Muddling through

This had been a rough couple of weeks.  Not only all the death and loss, (people I admired, people I knew personally, people close to friends), but communication has been a mess.  A mess.  Some would say that's the Mercury retrograde, perhaps...never had it this bad before.  My levels of frustration have been high, every time there is something new (that I thought had already been taken care of), and I feel like banging my head into my computer (this is now a regular thing), I remind myself that it will all work itself out in the end.  Just feels like a big, tangled mess when I'm in it.

And so it continues...breathe.

Things that have worked themselves out:  got a last minute audition for the film class, and found out I was accepted...so that's happening.  It's funny, I finally decided on a monologue from a play I worked on in college.  Partially, it's because I had it around in my books, and partially, it's because it still resonates with me.  I don't know the reasons for why I got into the class, but I'll work on it (the monologue) more, because I like it.  I have been looking a long time.  Finally got on the email list for the Shakespeare class, so I sorta' know what's going on now.  Didn't apply for the solo thing because the mentor I asked couldn't do it now, and I didn't know who else to ask.  I coulda' pushed harder, I don't know...deadline is today.

I wandered around after working the door at the theatre festival on my birthday.  Went to all the places in the Pike Place Market I've never been to before, up stairs, down random hallways.  I was exploring, and also looking for breakfast.  Finally, opened a door walked up the stairs onto a Bolivian restaurant, and ate there.  My first cheat of the month, I ate flan, and had hot chocolate with rum in it.  Made me a little sick, actually.  Went to art galleries, and then the sculpture park to look at the nurse log, see what was growing on it (don't think I've re-visited it since the park opened back in 2007.)  And to watch the light and shadows play on the Richard Sera sculpture (one of my favorite things in Seattle.)  By the time I got home, and it was time to go back to the theatre, I was too tired to go, so only went to the first night (of four.)  Those plays were good, though.  (14 new plays in 48 hours; seven each night.)

The thing with the sugar.  First, I don't think I've lost any weight, at least I hadn't by last Friday, but my energy is much more stable over the course of the day.  In the past, because my doctors had allowed it the first time, I would let myself have a teaspoon of maple syrup or honey, and I didn't do that this time.  And while I have had some sugar (birthday, a chocolate covered cherry from Trader Joe's, a bite of the free dessert at an Indian restaurant, the unfortunate added sugar in the almond butter - read the labels! ugh), it's been minimal.  I don't miss it.  The only thing I really ever want is a mocha.

I was thinking that I'll eat it if it's there (not presently, but in general.)  It's not always that I want it, but perhaps that I'm hungry, and it's available and/or convenient.  Even a cake from scratch seems simpler to make than something more nutritious...so, I'm eating it because I didn't want to take the time to cook, or deal with the messy kitchen (someone always leaves a mess in the kitchen, and depending on the level of it, I don't always want to clean up before I can even start to cook. It's just part of living with other, autonomous adults, I can't really make them clean up after themselves.  It's not my place to be the authoritarian.  I've come to peace with this, and I'm happier in general, but I still don't want to cook in a dirty kitchen.)

I've also been asking myself, if dessert should not be an every day thing, what do I feel I need to constantly give myself a "reward" for?  And if I need it that much, what should I change about my life so that I don't constantly have that need?  What's missing that I'm trying to fill?

Trying to answer those things, and also, reading this book about habits, the good kind, and how you have to know yourself well, and what your tendencies are.  I'm stuck there.  There are four (Obliger, Questioner, Upholder, and Rebel) and I can kinda' see myself in all of them, though I definitely have a rebellious streak, don't like telling myself what to do, much less having someone else tell me...this is a problem.  (According to the book, knowing this helps to determine why you do what you do, and what you need to do the things you say you want to do, but aren't.)

And from the email I just received (I hadn't received any until today), apparently, I'm behind in the Shakespeare class.  I will catch up, but see above.  One of the things I'm working on: procrastination.

We've been under this river of cloud all morning.  Forecast is for 2 inches of rain...seems to be our new norm: all or nothing.

Frustration

(I really need to eat breakfast more regularly.) My frustration levels were so high in class this morning that it took all of my will not to walk out mid-way. I've never walked out of a class before, and it woulda' been pretty melodramatic, so I'm glad I didn't do it. I was being passed over in class as far as being able to speak, both in the small group and the class as a whole. Finally, I spoke up and said that I wanted a turn to speak since I had been passed over (as if I wasn't sitting there.) There were only six of us in class. I was telling the student that sits at my desk when I'm not here about it. She gave me a granola bar for my brain:)

Now I'm still trying to contain myself from biting off some random person's head, and practicing human decency in spite of feeling like my head's gonna explode. Gonna be a really, really long day.  I can actually imagine being a cat furling and unfurling my claws. I haven't ever dealt with being treated as if I'm invisible or inconsequential very well. (This is by FAR the pointiest stone in my shoe. It is the thing that makes me the bat sh** crazy chick. I'm slowly getting better.) At least I managed to speak up for myself today, so actually, kudos to me. (Even a lack of a response is a response. Time to let go for good. What it ever was (flirting? possible friendship? acquaintance?) I don't know, but it's certainly nothing now. Please try not to hate me for wanting to know you. In the real world, I've generally treated you well and given you the benefit of  the doubt, so forgive my confusion of what I'm guilty of, or why I was suddenly no longer worth knowing.) And am now aware of my "most uncomfortable place." So that's a step up. (Am gonna need that later for class.) Something weak to be broken and fixed (quite long-standing. This last part isn't about class, just something whose time has come to face.)

And I've met a lot of really cool people I'd like be friends with this week, so then, non-kudos to me for not exchanging contact info. I'm flaky about that most of the time.

Thank God weird and loud noises along with stomping around are perfectly acceptable behaviors in my other class. Gotta love that. And thank God for the reprieve on the final script from Friday until Monday 'cos it wasn't realistically gonna get done tonight, since the other class runs late.