Resisitance

I was surprised by the rain when I walked out the door. It was raining hard, had to put on a jacket. I listened to the weather reports and somehow didn't get the impression that it was raining. The gray and the silence are a nice contrast to the vibrant colors of all the trees.

(Around a hundred referral spam hits after that post.) Having a very unfortunate muscle spasm around my tailbone. It's making me feel a little sick.

I'm feeling a lot of resistance to the chair exercises now. There is a fear of going deeper. Fear of uncovering things I didn't know were there (like the crying on Tuesday.) Fear of being boring, or of not doing the exercise right. Fear of the kindness, of being able to trust it. My inability to say the same things back to someone, fear I lack the worthiness to say it. A lot of resistance, I'm holding back from something. I do this in relationships, too. All of them, not just love. But it's worse with someone I'm attracted to, when they suddenly like me back, it suddenly feels too fast (like 0 to 100) and I back off, and then they end up with someone else. I take a long time to make up my mind. And I don't always trust what I'm feeling...I've been wrong a lot. If I did this to you, I'm sorry. Definitely "therapy worthy" behavior.  Anyway, two done for the week, one tomorrow (hopefully), would be good to get more in before class on Sunday. Plenty of time after class, since it's early this week. I need to do more of them, so I'm not so afraid of them. Face whatever it is that's scaring me.

Resistance

Have been resisting meditating for about 2.5 hours. Listening to 80's music on the radio, reading Facebook posts, looking at pictures, brushing teeth, dancing around to 80's rock...seriously, if I just did it, I could get up and leave. Keeping myself from getting on with my day because I want to do that before I leave.  Aaaaggghhhh! And I feel like it makes my day better, or my outlook, but I resist because I feel like it's going to take too long (which it does, my thoughts go racing all over the place), but not two-and-a-half hours. It's a promise I made to myself, I have such a hard time keeping those that I feel obligated to try to keep this one.

Went to market, think I'll cook all day. Am planning on going to a community supper tonight, a fundraiser, but school starts tomorrow, and that will be like working a second job for the next nine months. So, will try to have something around, so I spend less money eating out. Gonna do the slow-cooker taco filling, a modified Caldo Gallego (by way of NOLA, and minus potatoes) and a cooked salsa verde (you make a fresh one, and then cook it down.) Not a lot of fridge space available, so need to process everything somehow so it takes up less space.

As far as running into people from my past, it's a good thing. Any sting there might have been has passed, and it's good to be reminded of why I liked them in the first place even if we didn't end up being all that compatible in the long run. I'm also running into old housemates a lot lately. It's funny, it's not like most of us moved away, we are all still living in the same city, or moved away briefly and came back, but somehow haven't crossed paths in a long time. I've always lived in group houses (except for the year I was nineteen, I lived in a single dorm room for that year), and so have lived with a lot of people over the course of my adult life.

The caldo seems edible, not as bitter as I would have thought with both turnip greens and turnips in it, and I have managed to resist lifting the lid of the slow cooker. I think it's working. Salsa verde will have to wait, none of the kitchen outlets seem to work, so can't plug in blender. (Slow cooker is sitting on a wooden chair in the living room to be able to reach a working outlet.) Keeping an eye on it.