Resisitance

I was surprised by the rain when I walked out the door. It was raining hard, had to put on a jacket. I listened to the weather reports and somehow didn't get the impression that it was raining. The gray and the silence are a nice contrast to the vibrant colors of all the trees.

(Around a hundred referral spam hits after that post.) Having a very unfortunate muscle spasm around my tailbone. It's making me feel a little sick.

I'm feeling a lot of resistance to the chair exercises now. There is a fear of going deeper. Fear of uncovering things I didn't know were there (like the crying on Tuesday.) Fear of being boring, or of not doing the exercise right. Fear of the kindness, of being able to trust it. My inability to say the same things back to someone, fear I lack the worthiness to say it. A lot of resistance, I'm holding back from something. I do this in relationships, too. All of them, not just love. But it's worse with someone I'm attracted to, when they suddenly like me back, it suddenly feels too fast (like 0 to 100) and I back off, and then they end up with someone else. I take a long time to make up my mind. And I don't always trust what I'm feeling...I've been wrong a lot. If I did this to you, I'm sorry. Definitely "therapy worthy" behavior.  Anyway, two done for the week, one tomorrow (hopefully), would be good to get more in before class on Sunday. Plenty of time after class, since it's early this week. I need to do more of them, so I'm not so afraid of them. Face whatever it is that's scaring me.