directives

Well, made the ferry and the bus going north. As soon as I called my mom, she came and got me and we immediately went south again to visit my dad at the assisted living place. I think things have deteriorated significantly since I was last here, though I guess my mom says he was a lot worse the day before. He can't read or hold the cards or pictures people send, he wanted me to read them, and I had to skip sections of the letters because I couldn't read them without bursting out crying. Came home and before I fell asleep prayed to the saints I know, St. Jude, St. James, to Mary, said a rosary, and even prayed to Santa Teresa to pray to Saint Joseph for me. Woke up from a nightmare when someone was being chased and couldn't seem to escape, it wasn't me, but it stressed me out. When I woke up I heard noises in the house as if cabinets were quickly and in a muffled manner were opening and closing, as if there were a constant change of pressure in the house. And then a shuffling like footsteps....I had to go to the bathroom, but was afraid to get up. I finally had to get up and grabbing my rosary stepped across the hall to the bathroom, and turned on the hall light. Maybe wind, maybe the ghost(s) that share the house. I'm considering cleansing it. I was ridiculously tired this morning.

We went back at 1 pm. Had to meet with a nurse to discuss care directives. I didn't expect to have to be having this conversation now, I am heartbroken. People don't die from this! But if he needs a ventilator, he doesn't want to be kept artificially alive, though he does want to be alive to see his brother. I'm still praying for physical (as well as every other kind) of healing, though I know that is not my choice to make in the end.

And it's not the same thing really, but earlier in the week I was feeling so much guilt (out of the blue) for making the decision to put my dog down, and this was in 1986. I don't want to do that again, what if you're wrong?

Peace, Isabel