Monday and raining: Hello Autumn

No birds singing outside my window this morning, though I had a couple yesterday, still not the robin: new birds. Instead I wake up to the steady sound of tires on wet pavement and the dripping of water from the eaves after a night of rain.

Thoughts about singing. I'm singing louder now, but not sure how to get the volume out. Wondering what exactly is my authentic voice...not sure if it's what I've been singing with. Who am I, as opposed to who I would like to be, who society tells me I should be, who would be cool to be, who do I not want to be? In all of that, where am I? What am I? What do I sound like? It was an odd thing to think about after all this time. It's interesting. Since this summer, I don't care as much what I sound like, I just want to sing.

And I hear the voices that say, "Art is frivolous." But I don't agree with that. I think it's important. I think it's a safe way to take off the everyday masks that we wear and to let ourselves feel and experience authentically. I think it's a safe place to work through the "ugly" or "scary" (sometimes love and forgiveness and letting go are scary) parts of ourselves, get it out on the stage, the paper, the rehearsal space, the canvas, etc., so we don't play out the drama continually in our "regular" lives and hurt ourselves and each other. And I think it provides release for both the artist and the audience, and maybe it provides a chink in the armor, and opening for new thoughts, new way of seeing the world, or looking at a problem or a place where we've been stuck.

And as far as this thorn in my side, sometimes a splinter, sometimes a dagger, I've been trying to find ways to get it out, but I've decided it can stay. It's drawing up and out a lot of "poison" I thought I had purged in the past, but apparently not. Things I want to actually deal with once and for all, and so I'm grateful that it's there, and I'm grateful for the person who put it there. If there are such a thing as soulmates, mine always seem to be those who sting and make me deal with crap...other people get lovers, I get people who put daggers in my side, just saying.

This (song) isn't in reference to anyone, thoughts of thorns reminded me of both the story of the lion with a thorn in it's paw and this song by the Eurythmics. Man, it's really coming down out there now!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AmkmqYEarw

ah rain!

Falling in earnest...I bring my rain coat on the days when it doesn't rain, and didn't wear it today. It's bulky. Perhaps it won't be raining when I leave.

Throat tests were negative for cancer or other infection, but there is throat damage. Have been changing my diet and cutting back to 1 or 2 cups of coffee/day, eating earlier at night, etc. I think I'm singing now in a more healthy manner since starting these voice lessons.  I sang the whole concert on Sunday, it was split into 2 sets of 5 songs each, and there was an hour break in between, and I didn't feel like I needed painkillers afterward, so that's improvement. I sang in class afterwards and my voice "broke" but not much, I went with it.

Did not get a good photo of trees last night, will make further attempts.

Ooh...guess I shoulda' brought the jacket afterall.  Very. Wet. Out.

Saturday

One more week of acting classes for the quarter, Finnish class only has two more weeks as well.  Need to re-file my paperwork for tuition soon. We spend so much time standing with bent legs that my quads are always shaking after the biomechanics class. I enjoy the class, I'm going to miss going.

Tomorrow is the Kalevala celebration and voice class.  Tonight there is a Fado concert at Meany Hall.  I bought the tickets last spring, wouldn't have remembered it was tonight except I saw an ad for it. Been super spacy last couple of days. Think I might be taking on too much.

The concert was fabulous.  And perhaps the song (voice class) would better be entitled as I don't know how to let him love me. That would be a mystery as well.
Here's a youtube clip of Ana Moura singing Desfado http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V42ix2CtZ8Y
-Ciao
L

Ash Wednesday

and nary a priest in sight when I walk through Red Square. I decided I will give up using credit (as in cards) for Lent. I considered coffee or sugar or chocolate, but finances would be harder and more useful. Day 1.

And not to be judgemental, but when I attempt to sing with pushing a lot of air out, I sound pretty awful...something I hope to learn to get a handle on.  We will have a pianist for next class which ups the stakes, and the desire to show up prepared so as to respect their time (as well as mine.) And the song I'm singing (or the 16 bars) is easier to figure out motivation and emotion for as a song.  When I try to think of it as text, I don't know how I would read it.  You'd think the process would be the same, and it's really not for me.  Luckily, it is a song.

Still need to plant the bulbs.  Still need to get the throat looked at.