What do we need to feel our own legitimacy?

Went to a preview of "Timon of Athens" last night, for my birthday.  (It was also, PWYC night, and I took a friend.)  It's not produced much, not even in Shakespeare's own lifetime.  I liked it, the cut was good, no extraneous elements.  My friend commented after, that he understood it well, and I think that's because the actors had a strong grasp of what they were actually communicating, and how to speak the language to get that across.  (There's a lot of text to memorize in Shakespeare, and in many productions, not all of that text always translates fully to the audience.  I mean sometimes you think you understand it, and then you experience an actor who really gets it across, and realize how much more there was to get.  This production had much of the latter.)  Language-wise, one of the tightest Shakespeare productions I've seen, especially: Michael Winters as Apemantus (wandering philosopher, and the one character who doesn't use Timon for his money, has no use for it), Mary Ewald as Timon, and Peter Crook as Flavius (steward to Timon).

The basic story is Timon is a wealthy man in Athens.  Lots of people flock to him, enjoy his hospitality, his generosity with his fortune; he gives until he is broke.  When he tries to ask for help of his former "friends" there is no one who will answer.  He goes out into the wilderness, living off of roots dug out of the earth, and curses all people.  He finds a hidden stash of gold, but is only interested in it to the extent that he can give it away in exchange for the promise of exacting harm on the citizens of Athens.  He dies.  There is no redemption in his life story.

There isn't much of a character journey with him, either.  He sees the world as all good, then all bad, there is no in between.  Money and power are good or evil for him, the end in themselves, rather than as the amoral tools to an end.  He goes from (possibly) naive to misanthrope, looking at how everyone fails him, where they take advantage, and not as the complicated individuals that humans are, spurning those who do offer loyalty or friendship (Flavius and Alcibiades), or perspective (Apemantus.)

My friend wanted to know what made him give so much, was there something lacking, did he not feel good about himself?  Could he not feel his existence was worthy among his fellow citizens without the ability to buy friendship, or was he truly innocent and big-hearted?  (Actually, the fact that there is no soul-searching on his part, when things turn for the worse, and that he also turns on everyone else, makes me agree with the idea that he lacks a belief in his own legitimacy.)  The characters of Apemantus, Flavius, and Alcibiades all have the depth of character to understand the human heart, to feel the hurt but reach beyond it, and for me, they gave weight and narrative to the story.

I came home to the upstairs choking in smoke, and the house is no-smoking.  I live upstairs and didn't want to breathe it in all night.  I left a note, (and the windows wide open) but refrained from contacting the landlord.  I always feel like a jerk if I assert myself, but I don't smoke.  I don't want to breathe it in all night (or at all.)  My needs and wants have to matter, too.

And, I started a eight-week voice class, for speaking.  We did these three drawings in class, and then shared them in small groups, and the other people threw out words that came to them when they looked at the picture, and we wrote those words down (for the first two pictures.) For the third picture, we have to come up with our own words, and then write a poem about/to our voice based on eight words from each picture.  Working on that made me realize I have a disconnect between my singing voice, and my speaking voice, and my feelings/blockages regarding both of them.  I need to spend some time with that.

All of these things, had me revisiting the idea of "taking up space."  The idea of how we are in the world, how we allow ourselves (or don't) to have legitimacy in the world.  How we assert our own needs and desires, not necessarily over everyone else, but also not to deny that they exist at all.  And how that's easier with some people/some situations than with others, where we fall back into behaving as if we had none.  We are here, we have a right to exist.  Always.

Going to a workshop to learn "kulning" or Nordic cattle calling.  I heard someone do it, and really wanted to learn it.  Then I found out someone was teaching a workshop.  I'll have to go find some Swedish cows to call when I'm done.

Moment three

Walking home across the park, toward the lowering sun, light illuminating columns of flying insects, feet crunching through dry leaves, air smelling of wood smoke, it occurred to me that this is the closest I'll get to camping this year.  An enjoyable moment, none-the-less.

This will be three, I think. It's not one particular moment, it's that I've been meeting a lot of doppelgangers lately, you know, dead ringers for people I know. I'll start talking with them thinking that I know them, and they'll talk to me as if they know me and then mid-way through the conversation I'll realize they are not who I thought they were, but don't admit it. And they are possibly being polite, possibly too embarrassed to admit that they might have met me but have forgotten my name. And so in this manner we carry on. It's weird because the conversation will usually be something personal. I think it's a fear of being perceived as rude, or trying to save face that keeps either of us from admitting that we've never actually met before.  It's awkward, yet amusing.

Sorry, I'm not feeling much clarity today. I am on vacation for the next nine days, from work that is, this is the first of the 22-hour school weeks, and I need to catch up on more life stuff. It's been about a year since I've taken a week off. Went and watered the garden earlier tonight. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I might actually get tomatoes this year. I never do. Been trying for years. They either have been undernourished, or the weather's been too cool, or the rats bit into them first, or they got late blight. They are doing well right now. (Hopefully, I don't lose the garden for it's over weediness this summer.) Fingers crossed on that one, too.

A Midsummer Night's Dream is on the radio. I still see my friends from college performing it when I read or hear it, in spite of the fact that I've seen it so many times since. Makes me smile (though not my favorite Shakespeare play, probably because I've seen it so much. And it's really long.)

Shakespeare

On a non-ranting note:), spoke to someone about taking his non-acting Shakespeare class this summer.  I'll have to see if I can swing it with work, use vacation time. I want to take a Shakespeare acting class next year, but this would be good for language and context beforehand. Plus I'm trying to study with as many different instructors as possible.

"Summer 2013 Four weeks, four genres: the histories, tragedies, comedies, and romances of William Shakespeare, their context, their quarrels, their legacies.The course is designed to expose readers of Shakespeare to the traditions of staging Shakespeare, to explore how productions have historically embraced, promoted, and challenged this supreme writer, to introduce this complex writer to artists of the theatre and to make these texts accessible for the daunted."-from the course description. Plus it's A-term...I am slightly insane, given how the rest of my summer is scheduled.  At least the days are long.