Back to it

Back to the sobering reality of every-day life: everyone is dressed in practical black, ready for business.  I've been feeling like I had too many days off, just feel like I won't remember how to come back; doesn't really make sense, but how I've been feeling.  I don't tend to feel this way after vacations, I think not having a schedule of any kind threw me off.  Guess I like a little bit of structure in my life.

In five days, the view to the sky has opened up more, like returning to some place I haven't quite been before, having to become reacquainted.

Earlier, I got a bit of a sucker punch.  I later realized in might have in part been my own fault: my stress levels have been high, have been inundated with emails, and might not have responded the most important time, after responding to a request five or six times (over multiple sources of input) over the past few months...I lacked the attention span to read to the bottom of a longish email.  Been happening a lot.  I might have missed out regardless, but my lack of response didn't help.  Sigh.  (I can't keep track anymore, four months was a long time to follow a spec over multiple threads on multiple media.  It was regarding a job lead.)

Feeling unsettled, in general.  Not sure what it is I could do to change that.  And I don't know where I want to be.  I need to focus on something, but I feel like I'm being batted at from all sides, and maybe that's a distraction so that I don't end up doing anything at all, trying to get a clear view to see what's what.  What to trust.  Who to trust.  Wanting to believe words, but not seeing clearly what lies behind them.  And I'm all in for altruism, but it has been at the expense of helping everyone else move forward without my moving forward, and I think I need to find a better balance.

And then the moments of serenity and unexpected connection, for which I'm grateful for before sliding back into chaos.

A friend of mine passed along a book on the Spanish Civil War to me, because of Catalonia; he'd just read it for a book group.  And I'm also reading two books about trees ("The Songs of Trees," by David George Haskell, and "The Hidden Life of TREES," by Peter Wohlleben), a book about animals also by Wohlleben, and a Co-Dependency book.  The long-form writing actually helps with my attention span, so I get some break from my high-keyed state.

I should just get through every thing I possibly can do, probably cut back on the caffeine.  (And take a another media fast:  Humanity, you're leaving me heartbroken.)

Too much stress

So stressed-out right now, feel like all of my energy is bound up in my head and my chest ready to shoot out of my mouth at any moment. Will be so glad when this week is over. Deep breathing, not helping.  Pre-emptively apologizing to people in my vicinity, and trying very hard to control myself outwardly. Did get the voice-over written and recorded, and my classmate completely understood my stress, which is a relief: she wouldn't have taken it personally, like I don't take hers personally. That's a nice place to arrive at. (But I'm still high-strung right now.  Maybe I should go sit against a big tree, or in a forest.) Have dealt with garbage, paying rent, kitchen was cleaned up, sink was repaired, old tv hauled away, lawn mowed...now the last painful phone call to get thru due to communication planets being misaligned for me last week. Need to face up to it and get it over with.

Last night in Finland/L Herlevi 2012

(Late evening, at a lake outside Helsinki, watching the sun's fire extinguish one more time, before leaving for home. July 2012.)

When I walk outside, the sun is warm, and a flock of swallows sweeps between the buildings, sensed only by their chirping, reverberating against the stone. Then. Silence.