Wow, just received a text, offering support (institutional, as well as moral, i.e., they like the idea, think I should go ahead, as well as are giving the okay to go and do it, etc.) for a project I want to do. Now I need to figure out how to start, what I need, what are the right questions, etc.
Also, someone gave me their contact info regarding headshots, and a co-worker offered some advice (which now seems obvious) regarding a direction I hadn't even considered.
I can't figure out what's going on with the bank, they refunded the money, but they still need to do an investigation? I had a convoluted conversation with someone on the phone (because I had received two emails to call). I think we both left confused, though I don't blame him. He was nice about it, at any rate.
Guess, I've run out of excuses for "why not?" do things.
Spending my evening, now, researching, and brainstorming questions, people to contact for advice, and listening to an outstanding broadcast of "The Roadhouse" on KEXP. Seriously, so good.
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Eh
I've got sugar cravings like crazy. Alcohol is definitely easier for me to let go of. Found some re-hydrated figs in the fridge at work I'd forgotten about, and ate a few of those (figs and water). Yesterday, found a packet of almond butter in my desk (unexpired), and ate that with a banana; kinda' made me feel a little sick after, which cured the sugar craving at any rate.
The good part of this, is that it saves me money. Had a low-balance alert from my bank yesterday morning. Thought that I must've spent more over the long weekend than I thought, but then decided to check my account to see where I'd done that. Well, no, wasn't extravagant spending, my bank paid a bill 2x, and emptied my checking account out in the process. I called to try to reverse one, but they wanted me to fill out paperwork to report a fraudulent transaction (which it wasn't, it was a double payment.) Then I decided to go into a branch to talk to someone. It got half-resolved, but was still told it was my fault (I've paid these the same way online for probably eight years without an issue, and this payment was no different than any before it.) The (minor) downside is that I'm broke, but the bills I have to pay immediately have been paid, and I think I have enough food to last for the next week, so I think I'm okay.
The bigger upside is that it was the kick in the butt I needed to extricate myself from that bank (I owe them money, and was staying with them to finish paying it off), so, I've started that process, which is good.
The other upside is that in the past, I would've freaked out and made myself sick over all this (having four dollars for the next week in my checking account), but I'm not. There's no (emotional) charge there. I'm thinking about it different (what can I do right now vs. "how am I going to get through the week, I'll starve to death" overreaction.) The desire for the b.s. and drama rises, but drops back down. Hoping this is a new way of being for me. (Been moving in this direction for the past year; at least that I can outwardly tell.)
The good part of this, is that it saves me money. Had a low-balance alert from my bank yesterday morning. Thought that I must've spent more over the long weekend than I thought, but then decided to check my account to see where I'd done that. Well, no, wasn't extravagant spending, my bank paid a bill 2x, and emptied my checking account out in the process. I called to try to reverse one, but they wanted me to fill out paperwork to report a fraudulent transaction (which it wasn't, it was a double payment.) Then I decided to go into a branch to talk to someone. It got half-resolved, but was still told it was my fault (I've paid these the same way online for probably eight years without an issue, and this payment was no different than any before it.) The (minor) downside is that I'm broke, but the bills I have to pay immediately have been paid, and I think I have enough food to last for the next week, so I think I'm okay.
The bigger upside is that it was the kick in the butt I needed to extricate myself from that bank (I owe them money, and was staying with them to finish paying it off), so, I've started that process, which is good.
The other upside is that in the past, I would've freaked out and made myself sick over all this (having four dollars for the next week in my checking account), but I'm not. There's no (emotional) charge there. I'm thinking about it different (what can I do right now vs. "how am I going to get through the week, I'll starve to death" overreaction.) The desire for the b.s. and drama rises, but drops back down. Hoping this is a new way of being for me. (Been moving in this direction for the past year; at least that I can outwardly tell.)
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Ennui.2
Ah, and now I'm bored out of my skull, again. Something's got to change, dream bigger? Dream, at all? Feeling unfulfilled, and yes, first world problems, blah, blah, blah, but out of survival mode, people work for something greater in their lives. There must be more to life than an endless series of lazy Sunday afternoons spent dozing (alone) while the radio plays pleasantly, repetitively, non-challenging background buzz. Don't say that I "Should focus on others and do for others...to feel better" been doing for others at the detriment of myself, little pieces of my flesh, pieces of my soul given away, majority of my life; putting out fires while letting my own dreams die, because I didn't know how to take care of myself in the midst of so much chaos, so, no, not the answer. (Though, obviously, there's a balance to be reached.) Done with the guilt, though, if I don't change something in my life, I'm going to lose my mind.
And I'm not an adrenaline junkie, so, it's not that; I just want something that feels fulfilling. So much passivity and ennui. (Repeat from May, I guess.) I haven't been out of my comfort zone enough in the past year, almost not at all. And for me, I think it's important to do that, so that element's been missing from my life.
2017 was a very passive year. A re-visitation of things I'd experienced previously, almost entirely; very little that was new. I think all of that brought up parts of my life and behavior and beliefs, thoughts, etc., that I needed to take a closer look at and see if they were actually my own, or some larger cultural, or societal idea that I'd absorbed over time. To pay attention to what was driving my life, and to decide what of that I wanted to keep, by my own choice. And that's all good, and I did a lot of that, and I let go of things that no longer served me (though, obviously, there's more. There's always more: the stripping away of the chains and muzzles we've allowed, or even put on ourselves. In acting, and in voice, it's removing the blocks to find your authenticity at the core.)
And I'm glad other people are making art/writing/dance/music/theatre/food, etc., but I've been almost 100% passively consuming theirs, and producing none of my own, which I need to do. There is no sense of balance for me, as of late.
Later.
I met with a friend after work, to talk. It was good to be heard. Good for someone to want to know me, to talk about things that matter. Also, somehow the oral history project I've been wanting to do (but had forgotten about) came up. Having someone to be accountable to might help me make it happen. That'll be a new project this year. Just have to figure out how to start.
And I'm not an adrenaline junkie, so, it's not that; I just want something that feels fulfilling. So much passivity and ennui. (Repeat from May, I guess.) I haven't been out of my comfort zone enough in the past year, almost not at all. And for me, I think it's important to do that, so that element's been missing from my life.
2017 was a very passive year. A re-visitation of things I'd experienced previously, almost entirely; very little that was new. I think all of that brought up parts of my life and behavior and beliefs, thoughts, etc., that I needed to take a closer look at and see if they were actually my own, or some larger cultural, or societal idea that I'd absorbed over time. To pay attention to what was driving my life, and to decide what of that I wanted to keep, by my own choice. And that's all good, and I did a lot of that, and I let go of things that no longer served me (though, obviously, there's more. There's always more: the stripping away of the chains and muzzles we've allowed, or even put on ourselves. In acting, and in voice, it's removing the blocks to find your authenticity at the core.)
And I'm glad other people are making art/writing/dance/music/theatre/food, etc., but I've been almost 100% passively consuming theirs, and producing none of my own, which I need to do. There is no sense of balance for me, as of late.
Later.
I met with a friend after work, to talk. It was good to be heard. Good for someone to want to know me, to talk about things that matter. Also, somehow the oral history project I've been wanting to do (but had forgotten about) came up. Having someone to be accountable to might help me make it happen. That'll be a new project this year. Just have to figure out how to start.
Wednesday, January 10, 2018
Later
Well, I missed the actual workshop (that was last night), but learned about the calls, traditionally, cows were herded by pre-teen/teen girls, disappeared with industrialization of farming, though, in Norway, there is now a requirement of outside grazing for cows for part of the year, so some people are learning the calls again. Peggy Larson did a presentation including calls and songs. I'm still intrigued with learning how to do it, but that'll be more of an effort on my part to seek out someone to teach me. (Sorta' thing you could strain your vocal folds/throat with if you tried to do it without proper warm-up, breathing, etc.)
The event I ended up at was more of a business meeting/dinner/fundraiser/program. A friend had said it was okay if I showed up, so I did, not knowing what it was. She just let me in, but I ended up donating the cover anyway, so it all washed out. I knew two people there, plus the accompanist came in and sat next to me, and I'd sung with her in the past (though, we hadn't ever spoken much), didn't know she was a jazz pianist.
It was an interesting evening, and oddly, the most comfortable I've been in a room in ages (not that I'm usually uncomfortable, but as if I'd always been a part of it and it was perfectly natural for me to be there, if that makes any sense.) Not sure what that was about, but I still feel that centeredness now that I'm back home. Hard to explain, but I'll take it.
The event I ended up at was more of a business meeting/dinner/fundraiser/program. A friend had said it was okay if I showed up, so I did, not knowing what it was. She just let me in, but I ended up donating the cover anyway, so it all washed out. I knew two people there, plus the accompanist came in and sat next to me, and I'd sung with her in the past (though, we hadn't ever spoken much), didn't know she was a jazz pianist.
It was an interesting evening, and oddly, the most comfortable I've been in a room in ages (not that I'm usually uncomfortable, but as if I'd always been a part of it and it was perfectly natural for me to be there, if that makes any sense.) Not sure what that was about, but I still feel that centeredness now that I'm back home. Hard to explain, but I'll take it.
What do we need to feel our own legitimacy?
Went to a preview of "Timon of Athens" last night, for my birthday. (It was also, PWYC night, and I took a friend.) It's not produced much, not even in Shakespeare's own lifetime. I liked it, the cut was good, no extraneous elements. My friend commented after, that he understood it well, and I think that's because the actors had a strong grasp of what they were actually communicating, and how to speak the language to get that across. (There's a lot of text to memorize in Shakespeare, and in many productions, not all of that text always translates fully to the audience. I mean sometimes you think you understand it, and then you experience an actor who really gets it across, and realize how much more there was to get. This production had much of the latter.) Language-wise, one of the tightest Shakespeare productions I've seen, especially: Michael Winters as Apemantus (wandering philosopher, and the one character who doesn't use Timon for his money, has no use for it), Mary Ewald as Timon, and Peter Crook as Flavius (steward to Timon).
The basic story is Timon is a wealthy man in Athens. Lots of people flock to him, enjoy his hospitality, his generosity with his fortune; he gives until he is broke. When he tries to ask for help of his former "friends" there is no one who will answer. He goes out into the wilderness, living off of roots dug out of the earth, and curses all people. He finds a hidden stash of gold, but is only interested in it to the extent that he can give it away in exchange for the promise of exacting harm on the citizens of Athens. He dies. There is no redemption in his life story.
There isn't much of a character journey with him, either. He sees the world as all good, then all bad, there is no in between. Money and power are good or evil for him, the end in themselves, rather than as the amoral tools to an end. He goes from (possibly) naive to misanthrope, looking at how everyone fails him, where they take advantage, and not as the complicated individuals that humans are, spurning those who do offer loyalty or friendship (Flavius and Alcibiades), or perspective (Apemantus.)
My friend wanted to know what made him give so much, was there something lacking, did he not feel good about himself? Could he not feel his existence was worthy among his fellow citizens without the ability to buy friendship, or was he truly innocent and big-hearted? (Actually, the fact that there is no soul-searching on his part, when things turn for the worse, and that he also turns on everyone else, makes me agree with the idea that he lacks a belief in his own legitimacy.) The characters of Apemantus, Flavius, and Alcibiades all have the depth of character to understand the human heart, to feel the hurt but reach beyond it, and for me, they gave weight and narrative to the story.
I came home to the upstairs choking in smoke, and the house is no-smoking. I live upstairs and didn't want to breathe it in all night. I left a note, (and the windows wide open) but refrained from contacting the landlord. I always feel like a jerk if I assert myself, but I don't smoke. I don't want to breathe it in all night (or at all.) My needs and wants have to matter, too.
And, I started a eight-week voice class, for speaking. We did these three drawings in class, and then shared them in small groups, and the other people threw out words that came to them when they looked at the picture, and we wrote those words down (for the first two pictures.) For the third picture, we have to come up with our own words, and then write a poem about/to our voice based on eight words from each picture. Working on that made me realize I have a disconnect between my singing voice, and my speaking voice, and my feelings/blockages regarding both of them. I need to spend some time with that.
All of these things, had me revisiting the idea of "taking up space." The idea of how we are in the world, how we allow ourselves (or don't) to have legitimacy in the world. How we assert our own needs and desires, not necessarily over everyone else, but also not to deny that they exist at all. And how that's easier with some people/some situations than with others, where we fall back into behaving as if we had none. We are here, we have a right to exist. Always.
Going to a workshop to learn "kulning" or Nordic cattle calling. I heard someone do it, and really wanted to learn it. Then I found out someone was teaching a workshop. I'll have to go find some Swedish cows to call when I'm done.
The basic story is Timon is a wealthy man in Athens. Lots of people flock to him, enjoy his hospitality, his generosity with his fortune; he gives until he is broke. When he tries to ask for help of his former "friends" there is no one who will answer. He goes out into the wilderness, living off of roots dug out of the earth, and curses all people. He finds a hidden stash of gold, but is only interested in it to the extent that he can give it away in exchange for the promise of exacting harm on the citizens of Athens. He dies. There is no redemption in his life story.
There isn't much of a character journey with him, either. He sees the world as all good, then all bad, there is no in between. Money and power are good or evil for him, the end in themselves, rather than as the amoral tools to an end. He goes from (possibly) naive to misanthrope, looking at how everyone fails him, where they take advantage, and not as the complicated individuals that humans are, spurning those who do offer loyalty or friendship (Flavius and Alcibiades), or perspective (Apemantus.)
My friend wanted to know what made him give so much, was there something lacking, did he not feel good about himself? Could he not feel his existence was worthy among his fellow citizens without the ability to buy friendship, or was he truly innocent and big-hearted? (Actually, the fact that there is no soul-searching on his part, when things turn for the worse, and that he also turns on everyone else, makes me agree with the idea that he lacks a belief in his own legitimacy.) The characters of Apemantus, Flavius, and Alcibiades all have the depth of character to understand the human heart, to feel the hurt but reach beyond it, and for me, they gave weight and narrative to the story.
I came home to the upstairs choking in smoke, and the house is no-smoking. I live upstairs and didn't want to breathe it in all night. I left a note, (and the windows wide open) but refrained from contacting the landlord. I always feel like a jerk if I assert myself, but I don't smoke. I don't want to breathe it in all night (or at all.) My needs and wants have to matter, too.
And, I started a eight-week voice class, for speaking. We did these three drawings in class, and then shared them in small groups, and the other people threw out words that came to them when they looked at the picture, and we wrote those words down (for the first two pictures.) For the third picture, we have to come up with our own words, and then write a poem about/to our voice based on eight words from each picture. Working on that made me realize I have a disconnect between my singing voice, and my speaking voice, and my feelings/blockages regarding both of them. I need to spend some time with that.
All of these things, had me revisiting the idea of "taking up space." The idea of how we are in the world, how we allow ourselves (or don't) to have legitimacy in the world. How we assert our own needs and desires, not necessarily over everyone else, but also not to deny that they exist at all. And how that's easier with some people/some situations than with others, where we fall back into behaving as if we had none. We are here, we have a right to exist. Always.
Going to a workshop to learn "kulning" or Nordic cattle calling. I heard someone do it, and really wanted to learn it. Then I found out someone was teaching a workshop. I'll have to go find some Swedish cows to call when I'm done.
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Free
Eleven days for the price of five, that's what two long weekends in a row will get you. Had to readjust to being back at work, and to figure out what day it was. The bus was pretty empty on the way in, later someone mentioned that it was because classes don't start again at the University until tomorrow.
Anyway, apart from now having entered a new month and a new year, the happy hour with coworkers before taking time off of work feels like another life: I got really sick, it snowed, Christmas happened, and I didn't make it out of town until later, the time alone, the driving (because I don't do it much, it really opens floodgates in my thoughts, and ideas, and inspiration for me; I work stuff out), time with my family, went out on an urban group hike on New Year's morning. And then there was New Year's Eve.
So, I went up to St. Mark's to walk the labyrinth, hung out for a couple of hours. There was music, and a steady stream of people coming in. I never did find anywhere to burn anything, but even though that had been my intention, I didn't end up needing it. By the time I'd walked out of the main labyrinth, I'd let go of everything. I find that miraculous, actually; the need to prove anything, the need to be right, the need to hang onto past hurts or at least have them acknowledged, the need to hurt back, among others...just, gone. Gone. Is that forgiveness? I don't know, but I do know I let go in half an hour what I hadn't been able to in four months. (Earlier in the day even, that had not seemed like a possibility.) And it's wiped away. I still want the things I wanted before, but the baggage isn't attached any more, if that makes sense. (Today, I was kinda' wishing I'd brought my work situation in.)
There was one main labyrinth in the middle of the room, and two smaller ones up on either side of the front, one that was marked on the floor, and the other a rainbow painted path on a large piece of canvas, both lit with candles. There were sheets that explained how to walk a labyrinth for those who didn't know. I liked the explanation of it being a communal experience, a dance. How you need to take off your shoes; and how you should walk at your own pace, that you could pass people, (and there were probably at least 30 people walking through at any one time.) That you carry an intention, or something you are giving (to God, by this explanation - but I don't think you necessarily have to be religious, the existence of labyrinths is ancient and universal, used both now for spiritual, as well as psychological, insight and healing- maybe you give it to the Universe, or just let it go) and how you bring something back out into the world when you exit. How it is a form of pilgrimage, how people who had already walked it sat and listened to the music, but also in a way, as proof of going through, a witness to those on the journey, those yet to embark, waiting in line. To hold the space, because you can't walk for anyone else, but you can hold the space. We can all only bear witness and offer support or point in a helpful direction, to anyone else's struggle, we cannot solve it for them, because then we take away their growth, deny them their own experience. Co-dependency. (Okay, only the first few things were on the sheet, the rest was an observation, relating back to other parts of my year.) I walked the first small one for practice, I guess, the other line being long, and feeling like I had plenty of time. I started alone, but then other people joined me, so it ended up being communal. Before I left, I walked a third small one, every step was an offer of gratitude. I had already let everything go, in that half and hour while I walked the labyrinth, my head, and my heart were cleared. I was free.
When I left to make my way back home, the almost full moon was high in the sky surrounded by a halo (or as other people were calling it, "a moonbow.") I walked up to Broadway to catch the light rail. I know it wasn't as frigid as the rest of the country, but it was cold! There were a bunch of teens running and screaming in the train car I was on. Caught the first bus back out on the street, even though it wasn't the one I needed, to get some heat. Had to transfer a couple stops further. It was only 10 pm, but someone was already shooting off fireworks closer to the University. Went home and watched the end of the last Harry Potter movie, which ended at midnight. Drank a hard cider, didn't really enjoy it, but I gave up alcohol at midnight, so...? (Also, gave up sugar, and as of right now, have consumed half a bar of baking chocolate-the 99% cacao, no sugar, type. I might make an exception on my birthday, not sure yet.) Wished people a "Happy New Year!" and went to bed, so I could get up and go (urban) hiking in the morning. Someone shot off 5 or 6 fireworks at 3 am, I was expecting it, it happens around he 4th of July, too. (Predictable, but also, a random thing to do.)
If I do it again next year, I think I'll go with a friend/friends, it would be good to be able to share the experience with someone, because while it is just walking a pattern on the floor, it's also more, if it weren't, the practice would've died out centuries ago. (Someone offered to go together next year, and several of my friends went, but either before or after me, I didn't see anyone I knew. Most of them aren't particularly religious, it's just kinda' a nice way to mark the end of one year, and to make a fresh start in the new.)
Anyway, apart from now having entered a new month and a new year, the happy hour with coworkers before taking time off of work feels like another life: I got really sick, it snowed, Christmas happened, and I didn't make it out of town until later, the time alone, the driving (because I don't do it much, it really opens floodgates in my thoughts, and ideas, and inspiration for me; I work stuff out), time with my family, went out on an urban group hike on New Year's morning. And then there was New Year's Eve.
So, I went up to St. Mark's to walk the labyrinth, hung out for a couple of hours. There was music, and a steady stream of people coming in. I never did find anywhere to burn anything, but even though that had been my intention, I didn't end up needing it. By the time I'd walked out of the main labyrinth, I'd let go of everything. I find that miraculous, actually; the need to prove anything, the need to be right, the need to hang onto past hurts or at least have them acknowledged, the need to hurt back, among others...just, gone. Gone. Is that forgiveness? I don't know, but I do know I let go in half an hour what I hadn't been able to in four months. (Earlier in the day even, that had not seemed like a possibility.) And it's wiped away. I still want the things I wanted before, but the baggage isn't attached any more, if that makes sense. (Today, I was kinda' wishing I'd brought my work situation in.)
There was one main labyrinth in the middle of the room, and two smaller ones up on either side of the front, one that was marked on the floor, and the other a rainbow painted path on a large piece of canvas, both lit with candles. There were sheets that explained how to walk a labyrinth for those who didn't know. I liked the explanation of it being a communal experience, a dance. How you need to take off your shoes; and how you should walk at your own pace, that you could pass people, (and there were probably at least 30 people walking through at any one time.) That you carry an intention, or something you are giving (to God, by this explanation - but I don't think you necessarily have to be religious, the existence of labyrinths is ancient and universal, used both now for spiritual, as well as psychological, insight and healing- maybe you give it to the Universe, or just let it go) and how you bring something back out into the world when you exit. How it is a form of pilgrimage, how people who had already walked it sat and listened to the music, but also in a way, as proof of going through, a witness to those on the journey, those yet to embark, waiting in line. To hold the space, because you can't walk for anyone else, but you can hold the space. We can all only bear witness and offer support or point in a helpful direction, to anyone else's struggle, we cannot solve it for them, because then we take away their growth, deny them their own experience. Co-dependency. (Okay, only the first few things were on the sheet, the rest was an observation, relating back to other parts of my year.) I walked the first small one for practice, I guess, the other line being long, and feeling like I had plenty of time. I started alone, but then other people joined me, so it ended up being communal. Before I left, I walked a third small one, every step was an offer of gratitude. I had already let everything go, in that half and hour while I walked the labyrinth, my head, and my heart were cleared. I was free.
When I left to make my way back home, the almost full moon was high in the sky surrounded by a halo (or as other people were calling it, "a moonbow.") I walked up to Broadway to catch the light rail. I know it wasn't as frigid as the rest of the country, but it was cold! There were a bunch of teens running and screaming in the train car I was on. Caught the first bus back out on the street, even though it wasn't the one I needed, to get some heat. Had to transfer a couple stops further. It was only 10 pm, but someone was already shooting off fireworks closer to the University. Went home and watched the end of the last Harry Potter movie, which ended at midnight. Drank a hard cider, didn't really enjoy it, but I gave up alcohol at midnight, so...? (Also, gave up sugar, and as of right now, have consumed half a bar of baking chocolate-the 99% cacao, no sugar, type. I might make an exception on my birthday, not sure yet.) Wished people a "Happy New Year!" and went to bed, so I could get up and go (urban) hiking in the morning. Someone shot off 5 or 6 fireworks at 3 am, I was expecting it, it happens around he 4th of July, too. (Predictable, but also, a random thing to do.)
If I do it again next year, I think I'll go with a friend/friends, it would be good to be able to share the experience with someone, because while it is just walking a pattern on the floor, it's also more, if it weren't, the practice would've died out centuries ago. (Someone offered to go together next year, and several of my friends went, but either before or after me, I didn't see anyone I knew. Most of them aren't particularly religious, it's just kinda' a nice way to mark the end of one year, and to make a fresh start in the new.)
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