Still

Rage.  It's the emotion that causes women (typically) to be accused of being "psycho" by men (typically.)  Often the result of the former feeling: used, disregarded, unheard, unconsidered, ignored, etc. by the latter.  Whether that be deemed rational or not.  And it's easier to dismiss someone as psycho rather than dealing with what they need, that it might not all be on their irrationality.  That there might be a point, something unaddressed underneath it all.  That they feel invisible.

I can't even explain in any rational way why.  No one thing would warrant it in someone else's eyes.  It's, I suppose, not from what was said or done, but rather perhaps, what was not.  The not even on the radar consideration of how I feel.  That it's likely not going to be about me, or us, even if that had gotten better in recent weeks.  And again, not that that has to be there, but why have I stayed?  I was sure that I loved him.  Wanted to tell him.   Relationships default to who wants the least.  What makes me think that would change?  It's working for one of us. (Hence no reason to see a need or want the change.)

It's disempowerment.

So, there's that.

Tried to go to a Buster Keaton film tonight, but when I got there the door was locked.  The bus was late, but only by a couple of minutes, perhaps they cancelled it.  Walked back home for the exercise.

We have another ant infestation, can't figure out where they are coming from or where they are going, but they are crawling all over the silverware.  That'll be the rest of my night.  The other part was taxes, but those went fast.