Ennui.2

Ah, and now I'm bored out of my skull, again.  Something's got to change, dream bigger?  Dream, at all?  Feeling unfulfilled, and yes, first world problems, blah, blah, blah, but out of survival mode, people work for something greater in their lives.  There must be more to life than an endless series of lazy Sunday afternoons spent dozing (alone) while the radio plays pleasantly, repetitively, non-challenging background buzz. Don't say that I "Should focus on others and do for others...to feel better" been doing for others at the detriment of myself, little pieces of my flesh, pieces of my soul given away, majority of my life; putting out fires while letting my own dreams die, because I didn't know how to take care of myself in the midst of so much chaos, so, no, not the answer.  (Though, obviously, there's a balance to be reached.)  Done with the guilt, though, if I don't change something in my life, I'm going to lose my mind.

And I'm not an adrenaline junkie, so, it's not that; I just want something that feels fulfilling.  So much passivity and ennui.  (Repeat from May, I guess.)  I haven't been out of my comfort zone enough in the past year, almost not at all.  And for me, I think it's important to do that, so that element's been missing from my life.

2017 was a very passive year.  A re-visitation of things I'd experienced previously, almost entirely; very little that was new.  I think all of that brought up parts of my life and behavior and beliefs, thoughts, etc., that I needed to take a closer look at and see if they were actually my own, or some larger cultural, or societal idea that I'd absorbed over time.  To pay attention to what was driving my life, and to decide what of that I wanted to keep, by my own choice.  And that's all good, and I did a lot of that, and I let go of things that no longer served me (though, obviously, there's more.  There's always more: the stripping away of the chains and muzzles we've allowed, or even put on ourselves.  In acting, and in voice, it's removing the blocks to find your authenticity at the core.)

And I'm glad other people are making art/writing/dance/music/theatre/food, etc., but I've been almost 100% passively consuming theirs, and producing none of my own, which I need to do.  There is no sense of balance for me, as of late.

Later.

I met with a friend after work, to talk.  It was good to be heard.  Good for someone to want to know me, to talk about things that matter.  Also, somehow the oral history project I've been wanting to do (but had forgotten about) came up.  Having someone to be accountable to might help me make it happen.  That'll be a new project this year.  Just have to figure out how to start.