Home again

I'm in a half-space, half back in this reality, half back in the one I left, the one without an importance of status, or time, the one of openness to the other, the one that says, "Good morning," to every passing face (or tree or ant or whatever.)  I don't want to lose the latter, but it feels too exposed and unwelcome.  A place without a phone, and with the exception of a tv in a bar (usually on futbol, or a game show, or an emerging scandal), and foreign-language newspapers, no contact with the "outside" world.

My body still in another time zone, but I wake up with the light (2 hours earlier here) and get up rather than linger.  Yesterday, arrived at work almost an hour early, because I just got up and started walking, thinking something would be open for food, nothing but Starbucks, and I had no food in the house.  And letting things go, letting myself not be responsible for everyone else.  Not everything needs to happen right now.

I need to sleep, found ants crawling across my bed, which made me feel itchy, and I was too tired to figure out where they'd come from: we'd never had issues with them in the house before.

I can feel the pain in my hands returning slowly.  Had no real RA symptoms while I traveled.  Took for granted being able to use my hands.  Something to think about: was it the sun? the dryness? the lack of stress? the lack of technology? the constant movement? the food? the new germs to contend with? (I ate potatoes like they were going out of style, and I can't do that here.)  What made the difference?  Can I replicate it here?

So, much silence, I could hear the thoughts that race through my head and run my day...so many small anxieties, adding up to dysfunction.  Someone told me to just focus on one thing to change, and if I fail, to try again tomorrow...every day, until I get it right.