Sitting around doing nothing

Another training over with.  Felt like it went deeper this year, but I guess that's how it is with any practice.  Someone asked a question earlier on in the week about what do you think about during the exercises (for lack of a better word.)  And of course, your imagination should always be going, but it's easy for me to forget that when I'm trying to remember how to physically do something, what that walk is like, when do we change direction, when do we look at someone else, what's next, that I forget it's still a theatre class.  Remembering that, and bringing myself back to a story, to breath, was super helpful.  Made everything I did easier, because I now had a reason for doing it, and an aim.

I'm happy, but I also feel like I had another break-up, not with any one person, but that I had this amazing experience that changed me, because of who else was in the room, and now it's over, which feels sudden.  And so, I'm also a little sad.  There's forward growth, and having what was learned and who I learned that with becoming a part of me, but no going back, and no holding onto it.  And this seems to be what I signed up for.  I mentioned it to a couple other people, they said they feel the same after working on shows. (This was like that because it was intense, and clown was definitely like that.)  I went out with a few classmates and a couple of their friends after the showcase.  One of the friends said what she got out of it was that when we were doing our "sentences" or whatever you call them, not "acting", with neutral faces, she saw a variety of people, faces, bodies, etc., and she found that interesting to look at all of us as people, and not as actors.  And someone else commented that when someone wasn't trying to "act" (trying to show something, as opposed to being) the person observing could see the change/expression appear throughout the whole body, not a forced thing, but something that grew out from an experience or imagination.  That's my end goal.

Anyway, we did the showcase on Thursday, and then had four hours of training last night (we'd only been having 2 1/2 for all the other days, because we spent the final part of class creating the slow tempo performance piece, and doing the Ki work.)  We also re-imagined the beginning of one of the longer things (phrases?) we do, "Luna," which I like better, because it no longer feels random to me.  And we did a bunch of partner work, which still feels like a junior high dance, and having to ask someone to "dance" (though, unlike junior high, the likelihood of "no, I don't want to work with you" is much lower, as everyone needs a partner.)  Still, the dread builds up...I worked mostly with people I hadn't yet, people who had been doing this work much longer.  It was good, bigger risks taken, something shifted.

Also, there is only committing to the thing, whatever that is, and I find that I do, even more so when I know I'm getting tired, even when I don't know what I am doing.  It's the return for getting to be there and doing the work with all of these people.

"Something changed,"...indeed.