Monday night

Can't believe the class is almost over.  Tomorrow is the last group to walk the tight rope (my group), and then on Wednesday we'll run through the final Slow Tempo performance piece as a whole group, and then Thursday we'll do all of it publicly, and then Friday is the last class.  Feels over too fast.

The nice thing about the Slow Tempo piece is that there is room to really engage and bring in motivations for what you do, where you came from, where you are going, etc.  Good practice.  (Completely missing for me on the film project.  I worked on it outside of the actual filming, but really not there during the filming.  We shot most of it line by line, not with characters interacting for any length of time.  I need to learn to get and stay in character even if that is the case.)

Ah, it's late.  I can hear rain (unexpected.)  A flash of light through the windows during notes, and then when we were all together to close the evening, the rain really started pounding on the roof and windows: a good sound.

One more done

The rain has returned, making a popping sound as it lands outside my window, I suppose I should close it.  It had barely started to spit down when I left the studio space, and I ran for the first bus, and missed it.  The second bus came a few minutes later, and by that point it had started to pour.  Closer to home, just beginning to hit the hot pavement, that smell a college friend called "ozone," and his favorite.  I think that every time I smell it.

We shot our one-minute, generative scene tonight.  Ended up in a studio as location was an issue due to the use of weapons.  The original actor a part was written for never did turn up again, though someone said he posted something on facebook, so, hopefully he's still alive.  Anyway, another actor stepped in, so the idea changed, as he wasn't the one it had been written for.  (I think the concept for the project was that the directors were assigned actors and had to write a scene with those particular actors in mind...not sure how I got a "disturbed" individual written for me...oh, well.)  We did get it cut close to a minute, so a lot of the dialogue was dropped.  It all worked out in the end.

The original actor is good, but man, if you get hired, you gotta show up (or call, or something.)  Two directors wanted to cast him in final projects but he wasn't there for the readings, and I'm not sure I'd take the risk.  There are 23 other actors in the program, the majority of whom want to work, and are showing up.  I believe in second chances, but if you've got a deadline, you gotta work with people who show up.

Anyway, we'll see these on Wednesday and then the next two months are for work on the final projects.  And tomorrow is my first "free" Monday evening in ages (relatively speaking, I have a meeting at 5:30, but I'll get home before 11 pm.)

Finally, rain

Awake.  Trying to recall a feeling or thought or sight from a dream I woke up from, it left me feeling hopeful. The sound of gravel moving in the alley, increasing to that of rocks being tumbled on a beach, by receding tides: it has finally started to rain.  In the distance a long peal of thunder, but the pounding of the raindrops has overwhelmed all other sounds: no roar of tires from the freeway, no birds, no voices.  And I am in solitude for a moment.

Then the thunder stops.  The traffic increases outside, a more constant rhythm of rubber on wet pavement, the clacking of dishes being moved against one another downstairs, the baby crows crying out to be fed in the alley, and the solitude is broken.

Time to face it.

Later, listening to this solo violin CD, Oliver Schroer "Camino" that my sister gave me a while back, I need to find some music for my clown. Wish I'd asked the woman on the piano last week what she was playing.  Can google "Loony Tunes" music as well, we found something from there for our nursery rhyme in Meisner.

On another note, what happens on stage, or set, or in rehearsal, happens in the context of that "safe" space and by consensual agreement of those involved.  Part of being there is the exploration of things you would not necessarily explore out of that specific context.  In life, out of that context, I would not "slap" someone or walk up and kiss a stranger, (or kick or knee or shove someone, stage combat, which was required when we performed "Riches.")  No one was hurt in the process.  We actually care about each other.  It's not an aggressive attack on the other; it's not personal or an act of vengeance. (This is not restricted to acting, it exists in play, in sports, in martial arts, in sparring, etc.  There are rules and agreements you adhere to.  And when you walk out of the space, you put your armor (your public face) back on and leave all of that behind.)

Rain, lots of rain

Suddenly feel very free.  Had my coaching session earlier.  Did not get "up on it's feet" but we did cut both monologues to under 50 seconds with a good thru-line for both and emotional changes.  There is a similarity between them because on a continuum of drama to comedy, they both are closer to a center line.  Will have to make the women distinct enough, they have different backgrounds and points of view.  I'll keep looking, but I like these two women.  She (the coach) talked about how they are different and also said something interesting about how we all have to teach other people how to love us, which is as much true for life as it is for these characters, and perhaps that's why these "love" stories are written over and over again, and why we keep watching them.

I also feel excited, like I know that I want to find a way to continue to do this, two to three times a week for the foreseeable future.  And that requires finding a way to keep my expenses down, and a way to make more money than I do now.  And having any sort of certainty frightens me, as if just saying it will jinx it.  (Talked to a couple of the housemates about the possibility of leasing the house and also have started looking at ads of what other housing is available.  Not sure what I will do.)  And then I found a great monologue in the collection I wasn't very hot on, and a play I want to stage.  I have time, but will start looking into how to make that happen.

It was pouring after the coaching.  I went downstairs and had lunch, hoping it would let up.  Staring out the window at the rain, thinking of falling asleep in the sun and wondering what changed after that point.  Unwanted thoughts.  Writing.  The waitress came by and complimented my handwriting.  Brought coffee.  Still the rain fell.  It was time to leave.  Walking to the bus, the first person I encountered, red-rimmed eyes, always breaking my heart and I'm left feeling ineffectual.  The second, brushing his teeth, beer in the other hand.  The third filing her nails, slightly out of the rain.  Publicly private moments because that's what the option is right now.

The bus is packed, smelling of Windex.  It gives me a headache.  It inches along northbound in heavy traffic.  Home again and I need to sing more.  I think I have enough songs, but I've been assured that I will forget when the time comes to sing them.  Hopefully, I have enough buried in my memory that something will come out automatically, lord knows I have enough song lyrics occupying my brain.  Hopefully, I have the willpower to force them out "on voice."  There are only seven mirrors left to go.  I imagine we will all be done with ours by Thursday.

Are we half-way through now?  I've lost track of time.

Resisitance

I was surprised by the rain when I walked out the door. It was raining hard, had to put on a jacket. I listened to the weather reports and somehow didn't get the impression that it was raining. The gray and the silence are a nice contrast to the vibrant colors of all the trees.

(Around a hundred referral spam hits after that post.) Having a very unfortunate muscle spasm around my tailbone. It's making me feel a little sick.

I'm feeling a lot of resistance to the chair exercises now. There is a fear of going deeper. Fear of uncovering things I didn't know were there (like the crying on Tuesday.) Fear of being boring, or of not doing the exercise right. Fear of the kindness, of being able to trust it. My inability to say the same things back to someone, fear I lack the worthiness to say it. A lot of resistance, I'm holding back from something. I do this in relationships, too. All of them, not just love. But it's worse with someone I'm attracted to, when they suddenly like me back, it suddenly feels too fast (like 0 to 100) and I back off, and then they end up with someone else. I take a long time to make up my mind. And I don't always trust what I'm feeling...I've been wrong a lot. If I did this to you, I'm sorry. Definitely "therapy worthy" behavior.  Anyway, two done for the week, one tomorrow (hopefully), would be good to get more in before class on Sunday. Plenty of time after class, since it's early this week. I need to do more of them, so I'm not so afraid of them. Face whatever it is that's scaring me.

Wet

Went through the wash several times today, at least my shoes are cleaner, and my rain jacket is still keeping out rain. It just started up again, I can hear it hitting my window.

Worked a catering event this morning at 7 am, and then watched the Wim Wenders' documentary Pina which was great. She (Pina Bausch) was a German dancer/choreographer, and it's interesting to see it now as I can see her influence in most of the performance art/dance I've seen in the past year. There's a lot of love present in her work, and that might be the result of the company being together for so long, or it might just be her. My favorite work was Café Müller which involved chairs and the dancers dancing blindly, but just the way they move and connect is beautiful in general.

After that, I went to MOHAI http://www.mohai.org/ for free museum day, which is my new favorite museum. It's a fairly "eyes wide open" look at the history of  this city, warts and all, and it makes me fall in love with Seattle all over again. It's a relatively new (and much larger) space for the museum, and it's so well-curated. And it's fun. (And now I have the Seattle fire song stuck in my head.) It was also pleasantly crowded, aided no doubt, by the miserably wet weather (windy and over an inch of rain already today) and the free passes. I left during what I thought was a lull in the rain, but as soon as I'd walked about 50 yards, it started up again. Was going to go to another museum, but time was running short, so I caught the bus home.

The bus ride was long, delayed, crowded, on the wrong route and people were pretty stoic. I pulled out (a different) art mag and dropped peas on the seat then onto the floor. This packet of peas (seeds) broke open in my bag a while ago (um, when it was still planting season...um, yikes) and I haven't emptied them out yet. I explained that to the very serious man across from me, and in my embarrassment, made him laugh. Clown-ish.

Want to go to a puppet show tonight, but might skip it: there are two college football games in town tonight, one now, and one at 7 pm south of downtown, and that combined with the rain, the new bus schedules/route drivers, and I think it's gonna be a mess trying to get anywhere. There's one next weekend as well, but I think I'm busy all next week. Am actually free tonight. I want to see more puppetry, I've always kinda' liked it. I guess it'll depend on if I can get there avoiding the stadium traffic.

Think we are about to lose power, lights are flickering. Oh, no. Just the last of my over-priced light bulbs giving up the ghost. Don't know where to get more either. Thankfully, this IKEA lamp bulb has lasted forever, and is still working. Here's a silly picture of ducks resting on one foot. Maybe I'll stay in and do laundry.

Break in the rain/L Herlevi 2013

Monday and raining: Hello Autumn

No birds singing outside my window this morning, though I had a couple yesterday, still not the robin: new birds. Instead I wake up to the steady sound of tires on wet pavement and the dripping of water from the eaves after a night of rain.

Thoughts about singing. I'm singing louder now, but not sure how to get the volume out. Wondering what exactly is my authentic voice...not sure if it's what I've been singing with. Who am I, as opposed to who I would like to be, who society tells me I should be, who would be cool to be, who do I not want to be? In all of that, where am I? What am I? What do I sound like? It was an odd thing to think about after all this time. It's interesting. Since this summer, I don't care as much what I sound like, I just want to sing.

And I hear the voices that say, "Art is frivolous." But I don't agree with that. I think it's important. I think it's a safe way to take off the everyday masks that we wear and to let ourselves feel and experience authentically. I think it's a safe place to work through the "ugly" or "scary" (sometimes love and forgiveness and letting go are scary) parts of ourselves, get it out on the stage, the paper, the rehearsal space, the canvas, etc., so we don't play out the drama continually in our "regular" lives and hurt ourselves and each other. And I think it provides release for both the artist and the audience, and maybe it provides a chink in the armor, and opening for new thoughts, new way of seeing the world, or looking at a problem or a place where we've been stuck.

And as far as this thorn in my side, sometimes a splinter, sometimes a dagger, I've been trying to find ways to get it out, but I've decided it can stay. It's drawing up and out a lot of "poison" I thought I had purged in the past, but apparently not. Things I want to actually deal with once and for all, and so I'm grateful that it's there, and I'm grateful for the person who put it there. If there are such a thing as soulmates, mine always seem to be those who sting and make me deal with crap...other people get lovers, I get people who put daggers in my side, just saying.

This (song) isn't in reference to anyone, thoughts of thorns reminded me of both the story of the lion with a thorn in it's paw and this song by the Eurythmics. Man, it's really coming down out there now!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AmkmqYEarw

Audition day

It wasn't raining when I left the house to go drop off my rent check. Four-blocks later, large drops fell, eight-blocks later, a full on downpour.  I pulled my hood over my head and zipped my jacket and walked on. The thin branches of the parking strip trees offered spotty shelter; I stood under a larger canopied and therefore more protective tree in a park for a few moments but then went on. My jeans got soaked. By the time I left the real estate office, the rain had stopped.  I guess the rent isn't actually past due until the 5th.

Stopped by a coffee house to finish reading the play again and to make notes as to what I am responding to in the monologue. Have recited it over and over and over again. It's anywhere between 50 seconds to one minute. I think I need to cut more, so I don't go over. Not sure what, it's getting pretty slim, content-wise.  I can't believe it takes a minute to say this.

While walking home, I was practicing saying the words "arctic cat" and making a face and cat claws while I said it, not really paying attention to where I was until I happened to look up and see a man inside a pet grooming shop looking at me oddly. Yes, it was later in the day than I thought, and there were people behind those windows I was passing. I was saying the monologue most of the way, too, so also talking to myself. Oh well.

Onward. It will all be over in less than twelve hours. This time.

Heavy, heavy rain

The weather gages are saying less than an inch of rain, but I don't think those are right. It dumped for a good half hour or more. It started to rain when I left work at 5 pm, as usual. I was walking slowly, enjoying the sound of the rain hitting the leaves. After a few minutes, I saw lightning, ten seconds 'til the thunder, is that ten miles? I ducked into a restaurant nearby and then it just started dumping. The rain cut off the satellite service to the restaurant and then shortly thereafter, water started dripping from the ceiling. I pointed it out and the manager commented that he didn't understand the concept of flat roofs in a place that rains so much. Good point. It was a river outside, even after the rain stopped.

I knew it would flood the basement at home. I got home about an hour ago, and have since bailed out the drain, and cleaned the mud out, and then just got finished wiping up the floor. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it's annoying that it's the third or fourth time this year. They had all summer to fix the gutters, but they haven't. Thankfully, neither the front porch nor the kitchen ceilings leaked. (But those are both from the gutters backing up.) It's still really humid, so the floor is not drying.

Ick. I need to take a shower now, and then work on the monologue. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but it's what I'm going with, so I've gotta make it work.

Thursday, just one more rehearsal

Falling rain and yellow leaves. It's as if a switch flipped and suddenly I see arms of red and yellow among the mostly green trees. The bus swirls the leaves slowly as it passes by, raking them into neat lines of brown and gold. It was almost 70 degrees and 91% humidity when I woke up around 5 am. It's been humid a lot this summer, in spite of very little rain. What, are we becoming sub-tropical? Maybe we can start growing bananas...There's a sprinkler running and it just started to pour. I opened my window because I like the sound.  It's so quiet today, that's the only sound I hear.

We get so few notes after each run-thru that I asked the director if he's tired by the time we do our scene (the earlier scenes seem to get the most notes.) He said he only gives notes he thinks are necessary. I wasn't trying to be an ass, but I need some feedback. I don't want to suck, and I've had a couple experiences with other instructors where there was so little feedback (okay, one of them gave me zilch), and I knew we needed it...I don't want to be so bad that there's nothing they can say to improve it. I don't think he does that, but I want the feedback if it's needed (or even to just hear that it's good), I want to get better. I have no idea what the scene looks like. I asked if we could run our last half on Saturday (which we will do, that was one of our notes), we need to go bigger with it. It's a long scene, I don't want to be dead weight when she is talking. And I'd like it to be more than, "oh, those two chicks just kissed on stage." We do now, however, have the overlapping dialogue working. So, yea! to that. (All of this is my own insecurities, of course. Maybe I'll ask the stage manager, she can see from the front-if I seem like dead weight, everyone else is behind us. But, you know, it's helpful to hear if you are doing good, too. I can't base my progress on the subjective idea of how I feel.) The last three scenes in the second act just haven't been worked much, and we all have fewer notes than the first act scenes, which have been worked at almost every rehearsal since we started. I know that he knows what he's doing, but most of us have not worked on a full show before, so we don't always know what we're doing, and it is a class. (Someone else commented that they wanted more input as well, because it's a class, and we should be learning from it. Which is a fair observation: we did pay tuition. And since there will also be an audience, you want to give your best.) I don't mean to bitch, I just want to get the most out of the experience as possible.  I want to continue to improve; it's why I'm studying. And I don't know where I stand right now.

Darn! Someone just asked me my shoe size because they are cleaning out their closet...wrong size. (I could use new shoes.)

Ooh, forecast is for the possibility of 1-2" of rain today. Maybe it will put out the forest fires.

I found a second typo in my application (after re-sending for a different one.) I mentioned it to someone and she said no one would really care. (I forgot to include a verb.) This is very different from what you hear for job applications where your resume/letter would just get tossed for a typo (even if you were the best fit.)

It's now the type of rain that seems it should include some thunder.  It was sunny about 20 minutes ago.

Rainy

Rainy, rainy, rainy holiday.  Went and shot some outdoor stuff for the project. Hopefully, some of it is useful, we didn't always know what we were doing. Came home, took a nap, and woke up completely disoriented as to what day it was and if I was supposed to be somewhere. I do have a movie ticket for 8 pm, but I think I'll skip it, I have homework for both classes and it's two hours on top of the movie time with the bus commute. And I'll spare all the other movie goers my coughing and nose-blowing displays:) I'm also having a momentary aversion to going outside, or actually doing anything at all.  This is a picture of the sidewalk from earlier today. I will go now.

Memorial Day/L. Herlevi

 

 



Very wet Saturday

Just made it home in between deluges. Started to dump rain again as I walked up the stairs into the house.  It was sunny, but cold, when I left. Went to the library to see if a book of plays had come in, but it hadn't, yet. I want to understand better a play I saw recently, thought it would help to read it, didn't entirely get why one of the character's speaking style changed mid-play, was wondering about the choice of that, or if it was written into the script. Also, curious if there was a symbolic meaning to it all. And then went to credit union to see if my tax return had deposited yet, nope. I need to be a bit more organized, I received a new debit card recently, but for the life of me, I can't find it now.

Ran into former housemates at the farmer's market just before the rain began. I was stopping to buy an empanada and nettles. Ducked into a church when the rain started and scrubbed down some walls. I had said I would earlier. Trying to follow through with things I'm capable of doing. People always try to get me to make phone calls as an easy thing to do, except for me, I'd rather have a camera shoved up my nose again then cold call people. I will put it off until I can't anymore. So, if you're reading this and I was supposed to call you, I'm sorry. It's totally me, not you. At any rate, I smell like ammonia now, from cleaning, so am off to wash my hair and another load of laundry.

Saturday-Free

as is often the case, I ended up randomly gardening.  Turned some soil, pulled weeds and the endless growth of the leek-garlic-who-knows-what hybrid; transplanted some self-seeding kale-things (I don't know what they are) and so am glad that it started to rain so they can get watered in. Water hasn't been turned on yet for the season.  Detoured home by way of Greenlake so I could look at the ducks.  Lots of coots, beaks and feet bleached out, a lone one running from the water to the flock across the sand and reminding me with it's lurching gate over it's massive webbed-feet of a man staggering across the desert in search of an oasis. Mallards were sleeping in the weeds, and two mergansers bathed in the company of a bufflehead couple.  There were crew races across the lake and the cormorants had collected themselves on an unused swimming dock away from the action, but alert and watching.

ah rain!

Falling in earnest...I bring my rain coat on the days when it doesn't rain, and didn't wear it today. It's bulky. Perhaps it won't be raining when I leave.

Throat tests were negative for cancer or other infection, but there is throat damage. Have been changing my diet and cutting back to 1 or 2 cups of coffee/day, eating earlier at night, etc. I think I'm singing now in a more healthy manner since starting these voice lessons.  I sang the whole concert on Sunday, it was split into 2 sets of 5 songs each, and there was an hour break in between, and I didn't feel like I needed painkillers afterward, so that's improvement. I sang in class afterwards and my voice "broke" but not much, I went with it.

Did not get a good photo of trees last night, will make further attempts.

Ooh...guess I shoulda' brought the jacket afterall.  Very. Wet. Out.

Umbrella

It was trying to snow as I waited for the bus this morning.  Off to the west, the sight lines were obscured, alas the snow melted on contact.  Here at work, it is only rain.  It's Leap Day, but Mother Nature has her own calendar, it's very blustery, like March should be. A woman at the bus stop had one of those deep, clear plastic umbrellas, I think I called them "bubble-lators" when I was in grade school, you can almost stand inside of it, and still see out, since it's plastic.  The bubble-lator made me think of the old elevator in the Center House at the Seattle Center. I think it was a remnant from the World's Fair.  Anyway, at some point during my elementary-school career, I rode in it, but it's long since been replaced with a solid box of an elevator.  And all this led me to remember singing "the bluest skies you've ever seen are in Seattle, " in 2nd grade music class, and being the clueless individual that I was, I thought the word was "seettle" like "beetle," and was confused by how everyone else knew it had the extra syllable. As a family, we never went there, it wasn't far, but my dad didn't like driving in cities.  I can probably count on 2 hands how many times we went there before I was 18.  I think I grew up on a separate planet from everyone else, I think we were 2nd and 3rd generation in the US, and not living in any particular culture in this generation.  It's amusing looking back, how clueless I must've been growing up.

December 4, 2009

I guess Mother Nature missed the weather memo, hee hee: It's pouring down rain outside. All the weather forecasts were for fog, lifting to a sunny afternoon, no chance of rain for probably a week. Oddly it's only really showing on the radar in a very small band covering Seattle, and west to the Olympic Peninsula. Not cold enough for snow, though.

On a more serious and sadder note, Amanda Knox was convicted of all accounts in the murder trial of her roommate Meredith Kercher in Italy. I don't know whether or not she is guilty, but I don't think she should've been convicted by the evidence (knife didn't match the wounds -and of course fingerprints would be on a knife if you ever did any cooking- and footprint didn't match the shoe) and the grandstanding of the DA. While I'm sorry that Meredith Kercher was murdered, accusing the nearest person/s doesn't necessarily get you anywhere closer to the truth or closure. Best of luck on the appeal. Sorry for the downer.

Behind today's Advent Calendar window is a chocolate dipped cardamon ice cream bar from the Whidbey Island Ice Cream Co. You can find them at the Ballard Farmer's Market from 10-3 pm every Sunday, as well as various locations on Whidbey Island. In addition to a variety of ice cream bars (see menu here, which isn't complete, http://www.whidbeyislandicecream.com/Flavors.html) they also sell pints. I believe the bars are $3.00 and the pints $5 or $6. I was vacillating between the cardamom and a wine bar, but had recently tasted pullah, a cardamom-laced Finnish sweet bread, and have been craving cardamom ever since. I ate the same flavor two weeks in a row. Sometimes you just want what you want, like always ordering the same thing at a restaurant, because the reason you go there is for one particular dish. I always eat the vindaloo at my favorite restaurant, so many dishes untried until the next time when I consider the menu, vacillate, and order...the vindaloo.