Control

Woke up at 4 am, panicking that I had spent all of my money on clothes and couldn't pay rent; took a while to remember that the clothes buying was actually in a dream and not real.  Thinking about it now, they were like Italian clown outfits...interesting.  If I'm going to be up this early, I should start meditating again; has fallen by the wayside as of late.

I got some advice on how to drop into the situation before entering (it's been a problem.)  I'll try finding a quiet space I guess, nerves and noise have preventing me from focusing (she suggested going out on the stairwell.)  The nerves and distractions will always be there, and when I'm better at this, hopefully, I'll be able to block them out enough, but I'm not there yet.  Meditation would probably help, too (at being able to hold a focus regardless of what else is happening, before entering.)  And I think that why my set up didn't work last night was that even though the situation I created wasn't exactly true, it was too close to a memory for me.  I also realize that I didn't think out far enough what I knew for certain about my partner.  It was there, but I hadn't thought about what it meant, and I needed to; the task and the relationship with my partner/what I knew about him/our past were definitely at odds emotionally. 

And I need to figure out what this emotional lid is all about, not only am I not reacting strongly (and trusting the ability to be able to say whatever came up-and I knew absolutely there was no barrier or lack of safety with three of the partners because I'd worked with them so much; and very little in the way with the other two, mostly that I hadn't worked enough with them to read what was going on.)  But it's not even coming up into the realm of possibility to say those things, or feel them...why is there a lid on having them affect me?  I was only able to really let one of my partners affect me deeply (I couldn't stop laughing, which was a spontaneous reaction, which is what we are going for), two others had moments, and two were really hard.  And those were emotional states, not words...words just aren't coming up.  I should do more exercises just using noises, super uncomfortable place for me.  A lot of it has to do with control and a fear of what happens when all hell breaks loose (and my immediate memory is of a lot of scary shit happening-and I've had my share, instinctively, I just don't want anymore, and that's getting in the way), but creativity also happens there; and trying to control the outcome also blocks the creativity.  Again, this is the safest place I'm ever gonna have to let go of the need to control...and again, easier said then done.  A very old habit.  Nothing progresses without an element of chaos.  And fear of the shit that happened in my past is shutting me down from acting/reacting to what's really going on now.