Still tired

Oh, I'm feeling even more aggressive.  Would help to have somewhere useful to direct it, rather than wanting to rip someone's head off (and my job is working with the public, so it would be good if I didn't give into the impulse.) I can't focus, and then after saying I was exhausted, couldn't really sleep last night.  That'll get better, I think.  Finally took some magnesium this morning, and hoped I would wake up in time for work (turned on my phone to set an alarm, but it took so long to boot up, that I fell asleep in the meantime, but I did get to work on time.)

At one point I was asking for guidance and then later checked email (since I was already awake) and found I had received this email around 4 am which talked about what story you are telling yourself.  (The questions are: "Am I absolutely certain this story is true?" "How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?" and "What's one other possibility that might also make the ending to this story true?" It's from Marc and Angel's "Getting Back to Happy" blog.)  I don't really understand the third question, but in general, the questions help with all-or-nothing cycles of thinking.

Not only this, but a big part is feeling that one of us is more invested than the other.  One out of love, one apparently, as a business contract (and if only the latter, not a particularly fair one.  But at least I know what would be now.  Either way, I allowed myself to be used because I wanted/loved him, and he needed something from me, and so I'm mad at myself, too.)  I'm only responsible for what I want to do with that; for owning my expectations and disappointments.  For communicating better, at least from my end, whether or not they choose to listen.  For knowing what I want, and saying it.  For stop trying to prove my worth: people value you or they don't; you matter to them, or you don't.  It's all a choice, what or whom you choose to care or focus on; what or whom you love.  I'm not sure you can change that (how someone else values you) without selling your soul.

And sadly, none of this makes me any less pissed off. (The impersonal nature of the communication since he's gotten back...among other things.)  I wish I were.  (I also wish I could remember how this feels when I need it for acting, but I don't.  When it goes away, it will be gone.)

(And on a completely unrelated note, but one that relieves anxiety, just paid off a third bill that's been hanging over my head for a while.)