocked. There was a certain thrill and magic in it, nothing particularly subversive about it, but it was fun.
I told him later that my "20-year old" would've approved. My 40-something year old self has become cautious in ways I hadn't noticed. There isn't anything necessarily wrong with that, but the observation of it hit me pretty strong. And we change, sure, but sometimes it's so gradual. And is it just a compromise here and there, changing in increments to do the expected? And again that's not wrong, but I guess I'd a wished the choice to be more actively conscious; not just a change to blend in with what is acceptable in a generic sense.
And then is the magic magnified in sharing the experience with another human being, versus all the wonder one can experience on their own? (I mean I can recall road-trips gone wrong, in reality, that stand out as favorite memories because the experience was shared.)
And then I fell asleep with youtube running in the background, which got into my dreams, the voice of a card reader saying, "and this is your soulmate" and I was escaping a friend (who was causing herself trouble in the dream, finally done with the drama, myself) by accepting a ride with an acquaintance (one probably 20 years younger than I, in real life), and trying to get away from the voice, thinking, can't we just see where this goes (and in the dream, I was already seeing someone else). Why does everything have to be made bigger than what is already there? It's just an acquaintance. It's just ride home. It doesn't need to be more than that.
Today is one of the last of the freezing mornings for a while. Hasn't been this cold in a few years. Last year, I think we had one freeze. Made for brilliant sunrises, and clear nights, a full moon, and the brightest Venus I can ever recall. So bright, I thought it must be a plane in the sky, or a light on a tower somewhere nearby. Brilliant skies, but no snow here.
Last night I tried to rush up to First Hill to meet a friend for a drink, thinking I could still make choir practice. Ran late, last minute things at work I had to deal with: a vendor came in late, a lock malfunctioned, etc., and my lack of paying attention to time, meant when I looked at the time, we'd been talking for almost two hours, and I was already late, and in the wrong part of town. We left, he walked me to my Downtown bus stop, via the scenic route. I first resisted, my cautious nature out in force in my head, but little by little, gave in to the route (I would never have taken it, and by myself, it wouldn't necessarily have been safe after dark). I would've walked on well-lit streets. We cut through various buildings, and a park, trees still lit with holiday lights, water frozen, or on the way to frozen. Buildings and stairwells generally deserted, but doors unlocked. There was a certain thrill and magic in it, nothing particularly subversive about it, but it was fun.
I told him later that my "20-year old" would've approved. My 40-something year old self has become cautious in ways I hadn't noticed. There isn't anything necessarily wrong with that, but the observation of it hit me pretty strong. And we change, sure, but sometimes it's so gradual. And is it just a compromise here and there, changing in increments to do the expected? And again that's not wrong, but I guess I'd a wished the choice to be more actively conscious; not just a change to blend in with what is acceptable in a generic sense.
And then is the magic magnified in sharing the experience with another human being, versus all the wonder one can experience on their own? (I mean I can recall road-trips gone wrong, in reality, that stand out as favorite memories because the experience was shared.)
And then I fell asleep with youtube running in the background, which got into my dreams, the voice of a card reader saying, "and this is your soulmate" and I was escaping a friend (who was causing herself trouble in the dream, finally done with the drama, myself) by accepting a ride with an acquaintance (one probably 20 years younger than I, in real life), and trying to get away from the voice, thinking, can't we just see where this goes (and in the dream, I was already seeing someone else). Why does everything have to be made bigger than what is already there? It's just an acquaintance. It's just ride home. It doesn't need to be more than that.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Starting over
It's a new year (Happy New Year!), the sun is shining, and it's cold. I'm doing this thing today where I devote 15 minutes to one thing. Might only last for the day, might be a longer term thing...don't know, but I've been pretty scattered, and unmotivated. Finally was able to drag myself out of the house late yesterday for an early New Year's/birthday party, just as hail began to fall outside. I went to the bus stop anyway, rain poured, and snow was predicted, but we didn't get any. Lot's of black ice this morning, though, half-way down the front stairs, and grabbing the mailbox for support, I wondered to myself, "Is this a good idea?" Slipped a few times, and ran for a bus (bad idea with ice, did break two ribs falling on ice a few years ago, but catching it would mean less ice to slip on overall), and made it to the U-District in one piece. Now it's mostly melted.
The other thing I'd doing this month is a money fast, no eating out, no going out, or buying coffee, etc (though I do have to renew a couple of memberships). It'll help me see where I am mindlessly spending, and also, I'd still like to take a vacation this year, and will help save for that. There was another resolution somewhere in the back of my head, something about giving up sugar, or increasing the amount of vegetables I ate.
Part of the 15-minute thing is to re-learn both Finnish and Spanish. The Finnish will be harder as there is no translation in the textbook, and the words all look familiar...I must still have some notes, somewhere. That started because I wanted to remember how to say, "Happy New Year!" (Not in the book.) I had to look it up online, but my guess was close, just spelled wrong; and now my 15 minutes are up:
Hyvää uutta vuotta!
The other thing I'd doing this month is a money fast, no eating out, no going out, or buying coffee, etc (though I do have to renew a couple of memberships). It'll help me see where I am mindlessly spending, and also, I'd still like to take a vacation this year, and will help save for that. There was another resolution somewhere in the back of my head, something about giving up sugar, or increasing the amount of vegetables I ate.
Part of the 15-minute thing is to re-learn both Finnish and Spanish. The Finnish will be harder as there is no translation in the textbook, and the words all look familiar...I must still have some notes, somewhere. That started because I wanted to remember how to say, "Happy New Year!" (Not in the book.) I had to look it up online, but my guess was close, just spelled wrong; and now my 15 minutes are up:
Hyvää uutta vuotta!
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