Futility lingers like smoke

shoving hope into the outer reaches of the room.  The feeling remains, less today than last night, but it's still there, and a panic below the surface that I won't find an affordable/comfortable/safe place to live before the end of the month (and yeah, I know, it's only the 6th.  I just want to set this, so I can put my energy into other things, I also need to do.)  The ones I had been in contact with all seem to have fallen through, so: start over.

I'll probably feel better if I get some of the homework done, or started really.  I'm overwhelmed, there's just a lot that has to get done.  And that makes me panic, and feel trapped.  I pretty much just stop, and freeze in place.  And I know I need to act, to do something, anything, to get out of it.  And I will.  I'm just panicking.  Just a step in a new direction.

I woke up at 3 am, thinking I'd heard knocking on a door.  Still don't know if I imagined it, but I lay there trying not to make any sound and reaching for pepper spray.  Coulda' just been a dream, I don't know.  Couldn't go back to sleep.  Worked on my monologues (silently), and re-started my meditation practice that had fallen off recently (past few months.)  Actually managed to stay awake for all of it:)  Looking for an oracle to show me some light.  And the thing is, I want to walk into something good, a better situation, rather than just run away from a bad one.  (And I guess what I'd looked at weren't the right ones...but does it always need to be right in the nick of time?  Can't these things work out early?)  There is a difference.  I want my life to get better.  And even though I feel like if I don't fight it constantly, I slide back into the same rut, I have to believe that life will work out, that because I'm not the same person I was even last year, because I've changed, the world I'm inhabiting is different.  As we change, our worlds change around us.  It comes down to a matter of trust (you'd think I'd have learned this life lesson by now...but I get this one quite a bit, even had a miracle-or ten-around this, and it's still a struggle.)  But there it is.  Again.

Later.  Oh, wow, as they say "Ask and you shall receive."  Okay.  Now I'm only feeling cranky because of low blood sugar and cabin fever (feel this way every Sunday, always better when there's class in the evening or something) but no longer panicky.  Guess I'll keep cleaning, it feels like getting something moving.  I have a ridiculous amount of books.