I need to sleep more

I must've been asleep at some point.  I was suddenly aware of the sound of bird song, a robin, loudest, singing (which I realize I haven't heard in ages, the ones I've heard recently were chirping) and a quieter bird that has stopped.  The dog was staring at my face.

Outside it was still dark, quiet, aside from the bird.  The full moon dropping down over a pair of cedar trees to the west, in a clear sky.  A light drifting silently southward, an airplane.  The communication towers blinking red in the distance, and street lamps sending light toward the ground below from where I am looking.

The cat is sitting staring at me from the end of the bed.  I have a brief dashed hope that it is a weekend, but somehow that doesn't jibe, and I decide it must be Tuesday (?)  I really haven't been getting much sleep...it is actually Saturday.  I want to sleep more now that the dog is no longer shoving me over the edge of the bed.  The cat smacks my arm: they are ready to be up.

I follow them downstairs, let the dog out.  Let him in, go back upstairs to try to sleep a little more and I close the door on them (I can hear them on the other side) and establish only my second boundary in over a week.  (My first was last night, when I kenneled the dog so that I could actually cook and eat something.)  When I'm here, they are both pretty much joined at the hip to me.  The only time alone I've had is in the bathroom.

I enjoy their company.  But I might as well learn to have some boundaries.  Funny that it took a dog to teach me that.

I hope they don't tear up the house.

Sick dog

Unexpected day off, woke up to find the dog had vomited at some point during the night, and then did again.  I can't leave him home sick.  I am thankful I have leave.  I made him special food, (rice/broth/baby food) which he did eat, and he perked up briefly to try to beg me for my food, but has mostly been sleeping.  I'm watching to check if he drinks, but as I haven't been home with him during the day, I don't know what normal for him is.  I'm keeping an eye on him.  Hoping he'll get better on his own, without a vet visit, but have that info if needed.

I've had so little sleep.  My mind is pretty blank.  Maybe I'll try writing while I sit around.  If I sit on the couch, the dog wants me to cuddle with him. (And at 60-70 lbs, he's big for a lap dog...but he's sweet.)  The cat is hiding out in the basement.

It's breezy, cold, and overcast out.  Lights swing outside the window.  Across the way, flowering quince, and an apple tree are in full bloom.  There were a few people in the grocery store when I went to buy rice and baby food for the dog.  Otherwise, it feels so empty.  I have the local news on for company.  It's so quiet of people sounds: just wind, and the movement of trees against the house, and possibly freeway traffic.  I'm feeling an inner obstinance to writing.  Why everything you want to get better at is a daily practice: do it even if you don't feel like it, are uninspired.  Inspiration may never come.  I should turn off the tv and bear the silence, get to it.

On a tangent

I had to run errands after work, and letting the dog out of the kennel for a bit.  Managed to not do the first couple things on the list, and the reason I went to the store in the first place, so will have to find time before tomorrow morning.  I have a singing gig tonight.

Anyway, I walked home to get the music for the gig.  By the time I headed back out, this massive dark sky had built up, and it looked like it would rain soon, so I tried to hurry, not that I could out-walk a storm, but you know, to limit the drenching.  I did beat it, and then I forgot about it once I started cooking dinner, feeding the pets, etc.  They were unconcerned when the lightning, thunder, and hail finally struck, finding themselves much more interested in watching me cook and waiting to see if I would share with them.  I'm gonna have to start eating in the bathroom.

The dog is still moping, wishing, I suppose that I would turn into his person, but I don't.  They did let me sleep with my legs stretched out, so that was progress.  The dog jammed his face in my armpit at one point, but thankfully, quickly resorted to putting a paw on me for safe keeping instead.  They held their respective territories until morning.  I got a little bit of sleep.  Passing storms woke me up off and on: rain and branches hitting and creaking against the windows, the sound of wind.

It's been snowing this morning, the clumps falling in the rain, vanishing as they touch down.

When the sky cleared, March 23/L Herlevi 2018

Later, the sun came out, people began returned to the rain-soaked Quad.  I rushed home to let the dog out before the singing gig, and then rushed home after, to let him out again: been long stretches.  Both of the pets were stir crazy tonight, and he and I had a stand-off; he frightened me a bit, so I walked away from him.  Now he's pouting.  (I don't know him well enough to know what the behaviors mean.)

The singing gig was part of a discussion regarding the continuation of the Finnish Lutheran Church in Seattle.  I don't have say in the matter, but joining the community through the choir changed my life for the better, got me in touch with a part of me I didn't know about.  Would be a huge loss for me, but like many groups (religious, cultural, language, stories, to name a few) now, too few people are trying to hold things together, and many of those people are elderly; if you can't get vibrant multi-generational involvement, the communities will dissolve.  The visiting pastor from Finland recently asked an Estonian interpreter what the Finns could learn from the Estonians, where, when under Communist rule, religion was banned (as were traditional songs), and she said, "Don't lose the tradition."  And that made me think of all that we're losing now, all the knowledge (language, cultural, stories, histories, species, genes, diversity) we are losing every day.  When they are gone, we can't get them back.  Why are we so willing to let them go?  What would we be willing to fight for?  What would it take to get us to care?  How do you have a cohesive society that's multi-cultural, without recessing to the blandest common demoninator?  How do you survive in multiple worlds, or is that even possible?  And if you can do it, where do you fit in?  (I'm all over the place with this, apologies.  I think about this a lot.  I'm writing down so that I can wrestle with it more.)

Life with Pets

Change in the weather, March 22/L Herlevi 2018

In the morning, a change in the weather, the sky is pouring down rain, and it's colder.  Big pools of standing water in the Quad, only one person visiting the trees to take pictures when I hurry through: soaked and late.  The sound of the rain on the cherry blossoms was pleasant, different than the sound on leaves, a softer patter, I guess.

By afternoon the rain has let up, but the air was chilly.  I went out to visit the trees, but the coolness and flatness of the light kept the visit short.

What a difference a day makes, March 22/L Herlevi 2018

Was looking forward to spending time with the pets, and still am, but they don't really know what to make of me.  I think the cat is better with it than the dog.  The dog misses his person, and eyes me warily.  When I let him out, he sits on the porch and gazes at the street, waiting.  Or maybe he always does that.  He also hits me with a paw, but I'm not sure what that means.  I don't think he dislikes me, I'm just not who he wants me to be; and perhaps he's having separation anxiety.  They both slept on me.  I didn't get much sleep, but it made me feel more secure.

And because it's raining hard, I decided I should clean up after him sooner rather than later.  I decided that after I had locked the door and was heading for work.  So, I put my work bag down and grabbed a bag to pick it up.  I guess there was a hole in it, and I ended up getting dog poo on both my hands.  Stood there a moment trying to figure out how I could wash them, since the house key was already in a pocket, and finally grabbed another plastic bag, and put my hand in it so I could get the key and open up the door.  Washed them about 10 times, and then used a disinfectant wipe on my hands when I got to work.  I'm sure they're clean enough, it's just kinda' gross.  I'll live.

Other than that, it's strange (as always) to be living in someone else's house, to imagine a different life, to witness a different reality.  But also, since it's not my regular space, it clears my head, and helps me look at my own life from a bit of distance.  Always an interesting space to occupy, like a vacation, though I do need to find some time to get back to my own house...I don't want to yet.

Around and About

Spring has arrived.  Birds sing, the trees are in full blossom.  The heat was off in the morning, but late in the day, coming in from the coolness of the afternoon and walking back inside the door, the air felt like a fever: dry, hot, claustrophobic.

Anxiety (and a bit of anger) and things that need to be cleared up keep me awake throughout the night, most nights.  And I've been having bizarre dreams for weeks now: sad, disturbing, unfinished, vivid.

Guess I could get up and do something useful instead of stewing.

I took on a leadership role, and then suddenly had to be the one to make a major decision without gathering input (which would be my style, but time was short.)  Bunch of singing commitments coming up, (along with a longish, last minute house/pet-sitting request/favor-at the same time as everything else) and then there will be a break for a while, first time in months.  It'll be brief, but it's nice to have the breathing space.

Some photos from recent days, the ones I like best were all black and white.

The Trees Say it's Spring, March 15/L Herlevi 2018

All the Lights, March 14/L Herlevi, 2018

Stillness, March 14/L Herlevi 2018

Paper Flowers, March 14/L Herlevi 2018

In Trees, March 17/L Herlevi 2018

What little I would take

In the event of a fire.  I packed a normal sized back-pack, the kind carried to school.  I packed a change of clothes (actually, only underclothes, jeans, and socks), hat, scarf, gloves, a couple journals, a pen, ibuprofen, lipstick, lip balm, my passport, and a rosary that was given to me by my mother.  I was charging my phone, and if time allowed, would've brought that.  My work keys were in my jacket pocket.  My tablet, if time allowed.  A bar of soap, and a pair of reading glasses.  And hopefully I would grab the jacket and my wallet on the way out.  And that was pretty much it.

So, how do I let other things (not everything, obviously I would need more to live day to day, and joy is good, but aside from those) go, then?