(Good) Friday

Time passes so fast.  Looking at a picture, seems recent, but it was already six months ago, a warmish October afternoon, sun glaring on the water, birds aggressively begging for bread, a boy cautiously peering down toward them, no bread in hand, the birds tense and ready to spring at the slightest offering.

Tonight, the moon so bright, soon an eclipse, though I don't know how visible here.

Earlier, sang at Good Friday service, probably my favorite service all year.  (Mostly) music I love, the one I haven't liked has been growing on me, I've tried to find things to like about it.  It's supposed to be meditative, and the words are beautiful, it's just very long.  We also sing a chant as the lights go completely out, and sing "Were You There" from the balcony, acapella, in the dark.  There are many moments of total silence.  My favorite piece of music to sing, Ave Verum Corpus, is sung on Good Friday.  Overall, I think it's seven readings (from arrest to crucifixion) and nine pieces of music, lights go off after each section, and everyone leaves in the dark.

And in all that contemplation and somberness, I had a clown moment.  I came home to get my music and change into black clothing, and ran out the door to catch a bus.  I did take my jacket off while we rehearsed.  One of the other sopranos fixed my tag that was sticking out.  But right before the service, I was trying to put a tissue in my pocket, and I couldn't locate a pocket.  And I thought, "Weird, I could swear this dress had pockets."  I made a joke about putting it on backward or inside-out, and the women on either side of me, said that it wasn't either.  When I got home, I looked at the dress in the mirror, trying to figure out why I couldn't find the pockets.  I even lifted it up to look underneath...no pockets on the sides.  Then I looked in the mirror again, and realized I somehow managed to put the dress on sideways...how is that even possible?  The straps were somehow still crossing in the back and one over each shoulder.  At least I haven't completely lost my mind, there are pockets, just happened to be at the front and the back tonight.  Been a bit spacey today.

Been reading Small Victories, by Anne Lamott, and It's Not You, by Sara Eckel.  Both, in a way, dealing with forgiveness and acceptance.  The latter seeming like irreverent dating advice, but in the end, refuting that idea that if you are single you must have some glaring fault you have to fix first.  And it is refreshing to hear once again, that you don't have to be perfect first.  No one is.  Those people who are not single, are also not perfect.  Not that you can't change if you want, but how many times have you heard "You're not ready." "You're too independent." "You need to love yourself more." "You're too needy." "You need to work on yourself." etc.  No more than anyone else.  You are good enough already.  You are as much worthy of love as anyone else.  And then Lamott dealing with forgiveness, especially self-forgiveness.  For all the bad choices that you made; for loving too much, or not enough; for silence, for lack of silence; for treating yourself poorly; for playing the martyr; for trying to solve everything; for walking away or for staying; for loving those who treated you badly, and running away from those who didn't; for wanting things you couldn't have; for holding out hope; for anything else: you don't have to pay penance forever, crawling on your knees through the desert.  You can get up now, and live.  It's enough. (You've done enough.  You are enough.)

Good Friday

Singing tonight music I love, especially Mozart's Ave Verum Corpus. We have a cellist and an oboeist (sp?) playing with us which sound awesome in the space, and make the really long song more interesting. (We sang it Sunday as well, without them, and my mind was wandering all over the place, which doesn't usually happen when I sing.) And then I'll need to write the scholarship application, it's due Monday. Still feeling ambivalent about the trip: 1) both my parents are having surgery this month; 2) I seem to have forgotten all the Finnish that I know since spring break started, and; 3) I'm still sick. Although for the last reason, maybe I'd feel better with a change of scenery. My RA doctor tried to find a different, older asthma medicine to see if it would be cheaper. It was more expensive (because you needed to take more, so had to buy more, I think.) $155. The nurse gave me a website for help with medicine you can't pay for. So, I'll look into that. But, back to Finland, 1) going and doing an immersion course would help with the bilingual goal; 2) it would be nice to see Riikka again; and 3) it's pretty much paid for (tuition, books, housing) if you get into the program, I would just need to come up with travel money (really expensive to fly there) and food, etc.

The housemate moved out yesterday, though by the time I got home from supper and rehearsal, he was sitting in the living room drinking beer with another housemate and watching basketball highlights (to check on his bracket, I guess.) Then he took a shower and went back to the other house. He left the super comfortable Ikea wooden-recliner-type chair, which is cool. The couch is kinda' gross.