Back to Life

Back to doing more acting (formalized) training after a mostly stagnant (black hole of a) summer.  Makes me excited about life again.  The idea came up from two others tonight, and for me last week in the Meisner group:  "Why is some past failure keeping us stuck?"  That super-introverted, terrified, 12-year old who was unprepared to give a speech, and just stood there and stared back at her classmates doesn't have to define me...and yet, always comes back to this.  And I tell myself that I didn't actually know how to write a speech, it's not like we were given any instructions on how to step-by-step create one...I don't know, maybe I missed that year, or class or whatever, but I didn't know how to start.  At least I know it's a trigger.  Telling myself I can learn, using logic on it, doesn't exercise the ghost.

And the thing is, you can learn.  You can break it down to the bones and build it back up.  That's what Meisner was for (as far as acting goes.)  (And on that note, I need to find my notes on working with text, since we have to prep a scene/character before next week.)  And getting over all this, this being in front of people, this saying something, was why I started taking acting classes in college, though deep down, perhaps I always wanted to be an actor, a performer, I just didn't think I had the talent.  I probably didn't.  (And talent can also be a burden, what if you are naturally good at something, so you don't try something outside that realm that you might like, or if you don't want to pursue the talent, but feel a pressure to, because, "Oh, but you're so gifted!")  But again, it's more about learning how to work, and then doing the work, and showing up and failing, and learning, and showing up and failing, and learning, and growing, and getting better, than it is about innate talent.

And yet our culture has a bias against failure; the whole idea that failure makes you "a loser."  And we live in fear of being seen as a loser.  How many times have we held back because of that fear?  The fear of incompetence, of being found out, of being judged.  Most of us won't know we can be good at something we've never done before, or that if we do the work, that we can get good at it.  At some point, you just give it a shot.  And lately, I find myself cowering, guarded, holding back.  I wasn't always like this.  I was once more gutsy, cared less about being judged and found lacking.  Someone has said they've finally learned to cut the negative voices out of their life, to only be with those that challenge you to be better, or that lift you up.  Although that's harder to do when you've internalized the voice, let it hold a seat of power without questioning its right be be there.

Just a matter of doing the work, to eventually prove that voice, that memory wrong.  Wrong about defining me.  Wrong about defeating me before I even start.  Wrong to make up excuses and live in fear.

Oh, and we're all supposed to go out and get ourselves an agent by the end of the eight weeks.  Which means, I have to stop making excuses and cough up the money for head-shots.  Stop making excuses.