Later

Rough night, emotionally.  Task was to play drums for a funeral, which when I thought of it, I felt like it was something I wanted to do, but with the added circumstance, and who knows why else, it came across as something I "had" to do (like someone else was making assumptions about, and decisions for, me) and so didn't work.  Plus, I guess I was robotic, which my partner actually called me on...I'm being the damned dutiful daughter.  I need to figure out how to let that go; when will it ever be this safe again?  And then of course after feedback I was asking Robin about it, and then I started to cry, more admissions of things, and then I was just a wreck.  Still am a little bit.  Person B gets to decide the relationship because Person B's circumstance is directly related to Person A.  She suggested I do a revenge fantasy or let myself be a brat...just all makes me feel so out of control, like I'll go there and won't be able to get out of it.  Maybe that's just an unfounded fear.  (There was the experience of singing class last winter which still frightens me.)  Only one way to find out.  Anyway, I'm B first.  Only two more rounds and then scene work.  Don't feel ready for it.  I don't want to hold my partner back.  Feeling like a sociopath while doing the exercises (for lack of reaction on my part) is getting old. I totally react as soon as I'm off the stage, and also when I'm watching other people.  What's getting in the way?

Sunday

Trying not to talk about what's mostly on my mind, but the words surrounding that space are so few. I'm being serenaded to the day by bird song and rain, and tires on wet pavement. I don't know what this bird is, one long note quickly followed by three short ones...oh and now the geese are calling too. I'm not singing for now, so I'm not late for rehearsal. I had to make a decision with a conflicting class, and chose the class, it conflicts with rehearsals every quarter.  I can't do anything about this now...let go, let go, let go.

Cleaning. Cooking. Studying. Friends.

And on a different note, how much of ourselves can we lose and still feel whole? What parts of us do we need for our own identity? (And the parsley's growing like gangbusters...what to do with it?)

I am trying to be better at staying in contact. I don't know what to say so I don't call or write and the time passes and it seems like I've waited too long, not that I don't care, I do care. I'm just super-introverted and it's a struggle.