New Year

Spent my morning in the ER; my heart had been pounding since mid-afternoon on Sunday, and the rate didn't seem to go down over time.  ER during increasing COVID rates is like being the boy-in-the-bubble.  I went 2x last spring/summer and was not quite as restrictive.  I went out and caught the light rail as soon as there was enough daylight, and ended up being the only person there when I arrived (though when I left, it had become busier.)  Everyone covered in protective clothing and shields, having to sanitize on way in and out, having to have someone else let them out of the room.  X-rays being shot through the window of the door.  They had tested me for COVID19 when I arrived, and when it came back negative, people entered less covered up.

I tried to get a nap in while I waited, nearly fell asleep, but then my blood pressure reading set off alarms (I think it was some sorta' glitch in the system, the next one was normal.)  The funny thing is, I began to feel better as soon as I was in the ER, which is good, I guess, but I have no idea what was going on.  Though it doesn't look like a heart attack.

The sun had come out by the time I was discharged, and then my neighborhood was in a weird private storm (a thin band of weather passed over) and we had pouring rain, swirling hail that filled the sky, and later snow.  Now it's sunny again.  At least all the snow/ice is mostly gone from the sidewalks now.

I walked to the library yesterday afternoon, before the heart thing started.  I wanted to get out of the house, but not even half-way there, encountering a steep, slushy hill, the whole prospect seemed dicey.  I carried on.  Couldn't find anything I wanted to read, so I wandered around the stacks for over an hour hoping to be interested in something.  (Finally, just checked out a couple of Patricia Highsmith novels.)  And by that time, the library was getting ready to close and it was twilight.  

The empty streets seemed lonely, at least the ones far from home.  Walking down the opposite hills in the dark seemed like an even worse idea, it was just that it was hard to gain traction in the thick slush.  Then by the time I got home, I felt weird.  It was definitely a workout, but nothing too far out of the ordinary.  They said sometimes your brain doesn't do such a good job of filtering sensations, so perhaps that's why I've been noticing it, but that doesn't explain the fast heart rate.  Kept me up all night.

My boss told me to take the rest of the day off, but I need to check in on some work; I've been off for a couple of weeks.  Then I'll take a nap.

A dry January

Signed up on facebook for the dry January group, having every intention of not drinking, but while sitting eating breakfast this morning, I remembered the pledge and then also remembered that I had drunk alcohol yesterday, January 1, at a party I went to. I think my reason for signing up was that I don't think about my alcohol consumption. It's true that I hardly ever drink (initially due to severe jaw pain when I drink, most of the time, though not always that began 10 + years ago), but I also am aware that it's a reflex to drink when I do. For instance, someone handed me a glassful of grog (?) at a party I went to, and I enjoyed it, but it completely slipped my mind that I had agreed not to drink. Today is a new day, and I haven't had a drink.

I actually tried to do this on my own a couple months back. My life was feeling out of control, not from alcohol but from debt. And I remember thinking that I felt like an addict, keeping secrets, lying to myself about my debt, being in denial about it. Also, I was thinking of blogging about it, about attempts to be sober. Then I found myself drinking 2 times that week, thoughtlessly, and other things came up and I forgot about it. I probably have a short attention span. At any rate, this is attempt two, and I signed up with other people, so as to be accountable to someone else. Works for me that way.

I thought of two other "resolutions" for the new year: 1) to write everyday; and 2) to do something artistic everyday, because these are things I say are important to me, but I don't make enough effort. Also, I have an art show next month, and haven't a clue what I'm gonna do for it. I signed up for the date a year ago with ideas in my head that fell through, so, need to come up with something new and frame it in a month. I have two decent sized walls to fill. I didn't write yesterday, and my artistic endeavour was to make Hoppin' John, which might count, as it was new to me. Tasted alright. (I always wanted to be a photographer, but am a better cook than a photographer. I'm in a rut, I know what I'm lacking, but don't know how to break through. And am taking an acting class, as I'm a better photographer than an actor, but hoping that if I can crash outta' myself there it will help me out in the rest of my life. Plus I like acting.)

Peace, Isabel