Only Five Days

to pull all of this together: the $100,000,000 assignment (which essentially is written), the list of "Spoon River Anthology" characters we want to do; a two minute oration on something we give a damn about; a new exercise, which includes a very specific assigned relationship + secret, so we'll have to figure out what that is, and do chair work, and he has the physical task, I have the emotional task, "extreme, with an element of truth, just happened or just found out, life altering"...and I guess we don't live together if I have to knock.  And always, be ready to sing something.

I was too mundane (again) I don't let myself fantasize, I'm not letting myself dream big.  These are supposed to be huge.  Like I don't even know what that would be...I guess I believe this is all I get and I should be happy that I have that (I get told this all the effing time! "Well, it could be worse." "You're lucky you have this." "Sounds like a first world problem.")  Am I not allowed to want a better life?  Are we only here to keep ourselves small?  Who does that serve?  What is the meaning of life?  Is it only to avoid suffering?  If no one ever dreams, nothing gets better....why can't I be the one to dream?  Are we so fearful that we need to keep knocking each other down until we know our place in the mud; that we learn to censor our thoughts and our dreams in order to keep negative attention away until we cease to dream or believe in a better life?  Is the point of art to rise above the mundane?  Is the point of life to rise above what is?

And so this again (might be Marianne Williamson, might be Nelson Mandela.)

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightening about shrinking so that others won't feel small around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God within us. That is not just some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. And as we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others. " - Nelson Mandela.

How do we begin to be liberated?  How do we begin to dream again?  Or at least, how do I?

(Camera batteries are dead, pictures to follow.)

Words Tolkien to Shakespeare

(Does anyone else have "One ring to rule the world..." go through their head when they see the new Google log in?  Maybe it's just me.  Happens every time.)

The sun is shining, blue skies and golden leaves; the daily soundtrack is rockin', still...I'm restless.  Now the light is fading and the thin strips of cloud, scuttle quickly southward, as if running away.  They hold the remaining daylight, and take it with them, leaving me below, with dullness and shadow.  It's even a (very full) long weekend...still, I'm restless.  I feel like I'm waiting for something to arrive, but not sure what that is.

What I'm afraid of is that I'll be seen as not putting in enough effort and be asked to drop the class at the end of the quarter.  And I want to stay.  I want to get better.  And I think I am, but...that's what stresses me out.  (That and that I'm not "perfect"...but if  I was, I wouldn't need to be here, and I'd be bored.) So, there's that.

There's a responsibility (in art) to explore the full human condition from depravity to glory, and to do it honestly. That, in itself is exciting.  It makes me want to make bolder choices, blow out the kernel of truth that must exist at the center of it all.  It's all just noisy pomp and circumstance, things made of vapor, easily brushed away without heart, without truth.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day

To the last syllable of recorded time,

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools

The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more. It is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing. - Shakespeare- from the Scottish play

 

So much work yet (always, always, always) to do.

 

Hyvää viikkonloppua!

 

Off to vacuum and a Mongolian event.

Friday-Shine

Another quote because I like to be reminded of this and he says it so well.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightening about shrinking so that others won't feel small around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God within us. That is not just some of us, it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we unconsiously give other people permission to do the same. And as we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others. " - Nelson Mandela.

Be the light you were born to be. It's not selfish. We all have something about us that is needed in the world and if we don't fully become ourselves, if we try to be what we believe someone else wants us to be, what we believe we "should" be, the gift that is us is lost, never given. Be you.

I was joking with someone last weekend about how we "control" the spontaneity and creativity and openness in children so thoroughly, to force them into a societal mold (some of which is necessary to function in a society), that we then have to spend our whole adult lives trying to get back to it.