Where things are

We are having a heatwave.  The attic is sweltering.  I've got 1/6 of my garden planted, I was going to do more today, but I have to figure out where to put all the trailing plants (squash, melon, cucumber...in the garden, my optimism remains intact), and decide if I want to grow anything else.  I started some seeds a few weeks back, but I didn't have anything to mark them with, so, I'll need to look up the leaves to see what's what (and at the seed packets to remember what I even planted.)

Hung out with some former Meisner classmates last night.  It was good, had some real conversations, people asked how I was, and I think they really meant it.  Anyway, late in the evening, I was laughing so hard I was crying (I had accidently rubbed sunscreen into my eyes, so that added to the watering).  I don't remember the last time I've laughed that hard...I don't remember the last time I really laughed much.  I haven't felt consistantly good in a long time, more a series of highs and lows, with short stints of an even keel (defined here as "good")...I like the even keel.  I want more of it.  I've been describing myself as "like an addict."  And it's not fulfilling for me.  I can't go on like this.  But how do I let go of something that doesn't exist?  Month after month without clarity. (And what was ever in it for him?)  At any rate, I need to take care of myself.  I haven't been.  I've been holding my breath, waiting for something external to be solid.  Maybe nothing ever is.

I have learned some things about myself, I've grown a lot and I'm grateful for that.  If anything, I've learned to appreciate myself more.  Love myself more.  (And I do love him, but that's not enough) and I am tired of being sad.  Tired of feeling invisible. Tired of aching, the lack of connection, the withholding, the feeling like a "duty."  (Feeling like time spent with me was something checked off a list because you had to.  Why then?  Asking me to be there, then pushing me away when I get there.  Saying you enjoy time with me, but acting as if you can't wait for me to leave.  Checking your phone, for the better offer that negates our time.)  Tired of thinking things will get better, of believing in "promises" (statements of intent?) and being disappointed in that when I trust in what was said, and it's suddenly pulled away (and that is my own fault, I know, but where are we without trust in what we say to one another?  How can you build any type of relationship without that basic grounding of trust?  Words are just sounds if they aren't true after you speak them.  Or  write them.  Without trust we're all adrift with every whim, without any direction or anchor.)  Tired of being last.  Tired of scraps (and how willingly I grab at them because something is better than nothing.  So also tired of my own lack of healthy boundaries.  Hearing about how good you've been to other people.  Other people are worth the good, and I get the bad because you've been hurt by someone else?)  Tired of vagueness, the non relationship.  Tired of not being worth honesty, feeling that it's not safe.  Tired of not being seen, not seen as having worth in me, the person in front of you.  Tired of secrecy, the squirrellyness.  Tired of my own insecurities.  Tired of poor communication (on both sides).  Tired of a lack of affection or warmth or genuine interest in me.  Tired of feeling dirty and untouchable.  Tired of settling for less than I want, and tired of believing that this is how life will always be, and that I should be happy for any attention at all, that mutuality is only for other people.  Tired of believing in a carrot that I follow into a future that will never happen.  Someday.  Was going to.  Next time.  We should.  In the future, a future that only exists in the words as they are spoken.  And maybe they are true in that moment, but they never become reality.  And I keep following them.  Believing them.  Until they dissolve back into the air.  And you're standing there saying it's time to go.