Saturday

The film festival ran a little late, so didn't get home until almost midnight, though thankfully, ended up getting a ride home, so didn't have to catch a bus.  Had to be at a mandatory gardening meeting at 9 am this morning.  Just got home from the garden.  The meeting was cold and long, but there was food and coffee...so, it wasn't a bad meeting, just a rather cold morning to stand and listen for almost two hours.  Then I spent three hours pulling weeds and turning in the manure that I dumped there a few weeks ago.  Note to self to not let irises go to seed, and if they do, don't leave them there to overwinter.  Got most of them out.  Planted some lettuce for good measure.  Donated the rest of my collards to the food bank, or at least I told one of the women that works the food bank plots to harvest it and donate it.  I just don't think I'll make it back before the drop off (they donate Tuesdays, if I harvest it today it would be gross by Tuesday, sitting in a hot shed and decomposing.)

The other day, as I was walking home, a man approached me and asked me for bus fare.  Then he mentioned something about his heart, and proceeded to lift up his jacket and showed me his scars (from heart surgery.)  I gave him some change, and then as I was walking away, I thought about how much his face was sweating, and it was warm out, in the high 60's, but was that enough?  I dug through my bag and found more change, that I hoped would make up the rest of the bus fare.  When I turned around, he was following behind me at a distance, I gave him the rest of the change and left.  I don't know where he went after that.  There wasn't really any one else around for him to ask, and though I lean toward the "broke" end of things most of the time, it wasn't really that much.

I was asking a friend what  type of lightbulbs to buy now (because I haven't had to buy any in a while, usually my landlord takes care of that, but my light has been burned out, and I was just gonna change it myself, and when I went to the store, all they had were halogen bulbs, so I didn't buy any.)  Anyway, she just gave me one.  A very random moment.  And things wash out in the end.

And the last three people I've spoken to (my ride home last night, and two of the women I garden with) all spoke to me about anti-inflammatory diets.  I need to change my life.  I don't want to spend my future immobilized with pain and deformed joints.  I don't want to be sick.  If I'm getting a message that strongly, that many times, I need to listen to it.  Today turned sunny and warm with birds singing, and trees and flowers in bloom against a bright blue sky, and anything feels possible.  Also, one of the women has been offering her help for awhile, I should swallow my pride and take her up on it.  I always assume (somewhat wrongly, I suppose) that people offer things they don't actually mean, because it sounds good in the moment, and there is some of that certainly, but there are also people that genuinely mean it.  There is a message out in our world that to ask for help is to be a burden, you see it in attitudes toward people down on their luck all the time.  The whole "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" thing, which is largely a myth for most people.  There are some people who made it on their own, but most people had some help.  For me to ask for help makes me feel like I'm not enough.  It's a lie, I suppose, but it's got staying power.  (Reinforced daily through negative comments on social media, and through laws being passed across the country.  Don't get sick.  Don't lose your job.  Don't need help.  Don't ask for help.  Don't be poor.)

The film.  I'm happy with the way it turned out.  I guess it was long, so it was heavily edited (and still at the 7-minute limit), and that changed the story.  It previously ended with my asking him to stay, and him walking away, now it ends with us kissing on driftwood at the beach, so, amibiguous.  Two of my longer speaking bits got cut.  I was mostly looking at him when I watched it except the last shot.  And while I think I looked somewhat crazy, due to the angle of my face and where my eyes were looking (you could see a lot of the whites of my eyes), I do like my acting okay, and I like the way I delivered the lines.

We didn't win anything, but it was solid.  The lead actor in our film was in two films, and won best actor for the night.  He was good in ours, but fantastic in the other.  (His other film took the top prize.)  It's funny, I had seen him in a show shortly before my friend asked me to do this film, and if you'd asked me who I'd want to work with in town, he'd a been pretty high up on the list.  I hadn't actually thought I'd have the opportunity that soon.  Life is a surprise.

After work

Went and got a massage after work, was slightly late because I was explaining what Shuttle Express was to someone that needed to get to the airport in the morning. The therapist had calluses on his fingers which felt like sandpaper in my armpit, I so, just wasn't breathing. He spent so much time working on my neck, jaw, face and arms that he rushed through working around my shoulder blades (the thing that was bothering me, but everything hurt) and shoved his weight into the knots around my shoulders so hard that I ended up with these super deep lines all the way down my face from below my eyes to my jawline where my face dug into the head rest. I waited a little while before I walked outside, but I still think I looked like I had some scarification on my face. I walked between some kids sitting on either side of the sidewalk and as I passed them one asked if I wanted to hear a joke, when I said "no" he then asked if I wanted to make out with him. I'll take that as a compliment. (It wasn't asked in a creepy way.) I'm probably twice his age, even if I look young. (I did say "no" by the way, and "thanks for asking.")

I went to go water. On the bus this other kid was listening to his headphones. He started moving from seat to seat, and then pulling the stops and going as if to get off the bus, but then leaning to look out the windows and doors and at who was on the bus, but not getting off. Eventually, he ended up really close to the driver, kinda' dancing in the space between the driver and the door. It would be weird any day, but a driver got shot this morning, so it was weird at how much he was in the driver's space. I noticed he had a white band on his arm, and the bus goes by a hospital...maybe he was coming off painkillers or something. Totally in his own universe. I got off before he did.

Got a few ripe tomatoes, I think. Again, I'm not sure what they look like ripe, but picked them anyway. (These are orangy-red with green streaks) Right before I was finished watering, the crows started making a ruckus. I figured they'd found a hawk or owl or something. I half-looked and saw a lumpy shape in the trees. I walked over underneath the trees as I was leaving. I stood there and looked up at the "lump" which turned out to be a barred owl, I think. When I got there, the crows left, and the owl eventually turned it's head forward and then looked down at me. Then, satisfied, it pulled up it's foot and scratched at it's face and groomed itself, occasionally re-making eye contact with me. I waved good-bye to it and left. Always cool to make contact with wildlife. (Am glad it didn't swoop down at me.) http://www.owlpages.com/image.php?image=species-Strix-varia-18
This is a link to an owl picture with it's leg showing. I think they have cool-looking legs.

When I was almost home, a couple of Great Blue Herons circled overhead, squawking to each other. I haven't gone birding in a while, I suppose they are coming to me today.

Oh, and we are supposed to give the names and email addresses of our two guests plus which show they are coming to for the performance by noon tomorrow...I haven't a clue. It's such short notice. I didn't even know what time the show was at officially.

Breathe...this post sounds frantic, even to me.

Too much empty garden space

Parts of the bottom of my feet feel raw and hot from the shoes I had on earlier, I didn't even walk much in them. I actually went barefoot for awhile, in the grass. I was thinking it's funny that I have a different standard for things when I travel, including hiking, than I do when I'm in my hometown. I'm completely aware of the switch in thinking, but I still make the distinction. I will walk barefoot more when I travel; I will use barely clean silverware (meaning not actually cleaned); I will eat stuff I've been carrying around all day (that should have been refrigerated); my levels of what I consider "sanitary" go out the window. I'm not sure why. Anyway, I was thinking that I hardly ever walk around barefoot  here, and almost always do when I travel...there is the factor that it feels good on sore feet to be barefoot, and when I travel, I often have sore feet. I walk alot.

Went to water, not sure if the beans are gonna make it. The rain last week helped, but only a couple have sprouted, and something ate most of those leaves off. Half my garden is bare, I really need to get something to grow, it's hard to even find seeds in the stores, they say it's too late in the season to start from seeds. I ate an almost ripe tomato, because I never get them. It was good, a little bit sour, but good. One of the plants has some sorta' wilt, I picked off those "branches" and am hoping it's slow to spread. I have six tomato plants and one jalepeño, which is also miraculously producing. I need to look up what these tomatoes are supposed to look like when ripe 'cos I have no idea. I always buy the weird ones.  I have an affinity for unusual plant cultivars, and they are less likely to get pilferred.  I'll give them away anyway (I probably can't eat them anymore), but I want to pick them. I want to have the experience seeing something I grew ripen. Plants grow in spite of me. The only things I've actually gotten to grow well are: artichokes, cauliflower (don't understand that one-should be difficult, but grows for me), and turban squash (it was beautiful)...oh, and parsley.

Dang! That's actually a blister, and my clown skirt smell like unpleasant laundry detergent. No, I have never washed it, I wore so much under it, I didn't think it mattered, and I spent all my quarters washing dark clothes. Time to memorize lines, I think. I hope the spider I just lifted out of the bathtub doesn't pay me a visit. It momentarily meandered off in a different direction.  I know they're here, but I prefer not to see them in my room.

Saturday, no singing robins

Really need to catch up on the rest of my life today, just not enough time for everything, even if I do say I value it all. Went to another play last night, got a ticket in exchange for watching the door and letting people in the building. It was a comedy, well done. A student production, great accents (multiple accents), great physicality and timing, and pretty fun in general. Unfortunately, I've been so exhausted lately that I fell asleep for parts of it (what else is new? been happening a lot lately) and so woke up thinking, "Wait, when did he get shot? Who is that woman, where did she come from and why are they hand-cuffed?" Still, well done, fast-paced, believable. The man next to me looked at me oddly at one point, I hope I didn't mumble anything or fall over on him. When I woke up this morning it occurred to me that part of my problem in my acting class is that we are not in rehearsal together enough, it really demands more time, and barring that (work schedules, finding rehearsal space, etc.) I need to know my own character inside and out when I get to rehearsal. Seems obvious, but I realized that in my rare longer speeches, I'm not seeing the scene I'm talking about, and I need to, and there are some other things I haven't gotten specific about. I'll have to think about them while doing other things because I'm meeting my scene partner in 5 hours and I need to go work on my garden and run a bunch of errands before that. The advantage of riding the bus is you don't have to think about driving, and so you can focus on other things. And pulling up weeds will hopefully clear my head.

I think I need to watch some old movies with witty dialogue and quick-paced verbal sparring. Katherine Hepburn comes to mind.

The play was The 39 Steps.