Stuff

I drink too much coffee.  I don't sleep enough.  I'm bad with money, I eat out a lot, I buy books, I give it away.  I know I have bills I still need to pay, and I know someday I might retire.  I go to church.  I'm a liberal.  I'm a feminist.  I think there is value in asking questions, being comfortable with uncertainty, by facing fears, and being curious, and being willing to be wrong, and to change.  I'm not entirely sure where my spiritual/religious beliefs stand, but I feel like my church has space for that. I'm not overly concerned about what happens to me after I die, (I'm here now, can I make the world around me a little brighter while I'm alive?) and am attracted to the teachings of Christ (the whole love thing.)  I love singing, and sing in a folk choir and a church choir, the first because I feel a sense of community (and they believe in me), the second because the music is diverse and challenging (even if I sometimes feel invisible). I'm an actor, a singer, done other performance (clown, solo, spoken word, etc), a mostly decent cook (make it up as I go along, so can't really repeat anything), a photographer, gardener by default (I like digging in the dirt, sometimes things grow in a manner that makes them edible), sometimes writer, naturalist, trekker, traveler.  I am super disorganized in any sorta' traditional sense, though somehow it all comes together in my head.  I'm better at idea generation than follow-thru.  I'm scattered.  I tend toward running late, I am easily distracted.  I hate talking on the phone, but love talking in person.  I love grocery shopping, and whenever I travel somewhere new, I figure out the transportation system and I wander around the grocery store/market.  My teen years were rough, 'til about 22 or so.  I've been suicidal, but that was a while ago.  I've been assaulted (after the worst of which, had serious PTSD.)  I've been emotionally abused, and lost my shit.  I had serious body-image issues when I was younger.  Things felt like crisis mode until somewhere in my 30's (other people's crisis, boundaries or something), and then I could finally breath.  I didn't drink until I was 21, and drank too much, but I suppose that's what you do when you are young.  I was in theatre.  We looked out for each other.  We took keys away, slept on floors and couches.  If I had to choose one group (job type) to be around for the rest of my life, I would choose actors and/or theatre folk.  I am coming to terms with art being my calling, even if it isn't seen as "responsible" or "worthy" (Get a "real" job. You need a "real" career.)  I was talking to my housemate (who has now started taking her first acting class at Freehold!) about taking classes to get in Med School at one point and not being able to make myself take any more chemistry classes, it's not that I couldn't do it, but something in me didn't want to, I just kept putting it off, and taking more and more art classes, and auditioning for random shows and being awful at it...and at some point you wake up and think, "Where the hell is my heart?"  (It took me a long time to figure out what to do with my life.  I don't have a "career."  I got tired of being treated as "stupid" or "less than" because I didn't go to grad school.  Also, I went to community college because that's what I could afford, before transferring to a four-year school.)  She didn't end up at Med School either.  We both thought we wanted to feel "useful" somehow (through external eyes), you know, "help" people, go to disaster zones, refugee camps and be of use (and there are other ways to do that.  There are groups of clowns going into those places now, providing a little more normalcy in stressful situation.  A little levity.  And that's worthy.)  And then I was saying to her how whenever I was going through a tough time in life it was art or music or poetry or writing or a movie or something that got me through it, and how is that not worthy?  You know, it is.  Why am I saying all this?  I'm tired of secrets.