(Good) Friday

Time passes so fast.  Looking at a picture, seems recent, but it was already six months ago, a warmish October afternoon, sun glaring on the water, birds aggressively begging for bread, a boy cautiously peering down toward them, no bread in hand, the birds tense and ready to spring at the slightest offering.

Tonight, the moon so bright, soon an eclipse, though I don't know how visible here.

Earlier, sang at Good Friday service, probably my favorite service all year.  (Mostly) music I love, the one I haven't liked has been growing on me, I've tried to find things to like about it.  It's supposed to be meditative, and the words are beautiful, it's just very long.  We also sing a chant as the lights go completely out, and sing "Were You There" from the balcony, acapella, in the dark.  There are many moments of total silence.  My favorite piece of music to sing, Ave Verum Corpus, is sung on Good Friday.  Overall, I think it's seven readings (from arrest to crucifixion) and nine pieces of music, lights go off after each section, and everyone leaves in the dark.

And in all that contemplation and somberness, I had a clown moment.  I came home to get my music and change into black clothing, and ran out the door to catch a bus.  I did take my jacket off while we rehearsed.  One of the other sopranos fixed my tag that was sticking out.  But right before the service, I was trying to put a tissue in my pocket, and I couldn't locate a pocket.  And I thought, "Weird, I could swear this dress had pockets."  I made a joke about putting it on backward or inside-out, and the women on either side of me, said that it wasn't either.  When I got home, I looked at the dress in the mirror, trying to figure out why I couldn't find the pockets.  I even lifted it up to look underneath...no pockets on the sides.  Then I looked in the mirror again, and realized I somehow managed to put the dress on sideways...how is that even possible?  The straps were somehow still crossing in the back and one over each shoulder.  At least I haven't completely lost my mind, there are pockets, just happened to be at the front and the back tonight.  Been a bit spacey today.

Been reading Small Victories, by Anne Lamott, and It's Not You, by Sara Eckel.  Both, in a way, dealing with forgiveness and acceptance.  The latter seeming like irreverent dating advice, but in the end, refuting that idea that if you are single you must have some glaring fault you have to fix first.  And it is refreshing to hear once again, that you don't have to be perfect first.  No one is.  Those people who are not single, are also not perfect.  Not that you can't change if you want, but how many times have you heard "You're not ready." "You're too independent." "You need to love yourself more." "You're too needy." "You need to work on yourself." etc.  No more than anyone else.  You are good enough already.  You are as much worthy of love as anyone else.  And then Lamott dealing with forgiveness, especially self-forgiveness.  For all the bad choices that you made; for loving too much, or not enough; for silence, for lack of silence; for treating yourself poorly; for playing the martyr; for trying to solve everything; for walking away or for staying; for loving those who treated you badly, and running away from those who didn't; for wanting things you couldn't have; for holding out hope; for anything else: you don't have to pay penance forever, crawling on your knees through the desert.  You can get up now, and live.  It's enough. (You've done enough.  You are enough.)

Sunday

Checking Out the Scene, March 22/L Herlevi 2015

Just got home from one of the Ambassador Project shows at On the Boards, James Holt's Prelude and Untitled.  http://www.ontheboards.org/special-events/otb-ambassador-event-prelude-and-untitled The first was about a half-hour long wash of dissonant sound, produced by around 30 musicians.  I believe they met for the first time shortly before the performance.  There was no musical score (for the performers), instead, they all wore some form of headphones and each received their notes via their smart phone.  The musicians were spread throughout the lobby, the audience was encouraged to move around the space while the music played, most people did.

It reminded me of the sound of an orchestra tuning before a performance, in a good way (with a changing chord running through it.)  Got lost in it.  This would be a good soundtrack for either meditation, or writing, for me.  I found myself on the floor, almost under the piano, by the end of the first piece, and that felt like that perfect spot to listen to the second one (I ended up in the middle of the sound), piano, pizzicato strings, and percussive instruments.  A fantastic way to spend an hour on a Sunday.  Loved, loved, loved, loved, loved it.

Beautiful Toilet, March 22/L Herlevi 2015

Earlier in the afternoon, I went to a benefit performance of Leonard Bernstein's Mass.  I enjoyed it, though I wanted the choirs to be a little louder, they got lost under the sound of the orchestra and in the shape of the room.  I've never heard it live before.  (Photo is because when I asked if there was a bathroom, this one was pointed out to me with the added comment that it was "beautiful."  It is quite lovely.)

Be Here Now, March 22/L Herlevi 2015

Last night I went to this shorts program at Theatre off Jackson that was part of a solo festival.  They were quite good, as well.  Creative, interesting, physically, well done.  The last piece was a staged reading, and while the writing was good, and interesting, and the performer was good, I found myself wishing it were as performance ready as the others.  I'm all for staged readings, but was left wondering if there were not other short solo pieces that could have been performed in it's place.  C'est la vie.

At any rate, I found myself inspired to write, but also tired.  Had an idea as I got on the bus and thought I could wait to write it down until I got home:  Nope!  I've been so exhausted, that by the time the bus had gone a few blocks, I could no longer remember.  Still can't remember.

I'm trying to come up with another solo/duet piece (two-person?), plus something for the next clown showcase, which we need to both book and create 45 minutes of material for.  It will probably be in June, but that's still pretty soon.

I should sleep.

Blur

Feel like I've been going just on muscle memory lately.  If I didn't think too hard about the music tonight, I could sing it, if I tried to make sense of it, I got lost...we had a lot of new music to go through and some of it was challenging (Britten, for one, couldn't tell you what the rest of it was, everything is a blur.)  Also, I keep getting second, and I like singing first, I like the high notes, but I suppose it's good for my brain to find the notes for the second part.  I stayed late at work to lock up after a meeting, and then went to pick up my mail (been trying to get there for over a month) and was early back to rehearsal, so went and had some coffee nearby until the doors were unlocked.  I ordered an eggnog latte, and while it tasted good, I couldn't taste the eggnog, and I was trying to figure out what the sweet/bitterness was, I knew I recognized it, but couldn't put my finger on it.  Much later I figured out that what I was tasting was a darn good pull of espresso, which then made me realize that I haven't had a good cup of coffee (or espresso) in a really long time.  That man knew what he was doing.

We only have two more rehearsals before Christmas...I feel like it was just Halloween, time just flying by.  When I come up for air enough, I force myself to walk through the decorated parts of town.  I enjoy the season, but I feel so unconnected to it right now.  It makes me happy to look at the lights and the trees and listen to the music, but then I forget again.  It's been a crazy year.  The folk choir has two events over the next two Saturdays, but they decided to give us Monday night off...unexpected, and I'm grateful: we have to present our scenes for class the next night.

Gonna go to a show tomorrow night, but aside from all that, my brain is blocking out any other commitments.  Overwhelmed, again...my memory and problems solving ability seems to just shut down, just to basic survival things.  Curious.  It's supposed to be really cold tomorrow night, it was already going to be cold (in the low 20's), but now predicted to be windy as well.  That'll be fun.  Need to remember to wear enough, it was my face and toes that felt the brunt of the chill last night.

Memorization.  And Christmas music time.

Friday night, an act of habit in trying to find something to say

Went to one of the free shows tonight, ate dinner with friends there. It was warm, the falling light was a warm pinkish glow, the music was good, and there was a big, happy mass of humanity. Later there was an art show projected onto the fountain, but it wasn't quite dark enough for it when we were leaving. It'll play one more time. (It reminds me of when I was a kid and we'd go camping in the North Cascades and drive to Newhalem at dusk to walk the trails and look at the "colorful waterfalls," as we called them. They had pointed colored lights on the trails and the waterfalls. I still stop there if I'm in the vicinity. It's where the North Cascade Highway closes for the winter; on the west side.) I like how many people play in the fountain, getting soaked or just sit around on the edge and watch it, while music plays. They were letting the water blast out like a cannon in random sequence. It all makes me happy. Summers are why people live here. (January and February are gloomy, dark and rough, unless you ski and there's snow.)

Right now I'm finding it easier to connect without words, but need to integrate all this movement and clown stuff with someone else's words and directions and make it real for me. It'll be easier off book. Maybe it would help if I figured out what the story arc is without the words. I don't think we will work our scene tomorrow, but I should be ready anyway.  We need to run it more, we have more blocking than most of the other scenes.

Meeting with a bunch of clowns on Sunday, but not sure what we are doing. We want to try to keep the momentum going. Something was definitely starting to happen, and you have to keep working, practicing. I've fallen off a lot of the Movement stuff, there are a few things I do most of the time, but I'm not practicing much of the balancing exercises anymore. I make excuses because I'm tired or my hand hurts, but those were true before and I practiced then anyway. I've fallen off almost all of  the voice stuff, mostly because the ENT doc told me not to do anything. I'll try to remember this fall, or take the class again. I'm slightly braver.

Watching doors shut, slightly demoralized, but they weren't the right ones. They need to shut. In the book Art and Fear they comment on the idea that if you chase two rabbits, you catch neither. I don't even want to chase rabbits. I can't endlessly keep my options open, at some point I have to decide and act on that. Let it fail if it will, but if you never enter the battle, you might always be safe, but you never get to know what it is to win outright. I need to let myself win, or go down fightin'.

Saturday-No Plans

On a day without plans, one can never tell where you will go. Went to the march, met a friend, ended up at Folklife http://www.nwfolklife.org/festival/, then tried to find somewhere to buy tickets to SIFF http://www.siff.net/. I sat on the curb outside the theatre thumbing through the guide trying to figure out if there was anything I wanted to see during any of my free time and while sitting there someone walked up to me and asked if I wanted a free ticket so I said yes. It was to a documentary called Harana which I think translates to Serenade, about a dying courtship ritual in the Philipines where a man would court a woman by showing up outside her window with his friends and play/sing love songs until her parents let them inside the house. It was enlightening, charming and beautiful. It was one of the producers that gave me the ticket, I thanked her again after the screening and she said I looked like I needed to see a movie. So I did get a free ticket afterall.

Is that my next destination? I don't know...my grandfather, whom I know almost nothing about except that he was born in the late 1800's, was a musician and served in the US military, was from the Philipines. Over the past year, I've been having these interesing Filipino encounters, first an oral historian, then six months later I randomly ate dinner with her sister at a Greek festival, and now this. Travel works for me that way: encounters build up until I go. It's just a seed that's been planted now.

Then I went back to Folklife, went and got coffee because it was cold, and wandered back through stopping to listen to what turned out to be my two favorite acts of the day: the Sweet Lowdown from Victoria, BC and Science from Seattle. Sweet Lowdown was two woman, banjo and guitar, Science was two men, both guitarists, who did a rockin' version of Eleanor Rigby. It began to rain, the air filled with the ozony raindrops-on-pavement smell. Started to leave again, but stopped to watched a juggling act and then stayed for part of a string-band's set. It was dark then, raining harder, wind picking up, half the audience dancing.  At the bus stop, a man asked me to waltz, I said I was uncoordinated (I am the woman who smacked her face into a doorjamb recently) so he handed me a button off of his jacket, and I jumped on the bus. Getting off the bus, someone made eye-contact and gave me the solidarity sign. I kinda' feel like I had been hibernating, (the cold, the lack of light?) and recently woke up and began ferociously gorging myself on life. When I looked at myself in the mirror when I got home, I was looking pretty scrappy.

Back to zero

to an even keel, the place music I like takes me (always.) I've thrown the idea of "back to zero" around for a while, and tonight I decided it meant being present, so not worrying about anything, or thinking about anything except where I am right now.  And the Billy Bragg show was awesome.  He's funny, a great musician, and he gives a damn. And with both he and  the opening act, especially the opening act, who was a solo act, I thought about the need to sing. The drive to make music, the compulsion of having to sing. That it doesn't even matter what your voice sounds like (and his voice is fine) but more the need to communicate something in song. It's so beautiful. And the other reason I feel at zero, is that if I can love one person, I can also love someone else (I might not want to, but it can be done.) And now as it's late and I'm inexplicably super cold, I'm going to bed...no late night ramblings.

Morning

It smells so clean outside. The air thick with clouds, golden-white light from the sunrise breaking through, and now the sun. The air near the entryway insists on smelling like roses even though there aren't any there. I'm thinking about the rambling post, might put it back up.  It's something I think about quite a bit but because I wrote it in the middle of the night, it got a bit convoluted. Also, I've (obviously) been unfiltered since no one had been reading this.

Here's another older Billy Bragg song, from Workers Playtime, She's Got a New Spell:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w39CusifulI

Film

Finally finished the roll of film in the camera and began to shoot a second. Woke up at 4 am with a wicked headache but didn't bother to get up and take anything for it until 5:30. I always do this, they almost never go away on their own. Still have it, though not unbearably so. We get to sing the very difficult Estonian song in rehearsal tonight. It's energizing and the sopranos always end up in giggles because it is so difficult to sing. There's a long 16th note section near the end that I practiced in a corner in the Chicago airport for a couple of hours, but still can't get in it's entirety when we sing it altogether. We haven't sung it since Finland. I need to put all of my music in a central place (so I can find it when I need it.) I will say that a lot of the music is easier now that I've been studying Finnish, since the pronunciations are easier for me, except for the Estonian song, on that one, not only am I having trouble keeping up matching the words with the rythym, but I found out tonight that I'm probably pronouncing the vowels wrong. We have about a month until we sing it publicly.

Presidents' Day

I think there are plum trees, and hellebores and crocuses blooming now.  Got most of the homework done, but not the essay or the room descriptions, nor did I practice balancing outside. I'll post a picture of the chicken I was pet-sitting shortly, and the cat.

Managed to sing out of my belly last night.  It was nice having the accompanist (?), I have a lot to think about.  I need to find a copy of the script/score/libretto.  I don't want to watch someone else's version, so I don't want to rent the movie. Although, I did watch part of the song on youtube, but it was totally out of context.  I need to see what the location was script wise. I was just trying to find a motivation for the character based on the words, but of course, this is an acting class, so context matters.  Only 3 weeks left.  I really should have chosen a song in a higher octave, I can sing this, and I find the character interesting, and I was trying to give my throat a break, but in the end, I am a soprano, and this song could be an alto.  (I don't know how to love him-Jesus Christ Superstar.) It's also pretty old.  In the future, I think I'd like to try doing Defying Gravity  from Wicked.  Only three weeks left for both classes (I think.) Sigh. What will I do with my free weekends?

Incidentally, I don't know how the crow (Spot) knew I was home today. Sat outside cawing.  Eventually, it jumped onto the eave and looked at me through the window. I fed it some leftovers, it invited friends and suddenly I had a yard full of crows.  (And a cleaner fridge....need to put out the garbage and get to choir rehearsal now.)