Friday

The birds seem to have broken out in song again this week.  Perhaps it's the slow lengthening of the days, the minutes of daylight added to the morning.  It's as if the sound had been turned back on, to fill a silence I hadn't noticed as emptiness.

Today is one of  the last of the freezing mornings for a while.  Hasn't been this cold in a few years.  Last year, I think we had one freeze.  Made for brilliant sunrises, and clear nights, a full moon, and the brightest Venus I can ever recall.  So bright, I thought it must be a plane in the sky, or a light on a tower somewhere nearby.  Brilliant skies, but no snow here.

Last night I tried to rush up to First Hill to meet a friend for a drink, thinking I could still make choir practice.  Ran late, last minute things at work I had to deal with: a vendor came in late, a lock malfunctioned, etc., and my lack of paying attention to time, meant when I looked at the time, we'd been talking for almost two hours, and I was already late, and in the wrong part of town.  We left, he walked me to my Downtown bus stop, via the scenic route.  I first resisted, my cautious nature out in force in my head, but little by little, gave in to the route (I would never have taken it, and by myself, it wouldn't necessarily have been safe after dark).  I would've walked on well-lit streets.  We cut through various buildings, and a park, trees still lit with holiday lights, water frozen, or on the way to frozen.  Buildings and stairwells generally deserted, but doors unlocked.  There was a certain thrill and magic in it, nothing particularly subversive about it, but it was fun.

I told him later that my "20-year old" would've approved.  My 40-something year old self has become cautious in ways I hadn't noticed.  There isn't anything necessarily wrong with that, but the observation of it hit me pretty strong.  And we change, sure, but sometimes it's so gradual.  And is it just a compromise here and there, changing in increments to do the expected?  And again that's not wrong, but I guess I'd a wished the choice to be more actively conscious; not just a change to blend in with what is acceptable in a generic sense.

And then is the magic magnified in sharing the experience with another human being, versus all the wonder one can experience on their own?  (I mean I can recall road-trips gone wrong, in reality, that stand out as favorite memories because the experience was shared.)

And then I fell asleep with youtube running in the background, which got into my dreams, the voice of a card reader saying, "and this is your soulmate" and I was escaping a friend (who was causing herself trouble in the dream, finally done with the drama, myself) by accepting a ride with an acquaintance (one probably 20 years younger than I, in real life), and trying to get away from the voice, thinking, can't we just see where this goes (and in the dream, I was already seeing someone else).  Why does everything have to be made bigger than what is already there?  It's just an acquaintance.  It's just ride home.  It doesn't need to be more than that.

Middle of the week

Woke up (late) from a dream where someone told me they had been wrong about me (poisoned by someone else's words, sounds like a Jane Austen story) and things seemed to be going well and later in the dream, the last I saw of him, he was chasing after my sister arguing with her about what exactly the blood test was...was it the most accurate one (was it a "metabolic panel?" He asked that.  I really did have a blood draw yesterday, but not that one.)  A petty argument, but he cared enough to chase after her.  Sucks.  Just a dream.  Everything finally going in one direction, until it suddenly changes.  (Took notes for Meisner work though, because it's useful, though perhaps only depressing, not quite "life altering.")  Or maybe I just actually need that blood test?  Hmmm.

Was kinda' bummed out when I woke up, though couldn't dwell on it because I was late, and the birds were singing outside, and the sky was light, and I managed to catch the bus in the nick of time, and the sun was rising over the buildings and lighting the cherry trees as I passed through...so, I'm fine again.  A million reasons to let go, but still go back to the neutral set point of yes.  And I will let go eventually, only not today.  And then there is this:

The love you receive will be among your greatest treasures. This is just one more of many reasons why you ought not to waste your time in a relationship that is not reciprocal enough to meet your needs.

(It's from Holiday Mathis, Capricorn.  I like them because they make me think, not because they predict anything.)  And then it's raining again, rain predicted for days.

I didn't upload any pictures last night.  Went to a discussion on art and community and what's working, what's not, what we'd like to see more/less of, etc.  It was a good discussion, a lot of time spent on color-blind casting, and I brought up the building the audience for that, and any work outside of the "norm."  I guess I'll look in the archived message boards for what has been discussed before.  People are starting to look more familiar to me, and several people said they thought I'd been in theatre a while and that I seemed really confident.  I mention that because 1) I don't hear that that much; 2) on my way there I was reading a book about introvert leadership; and 3) aside from the catering and taking classes, well and singing, I've only really been actively involved in anything since January.  Guess it was a good night.  But I fell asleep on the bus on the way home (barely 9 pm) and was too exhausted to do anything but sleep when I got home.

The characters

Of course, "Johnny" is telling "Frankie" he wants to marry her and have a bunch of kids on the first date, which is waaaay too much, way too soon, that would definitely be a red flag if you had abuse or abandonment issues in your past. I was referring to further along in the relationship, not the very start when you're just getting to know someone, see if you like each other, if you are compatible. Then, after thinking about that, I fell asleep and dreamt about an environmental engineering firm tour.  Nothing to do with any of that, accept an old friend of mine was in it, and I had heard a conversation about how the legislature is distributing funds to higher education, the whole STEM thing, 'cos again, god forbid, we value a well-rounded educational system. Yes, there are jobs there, but not everyone should be going into those fields, and there is definitely value in the arts and humanities and language and cultural studies. It's so short-sighted to only value education with a dollar sign attached to it. So much talent, and other expressions of intelligence, is pushed aside, devalued, and neglected in the process. While engineers do important work, societies do need other types of thinkers, creators, artists, workers, etc, to actually function.

Sunday morning

Robin singing, at a distance now. I think the morning song is slightly different than the evening one. Maybe I should record it.

Keeping my fingers crossed that we can get the editing software to work correctly, I could only get a 90 minute room reservation because everything is booked up today, all projects are probably due this week. It's the last week of the quarter. Still have to write, do, the voice-over.

I dreamt I had rented a room somewhere in Idaho, and if that didn't work out I was gonna go to Salt Lake City. Then as I was finishing packing up, I realized that I had neither given notice where I had been living, nor actually told anyone at the place in Idaho that I was moving in (though, there must have been some agreement: I had already moved stuff in.) I also hadn't actually told anyone, except perhaps my mother, I think she rode in the car with me, and I was trying to figure out how and when to do that. I was leaving that night, it appeared to be winter. An anxiety dream? I think it involved cheaper rent or something.

Late now

Didn't feel well when I woke up, so let myself fall back asleep. Woke myself up from a dream that began in a coffee shop turned restaurant/bar, where I was having a discussion with the cool chick across the table about the merits of this place before and after. Apparently, I liked it much better now, better coffee, better hours, serves good food...she went on about how it was better at some previous point, I really couldn't follow, and I started to doubt my own opinion because even though I had lived here, and gone here for years, somehow she stated her opinion with such disdain, I wasn't comfortable with my own. Too cool for school. Then I realized I was late for rehearsal, so I ran to the theatre, and other students/actors? were milling from the lobby to the theatre, so I ran and got my stuff. When I walked in, everyone had divided into groups for what I thought was a warm up. I started to head toward the smaller group, where I knew people, but got waved over to the other. Something about each having a pitch to hold and do something with, and I thought I could fake it 'til I figured it out, even though now there were more than 8 people, and I didn't know my pitch (for an eight tone scale.) So we start, and I can't figure it out, and then suddenly one of the female actors/students, is in a spotlight, done up like a 60's british, pop star and singing flawlessly, a song I've never heard before, completely off book. And I think, "how did I miss all this in 2 minutes?" In way over my head.  (And now it's late. I need to go to library and then meet friends for Smash Putt Golf http://www.smashputt.com/).