Friday

The birds seem to have broken out in song again this week.  Perhaps it's the slow lengthening of the days, the minutes of daylight added to the morning.  It's as if the sound had been turned back on, to fill a silence I hadn't noticed as emptiness.

Today is one of  the last of the freezing mornings for a while.  Hasn't been this cold in a few years.  Last year, I think we had one freeze.  Made for brilliant sunrises, and clear nights, a full moon, and the brightest Venus I can ever recall.  So bright, I thought it must be a plane in the sky, or a light on a tower somewhere nearby.  Brilliant skies, but no snow here.

Last night I tried to rush up to First Hill to meet a friend for a drink, thinking I could still make choir practice.  Ran late, last minute things at work I had to deal with: a vendor came in late, a lock malfunctioned, etc., and my lack of paying attention to time, meant when I looked at the time, we'd been talking for almost two hours, and I was already late, and in the wrong part of town.  We left, he walked me to my Downtown bus stop, via the scenic route.  I first resisted, my cautious nature out in force in my head, but little by little, gave in to the route (I would never have taken it, and by myself, it wouldn't necessarily have been safe after dark).  I would've walked on well-lit streets.  We cut through various buildings, and a park, trees still lit with holiday lights, water frozen, or on the way to frozen.  Buildings and stairwells generally deserted, but doors unlocked.  There was a certain thrill and magic in it, nothing particularly subversive about it, but it was fun.

I told him later that my "20-year old" would've approved.  My 40-something year old self has become cautious in ways I hadn't noticed.  There isn't anything necessarily wrong with that, but the observation of it hit me pretty strong.  And we change, sure, but sometimes it's so gradual.  And is it just a compromise here and there, changing in increments to do the expected?  And again that's not wrong, but I guess I'd a wished the choice to be more actively conscious; not just a change to blend in with what is acceptable in a generic sense.

And then is the magic magnified in sharing the experience with another human being, versus all the wonder one can experience on their own?  (I mean I can recall road-trips gone wrong, in reality, that stand out as favorite memories because the experience was shared.)

And then I fell asleep with youtube running in the background, which got into my dreams, the voice of a card reader saying, "and this is your soulmate" and I was escaping a friend (who was causing herself trouble in the dream, finally done with the drama, myself) by accepting a ride with an acquaintance (one probably 20 years younger than I, in real life), and trying to get away from the voice, thinking, can't we just see where this goes (and in the dream, I was already seeing someone else).  Why does everything have to be made bigger than what is already there?  It's just an acquaintance.  It's just ride home.  It doesn't need to be more than that.

Starting over

It's a new year (Happy New Year!), the sun is shining, and it's cold.  I'm doing this thing today where I devote 15 minutes to one thing.  Might only last for the day, might be a longer term thing...don't know, but I've been pretty scattered, and unmotivated.  Finally was able to drag myself out of the house late yesterday for an early New Year's/birthday party, just as hail began to fall outside.  I went to the bus stop anyway, rain poured, and snow was predicted, but we didn't get any.  Lot's of black ice this morning, though, half-way down the front stairs, and grabbing the mailbox for support, I wondered to myself, "Is this a good idea?"  Slipped a few times, and ran for a bus (bad idea with ice, did break two ribs falling on ice a few years ago, but catching it would mean less ice to slip on overall), and made it to the U-District in one piece.  Now it's mostly melted.

The other thing I'd doing this month is a money fast, no eating out, no going out, or buying coffee, etc (though I do have to renew a couple of memberships).  It'll help me see where I am mindlessly spending, and also, I'd still like to take a vacation this year, and will help save for that.  There was another resolution somewhere in the back of my head, something about giving up sugar, or increasing the amount of vegetables I ate.

Part of the 15-minute thing is to re-learn both Finnish and Spanish.  The Finnish will be harder as there is no translation in the textbook, and the words all look familiar...I must still have some notes, somewhere.  That started because I wanted to remember how to say, "Happy New Year!"  (Not in the book.)  I had to look it up online, but my guess was close, just spelled wrong; and now my 15 minutes are up:

Hyvää uutta vuotta!

Sitting in Seattle

Seattle is home 364 days of the year, on that 365th day, home is where I grew up, and I'm in Seattle, not there.  Spent a brief moment being sad about that, but it means I can sing my favorite carol with the Finns tomorrow morning before going and picking up my sister and heading to my parents' house.  I already sang once tonight, very slim (because I have access to a car) chance I'll get dressed up again and go to a midnight mass, right now I'm listening to the Northwest Boys Choir on the radio (usually I listen in the car, and god, is it beautiful this year.)

Anyway, I'm home 'cos I came down with some virus last night.  Think it's just a cold, but felt like crap.  Have been taking this immune tincture I found recently, and along with this vapor rub-type thing, seems to have made a huge difference: both sore throat and achiness have abated.  But I didn't get everything done that I needed to, hardly got anything at all done today, and I don't feel like driving.  The week was somewhat stressful; coordinated a big, convoluted, last minute office move (nine offices trading places) that had to get done before I went on leave, and a few people have had the flu, so germs are also passing around.  It got done (and I caught a virus.)

(This apothocary is big on using what grows around you to heal you; for instance, this tincture has evergreen tree parts, and elderberry in it.  Not all of her products are entirely local, she has a tincture with chocolate in it, but most of it is.)

Anyway, that's why I'm in Seattle.

Merry Christmas!

And with the wave of a hand

Well, just was informed that I no longer have a role that I was cast in a few weeks ago.  Was offered a smaller role instead, but I haven't answered yet.  (Or I can accept the promised pay for the role and just walk away, an offer I do appreciate, as the commitment was for Jan-Mar, and I've had to show up for casting calls on short notice, when I had other commitments already promised.  Also, I appreciate the integrity of the offer of the pay.)  Taking the smaller role would show that I do want to work, and there's integrity in that, and experience, I guess.  One of the other actors originally cast, was also downgraded to a smaller role (actually, if I accept it, we'd be in the same scene, one that was added in a rewrite.)  Mostly, getting the part made me feel legitimate, like I was doing something right, and now, I sorta' feel like a fraud, because for all the training I've done, I have nothing to show for it, really.  Also, I understood the role, the character's circumstance, but not how to balance the tension between two contrasting sets of direction, so what I ended up doing, didn't end up fulfilling either.  I shoulda' just made a strong choice and gone for it, (what John calls being "director-proof") but I didn't, I think I ended up too much in my head and immobilized.  Any action being better than none.  (And when are you ever ready?  Maybe it was too much of a role for me, maybe the smaller role is a better start?)

And the thing is, I wasn't really expecting to get cast when I originally read for it, I wanted the experience, but maybe the original call needed to be wider, so that more people were seen before a final decision was made?  I get you want the right person for the role, and that maybe I wasn't it...I had that happen in a former job (actually, more than once) where my boss offered a position to me, but the other bosses gave it to someone else, and I only found out about it when it was formally announced that the other person had accepted that position.  At least I was told before it was announced, this time.  But why the rush?  Something to keep in mind when I'm in the position of making those decisions.  (I have been in that position before, for other things, but it was a larger group decision.)  Again, from their side, they want the right person, but from my side, it makes trust harder, as if nothing is ever solid, that at any moment, the rug can be pulled away.  And yet, I suppose that's the case, as much as I want some sense of permanence, something solid, something sure, perhaps there is no such thing.  Learn what you can, and move along.

And somehow between this, and singing commitments, the acting class, the hot water and heat going out at the house during the cold snap, and a last-minute project at work, I finally am able to come up for air, and it's a week until Christmas.  Time flies.

I should re-read the script, and since I can't afford to do the acting class when it starts up again in a couple of weeks, maybe I'll book monologue coaching time.  Lots of stuff I could audition for, but don't have a monologue in a good place yet.  I think it's worth it, the changes I've seen in my classmates have been remarkable, some of the best monologues I've seen done.

Life is full of disappointment.  Maybe it means I suck, but maybe I don't.

Cold spell

Tonight the attic feels about 40 degrees.  Outside, the stars are out, and it's below freezing.  Tomorrow it might snow.  I feel like that overheated car ride to sing in Gig Harbor was not so long ago, riding in the same car, coming home in the same clothes, from a different singing gig earlier this week, only 60 degrees and 4 months separate the two.  I'm writing this wearing a t-shirt, a sweatshirt, a sleeping bag and four three blankets, and I can still feel the chill.

Last night, I decided to kill time by walking to my acting class.  Passed a man with a telescope aimed at the sky.  A hand-written note on the side with something about the moon and Saturn, 8-10 pm.  I never did really figure out what that was all about, and at any rate it was only a little after 5 pm at the time, but I had to get close to read the note, and he said I could look through the telescope, so I did.  Up close, half the moon, enough to see a bunch of craters.  I once waited almost two hours, late in the evening, for 30 seconds to look at Mars.  I don't remember what I saw, only the waiting in line, and all the other people waiting, for so long, for such a short glimpse.  To see what else is out there, I guess.  And other nights, looking at comets, thinking they just looked like a larger version of a blurry star that I could see with my naked eyes.  The moon last night was more detailed.  It's burned in my mind.

Went to see "A Christmas Carol" at ACT, a friend got me a discounted ticket.  (Which I realized I had left at home as soon as I got on the bus.  I pulled the cord to stop, but the stop wasn't really close to home, and there was no way I could walk home, get the ticket, and get to the theatre on time, so I decided to stay on, and take my chances with seeing if they could look it up.)  I was late, but they did honor the ticket, and I did get in a little bit after it started, there were eight of us, at that point, sat most of us in the back, but still was able to see it.

So, Dickens wrote the story in the early 1840's to bring awareness of the plight of the downtrodden in London society (and it did bring awareness, it brought about change), and this adaptation was written 41 years ago (by Gregory Falls), but it could've been written last week.  It felt very relevant.  We repeat the same cycles over and over again...how can we forget the past, and what didn't work, so easily?

In class, working on "Thelma and Louise" again, different scene partner, different scene.  It's going somewhat better, possibly because I am understanding beat work better, and because I've spent more time going through the script.  I don't think of her as a vortex anymore.  They are equally responsible, at one point Louise says that she didn't have to shoot him, "We were walking away."  And because of that choice, she ended up losing the one thing she wanted (and was offered.)

My hand is killing me (the good one), maybe a cortisone shot would help; nothing else seems to work.  My foot is finally improving, finally found a pair of shoes that don't hurt, have barely been able to walk for the past couple of months.

Cheers.

Thankful

So, the housemate that witnessed my freak-out about the toilet told me last night that he put on gloves and pulled out the paper.  I was going to say, "It's the little things,"  but that would diminish the action.  It was a huge thing.  It wasn't his problem to deal with (nor mine, but I usually do), and he did it anyway.  In a very major way, that's hard to explain, and regardless of his reasons, because, at times I feel like I am shouldering a boulder up a really steep mountain by myself, his doing this made me feel like I wasn't alone.  And for that, I am most grateful.

Monday

Still processing.

Went to a Posie's show the other night.  They were great, mostly played from "Solid States" (a few from "Frosting on the Beater" and a few from the other albums) but then for the encore brought out original line-up from "Dear 23" era and played some of that, and then some with Dave Fox on bass.  It was the best I'd seen them in a while, the lining up of life, I suppose.  It was also super cathartic.  (And then I ruined that by reading the news.)  I probably went to almost every show they ever played in Seattle, including record stores, solo stuff, etc..., back in the 90's, early 2000's.  My favorite Seattle band, possibly my favorite band.  Sorry, I can't think straight lately.  (Anxiety, stress...)

Went to "It's Not Too Late" by Markeith Wiley at On The Boards over the weekend, where he performs as "Dushawn" Seattle's first black, late-night tv host.  A seed of this played at NWNW a couple of season's ago, and was one of my favorite performances, so I was looking forward to it.  And I liked it.  Glad I saw it.  It challenged me in ways I'm not ready to express, because I haven't wrestled with the challenges enough yet, and how I face up to them (whatever that means.)  Doing a lot of that in the past couple of weeks.  There is a lot of change.

Haven't done anything for class in the past couple of weeks, so I have to tomorrow.

Had an audition yesterday.  For some reason, I had it in my head that it was a table read (I think I saw an early call that mentioned those words, but I might be remembering that wrong.)  So, I did script work.  In the end, in was improv work on situations from the script, so, more like a call-back, and on camera.  It was good, I need to get more comfortable with that anyway.  And maybe it was slightly easier than in the past because I had done a lot of script work; thought about the characters, their arc, the obstacles, wants, beats, etc.  Also, I knew a lot of the people in the room.  The most intimidating part was that the person that the story is about was there, which on the one hand was great, because we could ask questions, and on the other, scary, because what if we are offensive in characterization?  Had a singing gig after, it went well.  I think people were actually listening.  It was in a food hall, so people don't always listen, and the sound doesn't always carry well.  During a couple of songs though, it got super quiet.

At home, someone tried to flush a bunch of dirt and shredded newspaper down the toilet.  I had ten minutes to catch a bus to get to work, and actually stood there staring it down.  Considered donning gloves and pulling out the paper, but in the end left and caught my bus.  Texted the landlord (sorta' feel like a jerk about that, but I always feel like a jerk when I assert myself.)  It seems clean now, but not sure how that happened.  That was Saturday, no one has spoken to me since then.

But who puts newspaper in the toilet?  Sigh.

Disbelief

God I'm depressed.  My head hurts and I feel like I need to vomit.  Hate won today.

The rest of us need to work to make that a temporary state.

Inner and outer weather

Another day, another inch of rain: the new normal.  A relatively free weekend (no where I have to be), and am only now getting around to reading scripts (a screenplay I'm participating in a reading for in a couple of weeks-a really good screenplay, written by a former classmate-so need to do character work on two roles, plus Chekhov, plus continuing monologue work for class/auditioning, etc.)  Found a copy of Eric Morris' "No Acting Please," and am reading through that in hopes of finding exercises to help work through my blocks, help make me more available, physically, emotionally, etc.  Also found some Uta Hagen class DVD's at Scarecrow that I rented, but have yet to watch.  And I need to work on this music-cataloguing project before tomorrow morning.  All in all, grateful for the extra hour before then.

Sloshed my way over to the Farmer's Market this morning because I thought this apothecary would be there, and I was interested in an immune tonic, but they were not, in fact, at that market.  Must've read it wrong.  Lugged about 10 lbs of heavy produce home instead: my workout for the day.  (Winter squash, apples, massive cauliflower, carrots, a quart of broth in a glass jar, etc.  Had this fantastic mashed cauliflower a few weeks back, and keep thinking about it.  Easily as good as mashed potatoes, only better, as I didn't have any bad reaction to it.  Probably takes close to a week to recover every time I eat them.)

Elsewhere, feel like I'm on the threshfold of major change, and it scares the crap out of me.  Trying not to run away from it...do the work, do the work, do the work.  There's a lot of work.

Carry on

Decided to continue on in the class, and then will have to take a break when this session is over.  I wonder how much more I would've gotten out of my previous acting classes had we ever talked about beat work?  I think it was always assumed people knew what it was from some past experience.  I did the whole sequence starting from knowing nothing, and we never covered it...still, better late, than never.  It makes a huge difference.

Continuing the work on the Chekhov scene, just for fun; my scene partner is no longer in the class, but also wants to continue to work on it.  Re-visiting "A Doll's House," and "Oleanna," and also a Christopher Durang piece for monologues.  Not sure where we are with scene work, there were only five of us last night, and we all worked monologues; I think the goal is to to have 6-8 working monologues at any given time.  Still trying to get in touch with my inner five-year old.

I want to continue working on scene work for what to do when you don't have dialogue, and let's face it, if you're a woman, in most plays, you have large chunks of time when the male characters are talking, and you get one word answers, to their monologues.

Have a goal of dedicating an hour a day toward acting, whether that be reading plays, preparing for auditions, looking for auditions, working on scenes, writing, going to class, etc..., I just need to make the commitment, there is nothing to lose.  Also need to get on the long-range goal setting with the belief that if you don't know where you want to go, you won't get there.  You will always be thrown off course by every crisis that presents itself.  That'll still happen, but if you know where you want to be, you can at least right yourself.

Stayed up late and watched "White God," a Hungarian film about a mixed-breed dog, the mistreatment it endures, and it's eventual revenge.  Very hard to watch, but forced myself to see the full two hours of it.  Wasn't sure of the genre, could be considered a horror film, the way the unwanted dogs form an intelligent army, hunting down those that had mistreated them.  Some call it an allegory (and those two things can live simultaneously.)  There is this fight within the main dog between the good it had been, and the evil it had been turned into (through abuse), and in the end, when he faces off with the girl who had loved him (and to whom he had been her only real friend), it remains unclear which side wins out.

And then because I stayed up late to watch that, and the darkness of the mornings now, I woke up at 7:23...will be glad for the clock change this weekend.