Random thoughts

Nature is crazy.  After a mild January, we have days of flurries.  The whole kitchen sink of weather on Saturday morning, from entering into a snow globe to rain to hail to sun.  And Sunday, warm enough to not wear gloves and to come back from the grocery store with my coat unbuttoned, the sun feeling warm.  An hour later, as I left for class, a bit of hail falling in the neighborhood.  Nothing Downtown, three hours later after class, the streets outside were damp from rain.  Back near home, it looked like it had snowed hard, the cars covered.  Someone later told me it had hailed from a while.  This morning, our front porch was an ice rink.

A Little Bit of Everything, February 24/L Herlevi 2018

A hummingbird keeps hovering outside my window, spying on me, and each time I look over, it speeds off.  All the camellia flowers have dropped; perhaps it would like me to put a feeder out.

I think someone told me a secret.

While walking to the bathroom, I suddenly knew the purpose of my life (at least, for now.)  That might sound implausible, but you know, I see no downside to pursuing it.  (And because that sounds so grandiose, I tried to tone it down with qualifiers when I wrote it down.  I originally thought it to myself as a joke, and then realized it was true.  It's pretty mundane, actually.)  It's not related to a specific "profession", and not quite as vague as "to love" or "to be kind" (which are a way of living, and worthy, but too vague, too broad, for me to find direction.)  And I've been already doing it, it was just liberating to have the realization; so that was more of a tap on the shoulder revelation, rather than a thunder clap.  At any rate, it's one less thing to be anxious about, so there's that.

Voice class is almost over.  I haven't figured out how to get through the vocal issue I'm having, might actually need to go see a speech therapist, and keep working the exercises, might be something that takes a while to change.  The class has been, however, super helpful for acting (it is an acting class, but not specifically only for actors): for breath, getting into your body, how to approach text, beat work (even if not specifically addressing that), vocal exercises, physical exercises, etc.

Had an insight last night while working on the text (RFK speech) I'm doing.  She asked me to change pitch, and this has come up before, going to the higher pitch is psychologically difficult, to consciously choose to do it...we change pitch all the time without really giving it much thought.  The choice feels vulnerable, exposed.  This came up in the singing class, singing in an upper range.  And it's a funny thing, because there's the "look I can sing this high note!" on the one hand, and "oh my god, everyone can hear me now that I have to sing this note alone I feel exposed (and found wanting?)" on the other.  Two competing thoughts battling it out.  It's vulnerable, because I still care, because it's out at my boundary.  Also, there's the idea that's floating around that higher voices (and those possessing them) are weak.  I wrote it down in a notebook somewhere, there's more to it.

Connection happens when our vulnerabilities meet; in the places we bleed.