Muddling through

This had been a rough couple of weeks.  Not only all the death and loss, (people I admired, people I knew personally, people close to friends), but communication has been a mess.  A mess.  Some would say that's the Mercury retrograde, perhaps...never had it this bad before.  My levels of frustration have been high, every time there is something new (that I thought had already been taken care of), and I feel like banging my head into my computer (this is now a regular thing), I remind myself that it will all work itself out in the end.  Just feels like a big, tangled mess when I'm in it.

And so it continues...breathe.

Things that have worked themselves out:  got a last minute audition for the film class, and found out I was accepted...so that's happening.  It's funny, I finally decided on a monologue from a play I worked on in college.  Partially, it's because I had it around in my books, and partially, it's because it still resonates with me.  I don't know the reasons for why I got into the class, but I'll work on it (the monologue) more, because I like it.  I have been looking a long time.  Finally got on the email list for the Shakespeare class, so I sorta' know what's going on now.  Didn't apply for the solo thing because the mentor I asked couldn't do it now, and I didn't know who else to ask.  I coulda' pushed harder, I don't know...deadline is today.

I wandered around after working the door at the theatre festival on my birthday.  Went to all the places in the Pike Place Market I've never been to before, up stairs, down random hallways.  I was exploring, and also looking for breakfast.  Finally, opened a door walked up the stairs onto a Bolivian restaurant, and ate there.  My first cheat of the month, I ate flan, and had hot chocolate with rum in it.  Made me a little sick, actually.  Went to art galleries, and then the sculpture park to look at the nurse log, see what was growing on it (don't think I've re-visited it since the park opened back in 2007.)  And to watch the light and shadows play on the Richard Sera sculpture (one of my favorite things in Seattle.)  By the time I got home, and it was time to go back to the theatre, I was too tired to go, so only went to the first night (of four.)  Those plays were good, though.  (14 new plays in 48 hours; seven each night.)

The thing with the sugar.  First, I don't think I've lost any weight, at least I hadn't by last Friday, but my energy is much more stable over the course of the day.  In the past, because my doctors had allowed it the first time, I would let myself have a teaspoon of maple syrup or honey, and I didn't do that this time.  And while I have had some sugar (birthday, a chocolate covered cherry from Trader Joe's, a bite of the free dessert at an Indian restaurant, the unfortunate added sugar in the almond butter - read the labels! ugh), it's been minimal.  I don't miss it.  The only thing I really ever want is a mocha.

I was thinking that I'll eat it if it's there (not presently, but in general.)  It's not always that I want it, but perhaps that I'm hungry, and it's available and/or convenient.  Even a cake from scratch seems simpler to make than something more nutritious...so, I'm eating it because I didn't want to take the time to cook, or deal with the messy kitchen (someone always leaves a mess in the kitchen, and depending on the level of it, I don't always want to clean up before I can even start to cook. It's just part of living with other, autonomous adults, I can't really make them clean up after themselves.  It's not my place to be the authoritarian.  I've come to peace with this, and I'm happier in general, but I still don't want to cook in a dirty kitchen.)

I've also been asking myself, if dessert should not be an every day thing, what do I feel I need to constantly give myself a "reward" for?  And if I need it that much, what should I change about my life so that I don't constantly have that need?  What's missing that I'm trying to fill?

Trying to answer those things, and also, reading this book about habits, the good kind, and how you have to know yourself well, and what your tendencies are.  I'm stuck there.  There are four (Obliger, Questioner, Upholder, and Rebel) and I can kinda' see myself in all of them, though I definitely have a rebellious streak, don't like telling myself what to do, much less having someone else tell me...this is a problem.  (According to the book, knowing this helps to determine why you do what you do, and what you need to do the things you say you want to do, but aren't.)

And from the email I just received (I hadn't received any until today), apparently, I'm behind in the Shakespeare class.  I will catch up, but see above.  One of the things I'm working on: procrastination.

We've been under this river of cloud all morning.  Forecast is for 2 inches of rain...seems to be our new norm: all or nothing.

Friday

Oh, so off the sugar wagon, but haven't had alcohol in about a week, and didn't actually drink much of what I had a week ago as I had just left the emergency room (after lying around there for a few hours and taking prednisone and benedryl to calm a possible allergic reaction to who knows what) and I stopped somewhere to eat as it had been 22 hours since I'd eaten, and ordered a drink without thinking.  At any rate, decided that alcohol and the pill were a bad mix, so didn't really drink it.  People keep leaving sweets in the lobby. You'd think that would slow down after the holidays, but it hasn't. There have been a lot of birthdays this month.

My throat is supposedly not an infection, and it feels okay in the morning, but by the time I go home, it's killing me.  I lie around and try not to move. Supposed to use Afrin and Flo-nase, but haven't yet, I had to wait to get paid. Voice starts in a week.  Should do an elimination diet, I suppose, but lack the will-power right now.  I still want coconut pudding, I just need to make it.

falling down

Oh, how far I've fallen off the wagon.  I think I might try again for Lent, it's a longer period of time, but I seem to have had more will-power for it in the past.  It's more the sugar than the alcohol, people keep offering sweets and I keep accepting, plus my throat has been killing me for the past week (will go see someone today) and I've been drinking hot beverages (some sweet, most not) left and right to try to get some relief.  (Had a wonderful lavendar mocha last Saturday from place that makes it's own syrups...later that day I went to an apothecary and the man in front of me was buying herbs to make his own bitters.  The two remind me of each other, the bottles with varying colored liquid extractions or with herbs still in them.  I never know what I would do with them, but they excite me. They're cool.) I just ate a peppermint to counteract the coffee-breath.  I didn't bring any toothpaste with me today.  I'm somewhat afraid of how the doctor is going to see, the pain is pretty far down.  A strep diagnosis would be a relief, however, I don't think that's what it is, it's only in one spot.  I have a voice class (singing) starting up soon, and I don't want this to be a reason to not be able to take it.  I have been wanting to take this class for a couple of years, but lacked the courage and or the money when it's been offered before.  It terrifies me, but I want to be a better singer, and you have to take risks to get better at things. As has been said, "doing what you've always done, gets you what you've always gotten."  Peace, L

Another year

Another year and attempting to cut back and sugar, so am doing a dry January and no sugar for the month.  So far, so good on the not drinking, I'm not a big drinker anyway.  But sugar, that's a whole 'nother thing. It gets harder and harder to give things up as I get older, or more stubborn.  I keep forgetting, I ate licorice and a bit of dark chocolate.  I'm allowing myself a little honey or maple syrup daily (teaspoon or two.)  This morning I had plain yogurt with unsweetened coconut flakes and a bit of maple syrup.  It wasn't the coconut pudding I've been craving, but it was okay.  Also been gnawing on a bar of baking chocolate, not that bad, actually.  It's still has a certain creaminess to it, not overly bitter.