Empty Space

Been on a cleaning binge.  Started at home because my landlord mentioned he was stopping by to do a safety inspection, and that included rooms, and my room was a disaster.  Then I was thinking I'd really like to get a bag of documents shredded, and happened to see something on facebook for a free shredding event in my neighborhood, so lugged them there, and got rid of that.  And then clothes I don't wear, and clothes that are beyond repair.  And I've been clearing out stuff at work for a remodel, and that got picked up this week...all the open space is making me feel more free, and I'm enjoying being home more (minus the ant infestation.  The landlord put out traps, but the heat has made them increase in spite of that.  It's gross.)

And I went out to dinner with a friend, we were going to talk about this oral history project (though I haven't had the energy to think much about it, been overextended for most of the year), but ended up talking about a vote that's coming up, and then I told him a couple of things I haven't wanted to admit to anyone, but he seemed like he might be receptive to hearing them, and I needed to say them to someone...get the secrets to not be secrets; release the weight of them.  To let go of the shame of what drove some choices I've made; shame of how I've let others treat me.

And in multiple, major, areas of my life, things will change, that's inevitable both in the general sense, but now in the specific.  I think I'll accept the change, but is it just my stubborness that's resisting?  What am I afraid of losing, exactly?  I haven't made the time to think about it, and now that moment to decide has arrived, on timelines decided by others.  Why am I so resistant?  (Had conversations with two friends tonight about it.  I really don't like change, but I also know we'll cease to exist if we don't do something different, possibly something radical.  And the opportunity is here.)

Enjoy every moment for what it is.  We can never get it back again.  How much time is it that we think we have to squander?  The only certainty is right now.