Wednesday

I know my situations are not extreme, (though the kissing things were kinda' terrifying, as they happened in deserted places, with no real escape.  For the first one, I somehow got away from, the second, I started beating with a walking stick I was carrying until he let go, because he had gripped my arm and had started to pull me down the road.  I was backpacking, so it was easy to throw off my balance with the pack weight.)  But that's the thing, how many of these happen every day that people brush off, and what does the accumulation of them do to you?  Who do you tell?  What do you tell?  And at what point has it escalated to a point where it's considered legitimate?  That people believe you?  That anyone takes you seriously, and doesn't tell you you should see it as some sort of compliment?  (The first two people I told said the second man was harmless, only kissed them on the cheek.  Didn't feel harmless to me when he was trying to drag me down the road.)

How does it affect your ability to trust others?  Trust yourself?  Set boundaries, know that it is your right to?  To take care of yourself over considering how your response to the unwanted advance makes the perpetrator feel, essentially giving their behavior more legitimacy than your own right to decide what is and is not acceptable to you?  Because you've been taught to take care of everyone else, even if someone else is harming you; because to stand up for yourself might make them "feel bad."  And at what point did you capitulate to protect your own safety, whether that be actual survival, or to not be socially isolated (because for all the bravado, it's a hard choice to be a social outcast)?

Been feeling triggered all day.  Crying, out of memory, and out of gratitude to the man that believed me.  That validated my experience.  That gave it a name, said that it was wrong and that he was sorry I had experienced it.  Gave me a way out of the nebulous void I'd been stuck in.

Unexpectedly, got to play with a puppy for a while yesterday afternoon, which was good.

And I have a lot of good people in my life.  Am grateful for all of them.

These things help, but, so many people re-living now, what they never should've had to experience at all.  The abuse needs to end.