Stories to remember

There is a bird with a very high-pitched wheeze outside my window, sharp, it cuts through all other sound.  The clouds are burning off, and soon it will be hot again, in the house.  Thankful for the lull over the past couple of mornings.  Have a bug to clean today, although, stopping to write is putting a bit of a drag on the energy.  Have cleaned a table, and put out new flowers.  At least that looks nice.

Looking at the photos people are posting from the reunion makes me a little regretful. I went to another friend's gig on Friday night, she was in our class as well.  The band before did an REM cover from about 30 years ago, and it was a strange, "where am I?" moment, could've been at a gig back in my 20's again, everyone knew the song.

Read a couple screenplays with former classmates yesterday.  Thankful that someone organized it, also a Meisner group for continuing practice.  Back to the idea that to do art, you need to practice it, but acting is hard to practice alone, since so much of it involves your reaction, to a situation, to another person.  Also, these people are really good at improv (we did improv for some situations after reading the screenplays a couple of times, to see what else came up.)  Really important for everyone, to see what the subtext is, what's going on, what each person thinks the scene is about.

Walking home from an ice cream shop the other day, I cut across the grass, so I could walk barefoot, and decided to check out the fig tree.  Someone was up on the tree, and threw me a couple of figs, the second one burst in my hand, so I ate it when I got home.  They were massive, and juicy, must've been the rain last week.  I appreciate fresh figs from the grocery store, but like any other fruit, so much better from the tree, almost not even comparable.

Earlier today, I went to shake someone's hand, and they bent as if to kiss it, but then stopped.  Someone I'd never met.

All this reading of other people's stories reminds me that I should write my own, things I want to remember, before I forget them.  (And then also, to give myself the liberty to make them into fiction, but not yet.)  And as I began cleaning, I came across undeveloped rolls of film, and I'm itching to get them developed.  They are old, I haven't shot film in a while.  Hopefully, some are from Finland, and from Portugal/Galicia (5 years old, now, I have a memory of taking pictures of some goats in Finistere, late in the day, before I got lost looking for Ara Solis, which doesn't exist.)  Can't get anywhere today to develop them, so will have to wait.  There's a lot of film, at least they are all in one place, now.

I should just dedicate 15 minutes to one area, then I won't get overwhelmed and might actually accomplish something.

Oh, poop, primary ballots are due on Tuesday, need to figure that out, lot of people running.

Holding

Not much going on.  Enjoying the moments of summer, hints of a feeling, a carefree-ness of being a child in the summer.  The feel of running through a sprinkler, bare feet through soft grass and clover, hot pavement...of moments where I don't have to do anything.  Happy laughter.  Birdsong  Insect buzz.  Breezes rustling the leaves, and how different each tree sounds.  Clouds pushing across the sky.  All the flowers in bloom, and the green abundance of summer.  The lingering, deepening colors of dusk as the stars begin to emerge, and the erratic flight of bats, replaces the erratic flight of swallows.  And then waking up to a soft, steady rain on Friday, with it's teenage memories of wishing for rain, because if it rained, we got a day off from the harvesting work.  Savoring all of that.

Was out sick a couple of days last week, possibly food poisoning, probably stress-related (too much drama in one very small corner of my life that is really eating at me, plus one of the people came into my workplace to talk about it, which, to me, was completely inappropriate, felt like they violated a safe place for me), feeling like my insides were being ripped out.  Almost went to the doctor, but 1) couldn't walk even a few feet without doubling over during the worst of it; and 2) didn't have a fever, so figured I'd wait it out.  Mostly just sat around and read cookbooks; I'd found some chairs with a "free" sign on my way home earlier in the week, and had dragged them home to use in the backyard.  The house blocks the afternoon sun, so the backyard stays fairly cool, even when the house gets unbearably hot.

My high school graduating class has a reunion this weekend.  I'm not going.  I don't mind the first social night, but find the dinner awkward, being single.  I have a couple other commitments over the weekend in town, and I'm saving up to finish paying tuition for a class I've signed up for that starts in early September.  The reunion itself was inexpensive, and a couple people offered to give me a ride up there (which I appreciate; car rentals in the summer are expensive), but I'd still need to have found a place to sleep, since I can't stay at my parent's house.  That said, I do need to go up and visit my family soon.  I have gone to three of them, plus a homecoming gathering one year.  (The post-dinner bonfire does sound like fun.)

Been trying to write, but have been too distracted.  Went to this St. James' event on Saturday, his feast day is July 25.  It was a pilgrim thing, we walked from St. Mark's to St. James, and then came back for a potluck.  (The food was fantastic.)  I really need to go on vacation.  Saw a flight for a little over $600 to Madrid, and a similar one to London.  Have that class coming up, though, so can't really take a lot of time off.  Maybe I'll just go camping.

Food stuff

Been obsessing about this banana "cake" recipe, so finally made it this morning for a potluck earlier today.  Too sweet, and the baking time said "1 hour at 350 F," at 30 minutes it looked like it was burning, so took it out.  It's a little dry, is actually a recipe for cookie "bars" but is halfway between a cake and a bar.  There was another recipe for a cream cheese frosting, so I added that, that one needs to be tweaked, as well.  Now I feel the need to tweak it so it works.  I have a memory of something I had as a child, in reality, it probably came out of a vending machine, but it was some sorta' banana cake.  Have not come across anything similar since.  This one was from that cookie book I asked my mom if I could have awhile back (I think it's from the early 1960's.).  I have a lot of cookbooks/recipe magazines, I'm gonna attempt to make something I haven't tried before from them.  (Which is a lot, for instance, I've only ever made two recipes out of this one before, oatmeal, and peanut butter cookies.  Some of these Spanish recipes are quite involved, and then I have one I bought at the airport in Helsinki that uses various weeds.)  I'm not doing any acting at the moment, and I need a project.

Today

Found a free workshop to make nocino, so went to that and made some.  Instructor gave me a pile of black walnuts, so made some with those, as well.  I opened them to add more vodka (next time I'll use everclear, will keep longer), and they smell really good.  She suggested letting them sit for three months.  She had one she forgot about that sat for a year.  So, that's done.

Tended bar at the Seafood Fest, again.  Ended up working with almost the exact same crew as last year, though it took me a while to figure that out.  Went home and fell asleep and then came back to see Mudhoney.  Looking around at the crowd, people my age and older (mostly) around me, people that were in college during the Grunge era.  People dancing.  And easily as many women my age, as men in the area around the stage.  It was what I needed.  I found it cathartic (as it all was back in the day) with the state of the world being what it was/is.

And then yesterday, really just done with humanity.  Partially, it's our lack of big-picture thinking; our inability to take responsibility for our actions, and to admit that we are wrong (when we've made a mistake), or the unwillingness to even make a mistake...so, we get stuck, dig into camps, rather than look at how things could be better.  How everything is moving toward a "corporate" model, where the only outcomes that matter are money, and watching the joy and life being sucked out from places where they used to exist.  And how I just wanted to say "screw it" and sell everything, and leave town without letting anyone know (my self-destructive tendencies kicking in) and start over and re-invent myself.

And there is a growing lack of nuance (which might be in part, due to our need for immediate answers, and instant gratification, and high levels of distraction from technology), and the ability to see one another as fully human, embracing both heroic, and not so heroic traits, we put people on pedestals thinking they must have all the answers, and then knock them down when they don't (an impossible ask, we are not gods, afterall), instead of taking what is useful and learning from it, so we are always re-inventing the wheel (or as they say, "throwing the baby out with the bath water.")  Most things aren't all or nothing, and people are complicated.  And from headlines and news stories, you'd think we are all "amazed" "astonished!" when someone we deem "bad" does something heroic, or someone we deem "good" does something bad or detestable in our (greater society's, or whomever claims to speak for that) eyes.  All of those possibilities dwell within all of us, just a matter of choice, or a series of choices over time.

I've dealt with some of it, and feel different today, as if I were a different person.  Maybe one better fed, and away from social (and other) media, and not feeling singled out (as I was yesterday.)  One who can see and trust the good in others (as opposed to the fear, which says some frightening and repugnant things; or an unwillingness to question things, a lack of engagement in critical thinking, which is important for a functioning society), and that there are other people with hope, and curiosity, and creativity, and openness, and the willingness to listen, who are willing to be wrong, and willing to change, because the new information allows that to happen.  Still fatigued, and carrying too much, but better some days.

Oh, god, and still need to quit some of these things.  It saddens me, but the joy that I found there once has been sucked out.  Not worth continuing as is...and since it was where I got energy to do other things, not gonna fight this one.

Back to it

Already awake, heard a crow caw, first from one side of the house, than the other, so looked out the window: Nothing.  Shortly after going back to bed, "BOOM!"  Someone in the neighborhood lets off a super loud firework.  Reverberation.  Why????  Who lets off a firework at 5 am?  Just the one.  I had to get up anyway, but a lot of people must've taken today off, very light traffic.

And I like watching the fireworks.  I was watching more sugar-related videos (health consequences, more on that in a later post), to kill time before walking down toward Lake Union.  Checked the time, 10:20 pm, figured I could leave at 9:40 or something.  Didn't actually get out of the house until 10 pm.  No one around.  Tried to walk fast, as I'm on the back side of a hill, and thought that if I could get to the ridge I would be able to see them...not in reality, too many trees.  Finally, figured out that I was too far to the east, so walked over to my old street, and made my way down to a park near the bottom (where I've gone before, long ago).  At various points running down the hill, and then stopping and walking because I felt sorta' dorky for running to look at fireworks.  At any rate, saw about the last ten minute, and then managed to walk most of the way home with people around.  (Not usually the case.)

Got in an extra couple of miles for the day, in addition to the beach, and the stairs to and from the beach.

Bought everything for the nocino, couldn't find a large glass container, so found a growler on sale (narrow neck, but will probably work with the walnuts chopped), and two bottles of juice, which were also on sale.  Not gonna do it tonight, so, guess I'll get up early.  The recipes vary pretty wildly, where some add the sugar at the beginning, but most at it as a syrup after 40 days.  Some say place in cool, dark place to sit, others say to put in the sun.  Another one says to pour the sugar over the walnuts, set in a sunny spot for two days, bring back inside and cover with the alcohol...wildly different starting points, though all say 40 days more or less, before straining.  We'll see.  Hopefully, it's not a bad thing that I have metal lids, some pictures had regular canning jars with metal lids, other recipes specifically say glass, but those are hard to find in the 'hood.

(And I know why I rarely buy alcohol, even on sale, the taxes on the bottle added another $10 to the price. So the bottle listed at $14, ended up being $24.  Yikes!  Not how I usually would spend money.)

Fourth of July, Morning

Smoke billows high over the road and up into the trees.  The scent of charcoal burning, followed closely by the ocean, of seaweed, hits me as I cross the road into the park.  Golden Gardens, Fourth of July.  People setting up and staking out land for potlucks and bbq's, family and work gatherings.  I change my mind about heading toward the water first, and turn to go check out the pond at the end of the parking lot.  It's higher, a few ducks, evidence of beavers, no turtles yet.

Head toward the beach: the tide is out, way out.  There's more beach than I've ever seen, and it looks possible to get to Carkeek Park and back, so I start walking that way.  A woman stops me and asks if I'll photograph her in front of a big rock, she says her mother likes the rock.  I mention something about walking north, she convinces me to go for it, says I might have to wade on the way back (I do, long stretch near North Beach where the incoming tide is above my knees for close to 100 feet.)  She says it's the lowest tide of the weekend (-2.9), around 11:30 am, I think I have time.

I've always wanted to walk there, but never hit the tides right.  By some fortuitous timing, due to stopping to get coffee and a bagel (Fiore, one of my favorite coffee shops), I hit it right today.  Was actually just going to sit somewhere and write, hadn't been paying attention to the tides.  Didn't get any writing done.  Walked 2/3 of the way back barefoot, easier going, lots of sand and didn't have to worry about my shoes getting wet, and it was faster walking on the sand.  (Heading north, the area close to Carkeek was actually harder to cross with shoes, lots of water flowing down to the beach.)  I just looked it up, about 4 miles roundtrip.

Pictures:

Big Rock, July 4/L Herlevi 2016

Going Out, July 4/L Herlevi 2016

Scallop Shell, July 4/L Herlevi 2016

Sunday

Have yet to deal with the walnuts, made refried beans though.  Find it's probably just as well to buy them in a can, probably cheaper, in the end, and it's kinda' a long process: soaking, cooking, cooking again (because I got around to boiling them pretty late last night) and pureeing them.  They tasted fine, just a lot of work for the sake of a taco.  (Although, making them from scratch, you avoid exposure to BPA.)

Made me think about gardening, too.  I think there's a pride thing in growing pumpkins or good tomatoes, but if you were trying to grow things to save money, the things here would be: green beans, peas, kale/mustard (though, those aren't expensive, but along with lettuce, it would give you the option of picking what you needed, instead of having it go to waste in the fridge, since if you buy it from someone else, and you're cooking for only yourself, they often start to disinegrate before you get to them...for me, anyway), herbs (probably the best bang for the buck), berries, zucchini, tomatillos, and rhubarb.  And then any heirloom varieties you want to try, although, if you live near a farmers' market, someone probably sells it.  I was thinking about this because I could better use my allotted space.  (I try zucchini every year, but never have any luck with it.  Last year, all of my squashes produced only male flowers, until late September, by which point, I needed to pull them up.  I can't figure out why.)  I might get beans and pumpkins this year, fingers crossed.

Finally fulfilled a promise to help file a bunch of choral music (one of the choirs had been out of our space for most of the year, so we had stacks of music that needed to be put away) today, so, now I don't have to think about it anymore.

And had the odd thought (for me, since I often find myself at odds with the idea, i.e., sometimes I want a plan, and then on the other side I want freedom - usually, at the same time, that would be the Capricorn with Aquarius rising) but right now, with so much uncertainty, it feels better to have something to work toward, even if it feels overwhelming, than to have nothing to work toward, to be stagnant and lost.  In that corner of my life, I feel more excited than anything else:  anything could happen, and that might be a good thing.  It's ours to carry.

Lots of sirens tonight, never seem to let up.

Glorious long weekend

And I'm sitting around in the house.

Ended up with a bag of green walnuts, so, looking up, and comparing, recipes for nocino (green walnut liqueur) and trying to motivate myself to go out an buy a bottle of vodka, and a big enough container to hold it.  My reticence is both that if I'm home I have a hard time motivating myself to go out (I'm fine if I'm already away from the house; though, all I've done today is to go for a walk, and go to the farmers' market), and a fear of poisoning myself.  I think the chance of the latter is slim, actually, the vodka and sugar probably kill off anything scary.  At any rate, you mix it up and it sits around for 40-60 days, then you strain it into sterile bottles, and let it sit around for a couple more months, and voila.  I don't even really drink much, but it sounds interesting.

Finally saw a rough cut of the film today, it's pretty good for a rough cut, it flows well, especially considering how it was shot.  I think I'm a bit aggro, but maybe there are takes where that is not so much.  Everyone else seems good, to me.

I've been exhausted for the past couple of weeks.  Not even that I need to sleep, though that would help, but that I just lack the energy to move.  Feeling about 30 years older than my actual age when I garden, I just sorta' slowly shuffle around, barely getting anything done, my back's messed up, but it's not just that.  Been taking iron in hopes that it helps, I'm pretty sure I'm anemic, and it seems to be slowly working.  (I was anemic until I went on the Pill, and started eating red meat, but I went off of it over a year ago, and it's a toss up...in some ways I feel better (more emotions), but in others worse (no energy), so...)

The nearest liquor stores seems to have closed it's doors for the time being.  I should probably do something with these walnuts before they rot.

The black duck is a she, and has a few chicks.

Chicks, July 2/ L Herlevi, 2016

Goose, July 2/L Herlevi, 2016

How they are now, July 2/L Herlevi, 2016