Futility lingers like smoke

shoving hope into the outer reaches of the room.  The feeling remains, less today than last night, but it's still there, and a panic below the surface that I won't find an affordable/comfortable/safe place to live before the end of the month (and yeah, I know, it's only the 6th.  I just want to set this, so I can put my energy into other things, I also need to do.)  The ones I had been in contact with all seem to have fallen through, so: start over.

I'll probably feel better if I get some of the homework done, or started really.  I'm overwhelmed, there's just a lot that has to get done.  And that makes me panic, and feel trapped.  I pretty much just stop, and freeze in place.  And I know I need to act, to do something, anything, to get out of it.  And I will.  I'm just panicking.  Just a step in a new direction.

I woke up at 3 am, thinking I'd heard knocking on a door.  Still don't know if I imagined it, but I lay there trying not to make any sound and reaching for pepper spray.  Coulda' just been a dream, I don't know.  Couldn't go back to sleep.  Worked on my monologues (silently), and re-started my meditation practice that had fallen off recently (past few months.)  Actually managed to stay awake for all of it:)  Looking for an oracle to show me some light.  And the thing is, I want to walk into something good, a better situation, rather than just run away from a bad one.  (And I guess what I'd looked at weren't the right ones...but does it always need to be right in the nick of time?  Can't these things work out early?)  There is a difference.  I want my life to get better.  And even though I feel like if I don't fight it constantly, I slide back into the same rut, I have to believe that life will work out, that because I'm not the same person I was even last year, because I've changed, the world I'm inhabiting is different.  As we change, our worlds change around us.  It comes down to a matter of trust (you'd think I'd have learned this life lesson by now...but I get this one quite a bit, even had a miracle-or ten-around this, and it's still a struggle.)  But there it is.  Again.

Later.  Oh, wow, as they say "Ask and you shall receive."  Okay.  Now I'm only feeling cranky because of low blood sugar and cabin fever (feel this way every Sunday, always better when there's class in the evening or something) but no longer panicky.  Guess I'll keep cleaning, it feels like getting something moving.  I have a ridiculous amount of books.

I usually am wishing to be busier

The word "no" really needs to become a regular participant in my vocabulary. I am booked just about every night this week, and I need to work on this theatre stuff. There is a coffee shop that opens around six am near a bus stop, maybe I'll go there tomorrow before work. Just not where I need to be with any of this. If I get a seat on the southbound bus, I can read...but I need to write, and I still haven't found the book. (Which means I need to write more, because I'll have to construct my own monologue from the text. I don't think it will be difficult, just take extra time to piece it together.)

Later. Bus was packed. My friend found me a seat, but no reading. Sat around at Rocco's in Belltown hoping to meet up with a friend in town from Portland. No luck. Ran into some theatre people I know, and I got a bunch of writing done. Someone offered to run lines with me, but I needed to get to a meeting. Ate this garlic cheese bread with pesto (the pesto was fabulous), and now I really want to brush my teeth. Had this cucumber/rosewater drink...amazing aroma. Left to catch a bus to meeting. Got someone to drive me home, the moon was rising pale orange through wispy bluish clouds, half hidden. Now it's more pale yellow and you can see the whole thing. Must actually be full tonight. Looking down at the city, all the buildings glistened in a hard, greenish silver light against a darkening blue sky, pink clouds strewed across the higher sky. Warm. A gorgeous summer night.

I've got the general background written. If this is as far as I get, I can work with it, but I'd like to get more specific, things that never come up, but are part of being a person. Told person that drove me home about the show. He said he might be interested in seeing it. I'm getting better at this (letting people know what's going on, inviting them into my life.)

Peace. I'm going for round three in trying to watch this Marx Brothers movie. I keep falling asleep, not a testament to anything accept a bit of narcoleptic-tendencies on my part.