Christmas Eve

Seattle, December 21/L Herlevi 2015

Waiting.  So much more to do, so much I haven't gotten done, and part of my head basically screaming, and part of me calm and methodical: what gets done, gets done.  I'm waiting for laundry.  I have four hours until I have to go to rehearsal for singing tonight, and after that, driving.  (Which seems fine, so far.)

I woke up in the early morning, coughing.  Decided I should take the cough medicine, but needed to take that with food, so went down to find something to eat, ran into my housemate in the dark kitchen: we scared each other.  He was making soup as I rummaged through the fridge for cheese, said something about a midnight snack, but it was almost 4 am.  Thought the medicine would leave me groggy, but I'm fine.  Looked out the window just before going back to sleep and somehow convinced myself there was snow falling, so ran downstairs and walked outside: only rain, not nearly cold enough.  Someone was waiting across the street with a dog, a car pulled over and picked her up: travel.  But no snow.  No rain so far today, either.

My boss' boss heard me coughing and suggested I go to the doctor, so I did.  Not contagious, but she gave me prescriptions to calm my lungs down.  Walking Downtown to the bus stop after, decided to check out the gingerbread houses at the Sheraton, waited for close to an hour to view six pieces based on the Episodes I-VI of Star Wars.  The mood was festive and the pieces were cool.  Went to Pacific Place to see how it was decorated, walked into hear carolers singing and then the nightly "snowfall" so I stayed to see what that was.  It's like little sudsy drops, not sure what it's made of, doesn't seem to leave any residue.  It was packed, people were happy.  It was nice, I was trying to feel more "Christmas-y."  (Now I'm listening to the Christmas-music station.)

Episode IV, Sheraton, December 21/L Herlevi 2015

Episode VI, Sheraton Hotel, December 21/L Herlevi 2015

Yesterday, mid-day, the air was cold and damp, high rain clouds, the smallest of raindrops spitting down, but not overly gloomy, a wind picking up, made me want to be in some port city in England...also makes me happy, expectant for something good.  Feel like I need to go to a beach somewhere.  I still have errands to run.

Rushing back to work, air colder, increasing gloom, two women stop me, I say that I need to get back to work, they ask if they can sing me a carol, so I stop.  Say "yes," and listen as they sing "Silent Night" for me.  A moment of shared stillness, before rushing off again.

Went to Larson's (a Scandanavian bakery) to get some bread, forgot where it was, so parked and walked, a little confused by a lack of traffic; it's always a zoo on Christmas Eve.  After wandering a few blocks, realized I must be in the wrong neighborhood, and drove to the right one.  Not as ridiculous as last year (and I kinda' like it), I grabbed a number (only 27 ahead of me) and walked over to the fish shop to get something for Christmas dinner.  By the time I walked back in, they were on my number.  A little boy was excitedly pointing out the snowman Christmas cookies to me, his nose pressed up against the glass case.  The Danish Kringle's were flying out the door.  Someone said they bake 1,000/day and can't keep the table stacked.  (I bought cardamom bread, closest thing to Finnish pulla.)

More to follow.  Time to check the laundry.

April 30

Finally sold off the books just to not have them.  Waiting for someone to come buy the chair.  All morning Spot was cawing at me, sitting on the eave and watching me wash stuff in the kitchen sink.  I tried to feed him, but he didn't seem to want that.  Kinda' like me, I've barely been able to force down one meal a day for the past few weeks...can't eat when I'm stressed out (I believe that is the only time I can't eat) and I've been stressed out for long while.  Been running on caffeine.  It'll be good to know I'm out of here at midnight.

Back to packing.  And to figure out a script for tomorrow.

Hmmm.  Maybe I should just do one thing at a time and finish it; I'm driving myself nuts thinking about everything that needs to get done..most important is to get out of here.

I am way more ruthless in getting rid of stuff than I ever have been before...why did I keep all of this?

Last task for quarter?

Feeling slightly frantic, even without any caffeine.  Woke up early (4:30-ish) to make something for my task, it initially went disastrously, but somehow benefitted from being ignored for a while.  Will make it work.  Not sure if I should finish the prep or just use that as part of my task.  (There's plenty to do.)  Really need to get on a normal sleep cycle; although, I prefer doing the big projects when no one else is up: I can make a huge mess and not be in anyone's way.  And I really did.

I am in a void.  Incommunicado.  Will have to come up with the answers on my own; sending messages over a cliff that never get received, or if received, they are not getting answered.  It shouldn't work this way, but will make the decisions because they have to be made.  It feeds into my desire to control the outcome...I'll wait a little longer.  I'm trying to break that and my need to take responsibility for everything.

The sun has finally burned through the thick, cold fog.  Snow in the forecast next week; all the way down to sea level.  Anything can happen between now and then, still should clean up the old hiking boots.

Wednesday morning

My brain is parched and barren. The few, dry seeds rattling under the surface lie dormant. They are someone else's words waiting to grow and speak through me. Waiting for the right moment to flourish. Waiting for rain.

For better or worse, application has been sent. A bit of a relief to have it done.

Bitten

Was trying to weed to throw stuff into the yard-waste pick-up and unfortunately discovered a yellow jacket nest.  Or perhaps I should say, they discovered me. Pissed off (them, not me.) I got bit once or twice; the one that I slapped left a blood mark and swelling. Unbelievable how much it hurts. I don't even know how to describe it, intense stinging perhaps? Waiting for the nurse to call me back about what I should do. I've never been bitten by one before. I once had a wasp crawl up my pant leg and sting me, but that was the last time. I was maybe 10.  I'm trying to keep an ice pack on it. I'm paranoid that I'm going to have an allergic reaction so I imagine my tongue is swelling. I hope it's just my imagination. I'm not actually allergic to anything (well, there are foods that freak out my immune system, but not in a life-threatening kinda way.)

Okay, nurse called back. I feel kinda sick, but I think that's because I need to eat something. I'm waiting for the baking soda to neutralize the venom first, she said 20 minutes...I'm typing with just one hand, the bite(s) are in the crook of my left elbow. I'm just gonna keep singing myself now, listen for raspiness. I'm still paying off those earlier ER visits, I don't want to go. I don't even think anyone's home.  I should probably put a warning sign up.  The nest is in the ground, under a brick. Later.

On the bright side, gives my immune system something else to do. Been over three hours and I can still swallow, so I guess I can try to sleep. Nothing I've done has deadened the pain, but the swelling has gone down.