Saturday

The film festival ran a little late, so didn't get home until almost midnight, though thankfully, ended up getting a ride home, so didn't have to catch a bus.  Had to be at a mandatory gardening meeting at 9 am this morning.  Just got home from the garden.  The meeting was cold and long, but there was food and coffee...so, it wasn't a bad meeting, just a rather cold morning to stand and listen for almost two hours.  Then I spent three hours pulling weeds and turning in the manure that I dumped there a few weeks ago.  Note to self to not let irises go to seed, and if they do, don't leave them there to overwinter.  Got most of them out.  Planted some lettuce for good measure.  Donated the rest of my collards to the food bank, or at least I told one of the women that works the food bank plots to harvest it and donate it.  I just don't think I'll make it back before the drop off (they donate Tuesdays, if I harvest it today it would be gross by Tuesday, sitting in a hot shed and decomposing.)

The other day, as I was walking home, a man approached me and asked me for bus fare.  Then he mentioned something about his heart, and proceeded to lift up his jacket and showed me his scars (from heart surgery.)  I gave him some change, and then as I was walking away, I thought about how much his face was sweating, and it was warm out, in the high 60's, but was that enough?  I dug through my bag and found more change, that I hoped would make up the rest of the bus fare.  When I turned around, he was following behind me at a distance, I gave him the rest of the change and left.  I don't know where he went after that.  There wasn't really any one else around for him to ask, and though I lean toward the "broke" end of things most of the time, it wasn't really that much.

I was asking a friend what  type of lightbulbs to buy now (because I haven't had to buy any in a while, usually my landlord takes care of that, but my light has been burned out, and I was just gonna change it myself, and when I went to the store, all they had were halogen bulbs, so I didn't buy any.)  Anyway, she just gave me one.  A very random moment.  And things wash out in the end.

And the last three people I've spoken to (my ride home last night, and two of the women I garden with) all spoke to me about anti-inflammatory diets.  I need to change my life.  I don't want to spend my future immobilized with pain and deformed joints.  I don't want to be sick.  If I'm getting a message that strongly, that many times, I need to listen to it.  Today turned sunny and warm with birds singing, and trees and flowers in bloom against a bright blue sky, and anything feels possible.  Also, one of the women has been offering her help for awhile, I should swallow my pride and take her up on it.  I always assume (somewhat wrongly, I suppose) that people offer things they don't actually mean, because it sounds good in the moment, and there is some of that certainly, but there are also people that genuinely mean it.  There is a message out in our world that to ask for help is to be a burden, you see it in attitudes toward people down on their luck all the time.  The whole "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" thing, which is largely a myth for most people.  There are some people who made it on their own, but most people had some help.  For me to ask for help makes me feel like I'm not enough.  It's a lie, I suppose, but it's got staying power.  (Reinforced daily through negative comments on social media, and through laws being passed across the country.  Don't get sick.  Don't lose your job.  Don't need help.  Don't ask for help.  Don't be poor.)

The film.  I'm happy with the way it turned out.  I guess it was long, so it was heavily edited (and still at the 7-minute limit), and that changed the story.  It previously ended with my asking him to stay, and him walking away, now it ends with us kissing on driftwood at the beach, so, amibiguous.  Two of my longer speaking bits got cut.  I was mostly looking at him when I watched it except the last shot.  And while I think I looked somewhat crazy, due to the angle of my face and where my eyes were looking (you could see a lot of the whites of my eyes), I do like my acting okay, and I like the way I delivered the lines.

We didn't win anything, but it was solid.  The lead actor in our film was in two films, and won best actor for the night.  He was good in ours, but fantastic in the other.  (His other film took the top prize.)  It's funny, I had seen him in a show shortly before my friend asked me to do this film, and if you'd asked me who I'd want to work with in town, he'd a been pretty high up on the list.  I hadn't actually thought I'd have the opportunity that soon.  Life is a surprise.