Me too

This conversation was taking place in the early 90's ("No means No" "I didn't call it rape."), and I imagine it's happened in various places, communities, and times over the years.  I applaud those who have tried to begin the conversation, but right now we have the convergence of awareness and platform to do something about it, and we should run with it, and not shut each other down with finger pointing and who has it worse, and who has been more aware, and who said it first.  This (toxic masculinity, status quo, abuse, harassment) needs to stop.  Now.  With us.

(Not including everything, and not including harassment and discrimination, which are sadly ubiquitous):

My first memory of what I will call a "sexually-motivated" assault I was 14.  It was a physical "roughing up" because I didn't like someone who liked me and he wasn't okay with it.  (He wanted to know why I liked some other guy more than him.  I answered it honestly.  An instance of non-ambiguity, but he punished me for it.)  He yanked my arm and flung me around back and forth, finally letting go so that I fell and slid across the wet grass, staining my pants.  As far as I can remember, he walked away after.  It made my arm hurt.  My friends were there, but I don't think they understood what had happened.  I didn't talk about it, I hated him after that, and we ran in the same circles, so I had to be around him a lot. I witnessed other anger issues with him.  I wrote a short story about the incident that my teacher wanted to publish, but I chickened out, afraid of backlash, afraid no one would believe me.  He was more popular than I was.  I later regretted not publishing it.

The second one was in high school, in my car, someone who had been my friend for a long time, who asked for a ride home.  More of a creepy mauling session.  I told two friends about it later, never spoke to him again.

Post-college, a friend I had a crush on, hit on me at a party, and mind you, I would have slept with him under better circumstances (consensual, non-forced, not in the dirt), however it got scary, aggressive, rough, really fast, and he forcibly shoved me down into the dirt.  The only reason it didn't progress to rape was he had to get off of me to vomit (drunk), and another man had been looking for me and showed up at that point, I got up and ran away.  I told my friends.  (I somehow repressed this one, and remembered it during the election.)

My first time in Spain, in 2005, I was forcibly grabbed and kissed on the mouth two times (by two different men, both times, there was no one else around), and then fondled by a third; all on the same day.  It freaked me out, and pissed me off, because I wanted to travel alone, and I no longer felt safe.  (It also pisses me off that I get discounted on the forums for mentioning it.)

I haven't really talked about it because of not wanting to deal with the emotional backlash, that I had asked for it, that it didn't qualify as assault.  Broken trust and ensuing harassment.  It wasn't until recently, when I mentioned the kissing thing, that a man on a forum told me that it was sexual assault, gave me a permission to give the experience a name.  To let go of the shame that I "asked for it" (especially the car and the party incidences, yeah, I had ambiguity-in the car, I just tried to endure it), to give myself the permission to say "No." I don't think I believed that I could (for a whole host of complicated reasons that I'm still dealing with, I didn't own my own sexuality/body, and I thought I had to give in or I was forever a prude.  I was confused about what was and was not okay.  It was uncharted territory, no guidance, no map.)