Tuesday-Talking out loud

My eyes are blurry from getting olive oil in them.  (Used it to remove mascara.)  Between that and the fact that I really need reading glasses, I had a difficult time filling in the voting bubbles neatly.  The trees are blowing about, and the sky is lightening, I should probably leave soon.  I like that the mornings are brighter, but not that it's dark when I get off of work.  Two more months and the days get lighter again.

I think I'll start asking my classmates for more feedback on the monologues, I sometimes probably offer too much, but the way the class is set up, seems to provide for that.  Normally, you never would, but I find it helpful to see what is hitting someone else, and if they have suggestions of things to consider, I'd like that information to work with.  (Especially with the Shakespeare.)  I find the feedback loop of performer asking or telling what they see the reason for the monologue is, and then the response, etc, great for distillation and clarification of why you have to say this now, and what change you want, helpful.  I have trouble seeing that in my own work, I suppose it's the lack of distance, plus unless you film it, you can't actually see what you are doing (physically.) If there is an audience there, why not ask what they see (both physically, and mind pictures)?

And watching the other people work, and hearing the notes and the feedback, is also useful.  The counterpart monologue to mine got run again, and figuring out what he is really saying is helpful to me, it's one of our last contacts before mine.  (I think he's telling me he loves me, and that I deserve better in life.)  Also, someone did a piece from "Orange Flower Water," and hearing the discussion and feedback of the text and the character made me like it just a little (hated it when I read it last year.)  I can better see the character's frailty and loss, and so can relate to why she did what she did, even if there really are no excuses.

My Shakespeare monologue just doubled in length, I'll need to do some research for that one.

Time to go to work.

Stormy

Thought of the day after Suzuki class, "There is tension in stillness."  That just helps with all of it.  (Has to do with what I was doing with my arms, and also a competition that we had to see who could be the most still in between moving.)  This was the last day of the intensive, the drop-ins are only 1x/week.  I want to find a way to keep practicing (with other people), but the time of it is hard for me.  I just feel so grounded, like I have to work to pull my feet off of the floor, and that when they touch the ground again, they are in full contact.  I like that, not a common state for me.  Also, other stuff related to acting and emotional withholding came up and I want to work through it.  I'm finding a relationship with the emotional and the physical that I'd like to spend more time exploring.

We are now having a thunderstorm.  When I walked up the stairs after class it was dumping rain, and then by the time I got my jacket on, it had stopped.  So, I got back to work in the dry window, even patches of blue sky, but that's gone now.  Dark, thunder, wind kicking up.

Lot of information today, I wanted to remember this poem by Kabir, a reminder for me that now is all we've got.  Everything important that you think you can keep putting off, what would you regret if the opportunity to change things, to say things, to do things, were suddenly taken away?
 
The Time Before Death - Kabir (Robert Bly Translation)

Friend? hope for the Guest while you are alive.
Jump into experience while you are alive!
Think... and think... while you are alive.
What you call "salvation" belongs to the time
            before death.

If you don't break your ropes while you're alive,
do you think ghosts will do it after?

The idea that the soul will join with the ecstatic
just because the body is rotten --
that is all fantasy.
What is found now is found then.
If you find nothing now,
you will simply end up with an apartment in the
          City of Death.
If you make love with the divine now, in the next
life you will have the face of satisfied desire.

So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is,
Believe in the Great Sound!

Kabir says this: When the Guest is being searched for,
it is the intensity of the longing for the Guest
that does all the work.

Look at me, and you will see a slave of that intensity.

Long afternoon

Oh, and for the record the stripping in the play was for humor, there wasn't anything particularly provocative about it. We stripped off layers and layers of clothing down to black long-johns and long tank tops. The laughter hit when we got to the fourth layer. It was about a ten minute scene prior to that point too, it was really, really hot, we were always drenched in sweat by the time we exited off stage. It was super warm out that weekend. I hope we get to see the pictures this week. I'm curious.

Another thunderstorm is rolling through, just in time for the Seahawks vs. Forty-Niners game. We've had a lot of thunderstorms this year. Will turn this off. A blast of cool air just came through my window. There is curiously nothing showing up on the weather radar around here. Oh, and now a massive amount of rain, I hope the drain doesn't overflow again, luckily, the wind is blowing from the south, so maybe it won't hit the door so hard this time.

I've started really watching the actors that aren't speaking on stage.  I caught myself paying attention when I saw August, Osage County last spring, the son was sitting on the couch, didn't say anything or interact with anyone, but was very alive, engaged. Ditto last night, it was why I thought the casting was so strong. Okay, thunder is starting up again. Should find something to do that doesn't involve electricity. Attempts at organization and purging.

Oh, thank God! My parents gave me money for groceries (I'd rather not ask, it's my choice to go to school. I would've preferred getting the same raise as everyone else: professional staff/faculty got 4%, we got 2%. While I'm happy for a raise, it's been eight years since I've had one, and it amounts to $16/check. Not remotely keeping up with the cost of living over eight years (for perspective, when I looked at apartments back then, you could get a 500+ sq ft studio for $500-600/month, the studios in my neighborhood are now starting at $950; $32 doesn't really make a dent in the rent difference.) And still less than what I made last December. I don't ask them for help much, I feel like I should be able to support myself. I want to do more in my life, and I'm still paying off all of the throat-related care from last winter.) I'm gonna try to make it last for a month. Challenges are good things, sometimes. I'm hardly the only person struggling to pay tuition. There are no guarantees of anything, but you have to try.  If I wait, I'll only be older next year.

Not sure what's up with my recent interest in football, I just listened to the whole game on the radio, and I enjoyed it.