Well, the vote happened, and it passed. We are now in unchartered land, and I suppose a shake-up will be good in the end...as someone said, "Sometimes you have to say 'Yes' and trust." And of course, now that it's happened, I'm not anxious about any further outcome: the door to the past is shut, and the possibilities entangled with that outcome are gone. Have been wrestling with the related anxiety for months.
Worked a concierge shift for the film festival on Saturday night. It ended earlier than slated, and my driver drove me home, so that saved the cab fare. It had been a sunny day, so I didn't think to bring a rain jacket when I left to catch the bus, but halfway to Downtown, a downpour hit, and if anything, it just kept raining harder. I was drenched from the four blocks of walking by the time I got to the hotel lobby, looking like a drowned rat to check-in for my shift. Luckily, the bathrooms had real towels. Luckily, I could get out of it, some people had no place to shelter.
Went to this museum event after work on Friday, and a matinee of a play on Sunday, so no gardening done. At least it rained, so, if the plants haven't been devoured by slugs, they should still be growing. I'll be there a lot this week. I can't believe it's already almost Memorial Day weekend, feel like we just had our last holiday, and were talking about how long until the next one was...three-and-a-half months ago.
Have a staged reading coming up, and will probably audition for this other upcoming performance piece. And look into tap classes for the summer.
And need to make the time to figure out/write down for myself what I actually believe, want out of life, give myself an anchor. And decide if my day-to-day life is really what I want and if it's working for me, and if I chose it, or fell into a groove and stayed on auto-pilot. Maybe there's more. Finding out is care of self, too.
Monday, May 21, 2018
Thursday, May 17, 2018
Empty Space
Been on a cleaning binge. Started at home because my landlord mentioned he was stopping by to do a safety inspection, and that included rooms, and my room was a disaster. Then I was thinking I'd really like to get a bag of documents shredded, and happened to see something on facebook for a free shredding event in my neighborhood, so lugged them there, and got rid of that. And then clothes I don't wear, and clothes that are beyond repair. And I've been clearing out stuff at work for a remodel, and that got picked up this week...all the open space is making me feel more free, and I'm enjoying being home more (minus the ant infestation. The landlord put out traps, but the heat has made them increase in spite of that. It's gross.)
And I went out to dinner with a friend, we were going to talk about this oral history project (though I haven't had the energy to think much about it, been overextended for most of the year), but ended up talking about a vote that's coming up, and then I told him a couple of things I haven't wanted to admit to anyone, but he seemed like he might be receptive to hearing them, and I needed to say them to someone...get the secrets to not be secrets; release the weight of them. To let go of the shame of what drove some choices I've made; shame of how I've let others treat me.
And in multiple, major, areas of my life, things will change, that's inevitable both in the general sense, but now in the specific. I think I'll accept the change, but is it just my stubborness that's resisting? What am I afraid of losing, exactly? I haven't made the time to think about it, and now that moment to decide has arrived, on timelines decided by others. Why am I so resistant? (Had conversations with two friends tonight about it. I really don't like change, but I also know we'll cease to exist if we don't do something different, possibly something radical. And the opportunity is here.)
Enjoy every moment for what it is. We can never get it back again. How much time is it that we think we have to squander? The only certainty is right now.
And I went out to dinner with a friend, we were going to talk about this oral history project (though I haven't had the energy to think much about it, been overextended for most of the year), but ended up talking about a vote that's coming up, and then I told him a couple of things I haven't wanted to admit to anyone, but he seemed like he might be receptive to hearing them, and I needed to say them to someone...get the secrets to not be secrets; release the weight of them. To let go of the shame of what drove some choices I've made; shame of how I've let others treat me.
And in multiple, major, areas of my life, things will change, that's inevitable both in the general sense, but now in the specific. I think I'll accept the change, but is it just my stubborness that's resisting? What am I afraid of losing, exactly? I haven't made the time to think about it, and now that moment to decide has arrived, on timelines decided by others. Why am I so resistant? (Had conversations with two friends tonight about it. I really don't like change, but I also know we'll cease to exist if we don't do something different, possibly something radical. And the opportunity is here.)
Enjoy every moment for what it is. We can never get it back again. How much time is it that we think we have to squander? The only certainty is right now.
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
Tuesday
If any stars aligned, they were surely tricksters. Maybe "soul mates" are people that force you to grow into who you were meant to be.
The sun rises now a little after 5 am. The robin (maybe more than one, but the nearest one was quite dominant) begins it's song around 3, it loudly echos in the dark. Other, more chatter-y birds, joined in for a while, closer to the house. I woke up every hour last night, the room too hot to stay asleep. Fell back asleep instead of getting up at 5:30, and woke up again, after 7 am, late, with lingering film in my mind from last dream, that may or may not have involved a mass kidnapping, never did figure it out, but there was a cult-like figure in charge, and I was making plans for escape.
Went to water late, waiting for the sun to drop behind the trees. A bunch of kids came tearing through the garden playing "tag" in the fading light. The heat and the laughter made me believe it was actually summer, but it's still spring, and a school night at that.
Later, 9-ish, walking out of the house to write, (and find some cooler air) and read up on what I'm supposed to be doing as a site leader, I found all the cafes closed early. Crossed to the park, stopped by an opening of the trees to watch several bats darting over the lake, the first of the season for me. The air is full now of insects in the evenings, more than I've ever seen here. The water smelt like raw sewage, but I stood for a while anyway and watched the bats. Walked back up toward the house, and stopped at the pub to write, because it was open, and always is rather cold inside. Ordered soup (because it was the least expensive thing on the menu) and wrote.
I know I have my faults too, for one thing, I'm stubborn, and I have a hard time letting go of hurts and bridging the gap to make amends. (Though, once cleared, I won't tend to bring them up again, unless it becomes a continual pattern. And forgiveness sometimes includes walking away.) And I'm not the woman I hope to be, but I can see glimpses of that now, which is hopeful. At any rate, it wasn't all bad, and I don't mean to imply it was, there were some moments of real connection and deep conversation, and some support, and sometimes fun, and he could be really generous, just not in the way I needed (time, connection, communication, affection), and not often enough, and when we didn't connect and didn't try, it was painful; and I don't have the energy or desire to deal with mind-fuckery right now (whether actually intentional, resulting from cluelessness, or only received/perceived by me as such because of my own insecurities or baggage, or a combination of the three-the latter of which would call for self-examination for sure. And was it a sabotage of yourself, of me, or just a passive way of pushing me away?) Does any of that matter now? I need to take care of myself for a while. (For nine months though, I chose you every day. You rarely chose me.)
The sun rises now a little after 5 am. The robin (maybe more than one, but the nearest one was quite dominant) begins it's song around 3, it loudly echos in the dark. Other, more chatter-y birds, joined in for a while, closer to the house. I woke up every hour last night, the room too hot to stay asleep. Fell back asleep instead of getting up at 5:30, and woke up again, after 7 am, late, with lingering film in my mind from last dream, that may or may not have involved a mass kidnapping, never did figure it out, but there was a cult-like figure in charge, and I was making plans for escape.
Went to water late, waiting for the sun to drop behind the trees. A bunch of kids came tearing through the garden playing "tag" in the fading light. The heat and the laughter made me believe it was actually summer, but it's still spring, and a school night at that.
Later, 9-ish, walking out of the house to write, (and find some cooler air) and read up on what I'm supposed to be doing as a site leader, I found all the cafes closed early. Crossed to the park, stopped by an opening of the trees to watch several bats darting over the lake, the first of the season for me. The air is full now of insects in the evenings, more than I've ever seen here. The water smelt like raw sewage, but I stood for a while anyway and watched the bats. Walked back up toward the house, and stopped at the pub to write, because it was open, and always is rather cold inside. Ordered soup (because it was the least expensive thing on the menu) and wrote.
I know I have my faults too, for one thing, I'm stubborn, and I have a hard time letting go of hurts and bridging the gap to make amends. (Though, once cleared, I won't tend to bring them up again, unless it becomes a continual pattern. And forgiveness sometimes includes walking away.) And I'm not the woman I hope to be, but I can see glimpses of that now, which is hopeful. At any rate, it wasn't all bad, and I don't mean to imply it was, there were some moments of real connection and deep conversation, and some support, and sometimes fun, and he could be really generous, just not in the way I needed (time, connection, communication, affection), and not often enough, and when we didn't connect and didn't try, it was painful; and I don't have the energy or desire to deal with mind-fuckery right now (whether actually intentional, resulting from cluelessness, or only received/perceived by me as such because of my own insecurities or baggage, or a combination of the three-the latter of which would call for self-examination for sure. And was it a sabotage of yourself, of me, or just a passive way of pushing me away?) Does any of that matter now? I need to take care of myself for a while. (For nine months though, I chose you every day. You rarely chose me.)
Sunday, May 13, 2018
Where things are
We are having a heatwave. The attic is sweltering. I've got 1/6 of my garden planted, I was going to do more today, but I have to figure out where to put all the trailing plants (squash, melon, cucumber...in the garden, my optimism remains intact), and decide if I want to grow anything else. I started some seeds a few weeks back, but I didn't have anything to mark them with, so, I'll need to look up the leaves to see what's what (and at the seed packets to remember what I even planted.)
Hung out with some former Meisner classmates last night. It was good, had some real conversations, people asked how I was, and I think they really meant it. Anyway, late in the evening, I was laughing so hard I was crying (I had accidently rubbed sunscreen into my eyes, so that added to the watering). I don't remember the last time I've laughed that hard...I don't remember the last time I really laughed much. I haven't felt consistantly good in a long time, more a series of highs and lows, with short stints of an even keel (defined here as "good")...I like the even keel. I want more of it. I've been describing myself as "like an addict." And it's not fulfilling for me. I can't go on like this. But how do I let go of something that doesn't exist? Month after month without clarity. (And what was ever in it for him?) At any rate, I need to take care of myself. I haven't been. I've been holding my breath, waiting for something external to be solid. Maybe nothing ever is.
I have learned some things about myself, I've grown a lot and I'm grateful for that. If anything, I've learned to appreciate myself more. Love myself more. (And I do love him, but that's not enough) and I am tired of being sad. Tired of feeling invisible. Tired of aching, the lack of connection, the withholding, the feeling like a "duty." (Feeling like time spent with me was something checked off a list because you had to. Why then? Asking me to be there, then pushing me away when I get there. Saying you enjoy time with me, but acting as if you can't wait for me to leave. Checking your phone, for the better offer that negates our time.) Tired of thinking things will get better, of believing in "promises" (statements of intent?) and being disappointed in that when I trust in what was said, and it's suddenly pulled away (and that is my own fault, I know, but where are we without trust in what we say to one another? How can you build any type of relationship without that basic grounding of trust? Words are just sounds if they aren't true after you speak them. Or write them. Without trust we're all adrift with every whim, without any direction or anchor.) Tired of being last. Tired of scraps (and how willingly I grab at them because something is better than nothing. So also tired of my own lack of healthy boundaries. Hearing about how good you've been to other people. Other people are worth the good, and I get the bad because you've been hurt by someone else?) Tired of vagueness, the non relationship. Tired of not being worth honesty, feeling that it's not safe. Tired of not being seen, not seen as having worth in me, the person in front of you. Tired of secrecy, the squirrellyness. Tired of my own insecurities. Tired of poor communication (on both sides). Tired of a lack of affection or warmth or genuine interest in me. Tired of feeling dirty and untouchable. Tired of settling for less than I want, and tired of believing that this is how life will always be, and that I should be happy for any attention at all, that mutuality is only for other people. Tired of believing in a carrot that I follow into a future that will never happen. Someday. Was going to. Next time. We should. In the future, a future that only exists in the words as they are spoken. And maybe they are true in that moment, but they never become reality. And I keep following them. Believing them. Until they dissolve back into the air. And you're standing there saying it's time to go.
Hung out with some former Meisner classmates last night. It was good, had some real conversations, people asked how I was, and I think they really meant it. Anyway, late in the evening, I was laughing so hard I was crying (I had accidently rubbed sunscreen into my eyes, so that added to the watering). I don't remember the last time I've laughed that hard...I don't remember the last time I really laughed much. I haven't felt consistantly good in a long time, more a series of highs and lows, with short stints of an even keel (defined here as "good")...I like the even keel. I want more of it. I've been describing myself as "like an addict." And it's not fulfilling for me. I can't go on like this. But how do I let go of something that doesn't exist? Month after month without clarity. (And what was ever in it for him?) At any rate, I need to take care of myself. I haven't been. I've been holding my breath, waiting for something external to be solid. Maybe nothing ever is.
I have learned some things about myself, I've grown a lot and I'm grateful for that. If anything, I've learned to appreciate myself more. Love myself more. (And I do love him, but that's not enough) and I am tired of being sad. Tired of feeling invisible. Tired of aching, the lack of connection, the withholding, the feeling like a "duty." (Feeling like time spent with me was something checked off a list because you had to. Why then? Asking me to be there, then pushing me away when I get there. Saying you enjoy time with me, but acting as if you can't wait for me to leave. Checking your phone, for the better offer that negates our time.) Tired of thinking things will get better, of believing in "promises" (statements of intent?) and being disappointed in that when I trust in what was said, and it's suddenly pulled away (and that is my own fault, I know, but where are we without trust in what we say to one another? How can you build any type of relationship without that basic grounding of trust? Words are just sounds if they aren't true after you speak them. Or write them. Without trust we're all adrift with every whim, without any direction or anchor.) Tired of being last. Tired of scraps (and how willingly I grab at them because something is better than nothing. So also tired of my own lack of healthy boundaries. Hearing about how good you've been to other people. Other people are worth the good, and I get the bad because you've been hurt by someone else?) Tired of vagueness, the non relationship. Tired of not being worth honesty, feeling that it's not safe. Tired of not being seen, not seen as having worth in me, the person in front of you. Tired of secrecy, the squirrellyness. Tired of my own insecurities. Tired of poor communication (on both sides). Tired of a lack of affection or warmth or genuine interest in me. Tired of feeling dirty and untouchable. Tired of settling for less than I want, and tired of believing that this is how life will always be, and that I should be happy for any attention at all, that mutuality is only for other people. Tired of believing in a carrot that I follow into a future that will never happen. Someday. Was going to. Next time. We should. In the future, a future that only exists in the words as they are spoken. And maybe they are true in that moment, but they never become reality. And I keep following them. Believing them. Until they dissolve back into the air. And you're standing there saying it's time to go.
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