Tightrope walking. On the third pass I made about 1 1/2 steps after letting go of the hands. I think I know why, I think I was too tentative with owning my own balance after letting go. Not sure if we get another crack at it...the performance is soon, so we might not.
Even with skipping the walks today (I've injured my knee...I think it's because my back's messed up) I still feel really centered and grounded. Have to figure out how to keep the practice when the training is over.
Third of the way done.
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts
Friday, June 12, 2015
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Control
Woke up at 4 am, panicking that I had spent all of my money on clothes and couldn't pay rent; took a while to remember that the clothes buying was actually in a dream and not real. Thinking about it now, they were like Italian clown outfits...interesting. If I'm going to be up this early, I should start meditating again; has fallen by the wayside as of late.
I got some advice on how to drop into the situation before entering (it's been a problem.) I'll try finding a quiet space I guess, nerves and noise have preventing me from focusing (she suggested going out on the stairwell.) The nerves and distractions will always be there, and when I'm better at this, hopefully, I'll be able to block them out enough, but I'm not there yet. Meditation would probably help, too (at being able to hold a focus regardless of what else is happening, before entering.) And I think that why my set up didn't work last night was that even though the situation I created wasn't exactly true, it was too close to a memory for me. I also realize that I didn't think out far enough what I knew for certain about my partner. It was there, but I hadn't thought about what it meant, and I needed to; the task and the relationship with my partner/what I knew about him/our past were definitely at odds emotionally.
And I need to figure out what this emotional lid is all about, not only am I not reacting strongly (and trusting the ability to be able to say whatever came up-and I knew absolutely there was no barrier or lack of safety with three of the partners because I'd worked with them so much; and very little in the way with the other two, mostly that I hadn't worked enough with them to read what was going on.) But it's not even coming up into the realm of possibility to say those things, or feel them...why is there a lid on having them affect me? I was only able to really let one of my partners affect me deeply (I couldn't stop laughing, which was a spontaneous reaction, which is what we are going for), two others had moments, and two were really hard. And those were emotional states, not words...words just aren't coming up. I should do more exercises just using noises, super uncomfortable place for me. A lot of it has to do with control and a fear of what happens when all hell breaks loose (and my immediate memory is of a lot of scary shit happening-and I've had my share, instinctively, I just don't want anymore, and that's getting in the way), but creativity also happens there; and trying to control the outcome also blocks the creativity. Again, this is the safest place I'm ever gonna have to let go of the need to control...and again, easier said then done. A very old habit. Nothing progresses without an element of chaos. And fear of the shit that happened in my past is shutting me down from acting/reacting to what's really going on now.
I got some advice on how to drop into the situation before entering (it's been a problem.) I'll try finding a quiet space I guess, nerves and noise have preventing me from focusing (she suggested going out on the stairwell.) The nerves and distractions will always be there, and when I'm better at this, hopefully, I'll be able to block them out enough, but I'm not there yet. Meditation would probably help, too (at being able to hold a focus regardless of what else is happening, before entering.) And I think that why my set up didn't work last night was that even though the situation I created wasn't exactly true, it was too close to a memory for me. I also realize that I didn't think out far enough what I knew for certain about my partner. It was there, but I hadn't thought about what it meant, and I needed to; the task and the relationship with my partner/what I knew about him/our past were definitely at odds emotionally.
And I need to figure out what this emotional lid is all about, not only am I not reacting strongly (and trusting the ability to be able to say whatever came up-and I knew absolutely there was no barrier or lack of safety with three of the partners because I'd worked with them so much; and very little in the way with the other two, mostly that I hadn't worked enough with them to read what was going on.) But it's not even coming up into the realm of possibility to say those things, or feel them...why is there a lid on having them affect me? I was only able to really let one of my partners affect me deeply (I couldn't stop laughing, which was a spontaneous reaction, which is what we are going for), two others had moments, and two were really hard. And those were emotional states, not words...words just aren't coming up. I should do more exercises just using noises, super uncomfortable place for me. A lot of it has to do with control and a fear of what happens when all hell breaks loose (and my immediate memory is of a lot of scary shit happening-and I've had my share, instinctively, I just don't want anymore, and that's getting in the way), but creativity also happens there; and trying to control the outcome also blocks the creativity. Again, this is the safest place I'm ever gonna have to let go of the need to control...and again, easier said then done. A very old habit. Nothing progresses without an element of chaos. And fear of the shit that happened in my past is shutting me down from acting/reacting to what's really going on now.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
No degrees of separation
Six-degrees of separation becomes five, then four, then two...soon there will be none. Keep seeing the same people everywhere I go. And friends randomly connected to other friends.
At the market this morning, I was gonna use a card at a place I used one last week, he didn't have a reader so I started to put the produce back. He said I could pay him later, to take what I wanted. He said he appreciated that I regularly bought from him. And then he said to take it as appreciation for shopping there, but I'll probably pay him back anyway. It's funny because I don't even think I've seen him in over a year. Some of the other farmers have given me produce before because I'm a regular. I've been buying most of my food there almost since they started. Sometimes I feel invisible and then someone (usually there) will ask me how I've been, say they hadn't seen me in a while (which is true, my Saturdays have been booked for most of the year.) I find it both reassuring and humbling; they see hundreds of people every week.
I did end up going to Trouble in Mind tonight. Excellent. Might be one of the best shows I've ever seen. Dealt with racism, sexism, ageism, theatre politics (and politics in general), and above all, human dignity and living in truthfulness (and I might add, kindness.) Well-written, really well acted (all around), as relevant today as it was when it was written, riveting, powerful, thought-provoking, and at times, funny. Fantastic.
My headache has returned with a vengeance. I can't figure out what is causing it. Horrible. I'd rather not take anything, but it won't go away.
At the market this morning, I was gonna use a card at a place I used one last week, he didn't have a reader so I started to put the produce back. He said I could pay him later, to take what I wanted. He said he appreciated that I regularly bought from him. And then he said to take it as appreciation for shopping there, but I'll probably pay him back anyway. It's funny because I don't even think I've seen him in over a year. Some of the other farmers have given me produce before because I'm a regular. I've been buying most of my food there almost since they started. Sometimes I feel invisible and then someone (usually there) will ask me how I've been, say they hadn't seen me in a while (which is true, my Saturdays have been booked for most of the year.) I find it both reassuring and humbling; they see hundreds of people every week.
I did end up going to Trouble in Mind tonight. Excellent. Might be one of the best shows I've ever seen. Dealt with racism, sexism, ageism, theatre politics (and politics in general), and above all, human dignity and living in truthfulness (and I might add, kindness.) Well-written, really well acted (all around), as relevant today as it was when it was written, riveting, powerful, thought-provoking, and at times, funny. Fantastic.
My headache has returned with a vengeance. I can't figure out what is causing it. Horrible. I'd rather not take anything, but it won't go away.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
It's over now
"We would all like to be part of; to create that theatre which we could participate in with pride, on which we could reflect with pride. To do so one must buy a ticket. The price of admission is choice. Choice to participate in the low, the uncertain, the unproved, the unheralded, to bring the truth of yourself to the stage, not the groomed, sure, "Talented", approved person you are portraying, not the researched, corseted, paint-by-numbers presentation without flaws, not the Great Actor, but yourself, as uncertain, as unprepared, as confused as any of us are." -David Mamet
I like these people, it was a privilege to spend the past eleven weeks with them. To show up every week and pay a witness to the work done in private, the work done apart from one another. It went well, for everyone. I want to see how far it can go. 17 days until clown class. 19 days until interviews. 23 days until we work together again. Counting down. "To live truthfully under imaginary circumstances..." why should it matter, what difference does it make? Somehow it does though. Letting it all be open-ended, following the questions, the wants, out to wherever they lead, and trusting in the process. Trusting that where I am at this moment, is the right place for me to be.
I like these people, it was a privilege to spend the past eleven weeks with them. To show up every week and pay a witness to the work done in private, the work done apart from one another. It went well, for everyone. I want to see how far it can go. 17 days until clown class. 19 days until interviews. 23 days until we work together again. Counting down. "To live truthfully under imaginary circumstances..." why should it matter, what difference does it make? Somehow it does though. Letting it all be open-ended, following the questions, the wants, out to wherever they lead, and trusting in the process. Trusting that where I am at this moment, is the right place for me to be.
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