And with the wave of a hand

Well, just was informed that I no longer have a role that I was cast in a few weeks ago.  Was offered a smaller role instead, but I haven't answered yet.  (Or I can accept the promised pay for the role and just walk away, an offer I do appreciate, as the commitment was for Jan-Mar, and I've had to show up for casting calls on short notice, when I had other commitments already promised.  Also, I appreciate the integrity of the offer of the pay.)  Taking the smaller role would show that I do want to work, and there's integrity in that, and experience, I guess.  One of the other actors originally cast, was also downgraded to a smaller role (actually, if I accept it, we'd be in the same scene, one that was added in a rewrite.)  Mostly, getting the part made me feel legitimate, like I was doing something right, and now, I sorta' feel like a fraud, because for all the training I've done, I have nothing to show for it, really.  Also, I understood the role, the character's circumstance, but not how to balance the tension between two contrasting sets of direction, so what I ended up doing, didn't end up fulfilling either.  I shoulda' just made a strong choice and gone for it, (what John calls being "director-proof") but I didn't, I think I ended up too much in my head and immobilized.  Any action being better than none.  (And when are you ever ready?  Maybe it was too much of a role for me, maybe the smaller role is a better start?)

And the thing is, I wasn't really expecting to get cast when I originally read for it, I wanted the experience, but maybe the original call needed to be wider, so that more people were seen before a final decision was made?  I get you want the right person for the role, and that maybe I wasn't it...I had that happen in a former job (actually, more than once) where my boss offered a position to me, but the other bosses gave it to someone else, and I only found out about it when it was formally announced that the other person had accepted that position.  At least I was told before it was announced, this time.  But why the rush?  Something to keep in mind when I'm in the position of making those decisions.  (I have been in that position before, for other things, but it was a larger group decision.)  Again, from their side, they want the right person, but from my side, it makes trust harder, as if nothing is ever solid, that at any moment, the rug can be pulled away.  And yet, I suppose that's the case, as much as I want some sense of permanence, something solid, something sure, perhaps there is no such thing.  Learn what you can, and move along.

And somehow between this, and singing commitments, the acting class, the hot water and heat going out at the house during the cold snap, and a last-minute project at work, I finally am able to come up for air, and it's a week until Christmas.  Time flies.

I should re-read the script, and since I can't afford to do the acting class when it starts up again in a couple of weeks, maybe I'll book monologue coaching time.  Lots of stuff I could audition for, but don't have a monologue in a good place yet.  I think it's worth it, the changes I've seen in my classmates have been remarkable, some of the best monologues I've seen done.

Life is full of disappointment.  Maybe it means I suck, but maybe I don't.

Now it is raining

I feel like a gate just opened.  All these things that had been said or thought, conversations I've had, things that have been in a holding pattern, that I didn't expect to actually go anywhere, are coming to fruition, for better or worse.  It's both cool, and overwhelming; I'm happy and scared at the same time.  I'm trying to let it be and not push back (which is my tendency.)  I need to clear my head.  I don't know how many of these to follow, or which ones.  But things feel like they want to change...I hope I have the courage to let them.

Some of those need to start being about performing, for me.  I need to make more of an effort and follow-up on things.